Cricket 2021: Paedoph with the England test team

[Thursday]

Some incredible delusion on display here

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/cricket/59491001

[Cuellar]

At least none of them had the nerve to suggest an England victory

[iamcoop]

According to Dobell Anderson is crocked so WOAKESY starts at the Gabba. Pope in for Pædstow and Robinson in, which leaves a tussle between CAB bald-cunt funster Leach and transplant miscreant Broad duking it out for a spot.

Let the FUCKDOWNS begin!

[poo]

I'm with Glenn

[druss]

I think we will do well to win a single test. If it doesn't happen in the second test (a day-nighter) then we won't win any.

[sevendaughters]

Weather is meant to be sub-optimal so let's say 4-0 Australia. There's some fragility in their batting but some good, while we have garbage and their bowlers will shred us.

[Harry Badger]

I'm not under any illusions about our chances but I do think we have a decent chance of winning one game if the Perth Test gets relocated to Hobart as a day/nighter. Along with Adeleide those would be our best chances to utilise our battery of RFMs. Batting is a serious worry though.

[poo]

This thread is basically going to be my Christmas entertainment

[Old Thrashbarg]

I am looking forward to this thread much more than the actual cricket.

[sevendaughters]

Genuine question but does New Perth play like the WACA ie banana swing

[Harry Badger]

Genuine question but does New Perth play like the WACA ie banana swing

Apparently not. It was never really swing that was the issue with the WACA, just a very hard and bouncy wicket. You got a bit of help with the Fremantle Doctor but it was basically a paceman's ground rather than seam/swing.

[mattyc]

I don't think I can remember a series where I've been less optimistic about England's chances. An Aussie whitewash looks far more likely than an England win, a draw or even a respectable 2-0 or, dare I dream, 2-1 loss. Both batting lineups are imperfect but Australia's is better: one of Smith, Labuschagne or Warner will just bat England out of a test at least once, it's inevitable. The Australian seam attack is better than England's, especially in Australia, and they will utterly destroy England's batting in at least one test. Nathan Lyon is 1 wicket away from 400 in tests; Jack Leach has 62.

Even looking at England's 4 proven test players is depressing, with only Stokes' record in Australia being remotely comparable to his overall one. Anderson averages 9 more with the ball in Aus than overall, with only one 5wi, Broad averages almost 10 more in Aus than overall. Root averages 12 less in Aus than overall with no centuries in 9 games. I can only see an utter tonking for England in this series.

Then this stupid little voice pipes up in my stupid head. It says things like 'What if the rain produces Jimmy-friendly pitches? What if Root makes 700 runs? What if Stokes produces a miracle or 2? What if Hameed/Butler/Wood/Crawley/Pope come up with something incredible?'. And no matter how much I tell it to shut up, that little voice will keep me up until stupid o'clock just listening to another 5 minutes. Just listen to the end of the Aussie innings, they've only got 2 wickets left, it won't take long. Just listen through until Root reaches his century, he's bound to get there, everyone says he's batting like a dream.

And despite my well-founded pessimism, despite my growing levels of fatigue turning me into a terrible crosspatch and despite the inevitable despair, frustration and if onlys at the end of it all, I'm still really looking forward to the Ashes because there is nothing in sport I love more than test cricket!   

[Harry Badger]

Can't really disagree with any of that. Not sure how much of this I will be watching/listening to as I am trying to get my sleep patterns under control so shouldn't really be staying up all hours, especially if it's as one-sided as it looks like it will be.

[Pranet]

I've said it before, I hate ashes winters, getting up in the cold and dark to go to work to find out that England are 52-4 in reply to Australia's 532-6 dec.

[Crenners]

Lads on Tor
We gonna be
Lads on Tor
...

Belsen boyz to go nucular belmdown by about 2am.

Wake up for a slash, grief wank in the spare bed.

[dontrunyoullfall]

I doubt Anderson will play more than two tests in the series. Broad will get crocked too.

[poo]

Will there be highlights on normal telly?

[sevendaughters]

Will there be highlights on normal telly?

yeah on the Beeb

[poo]

Ah, just seen that BBC have daily highlights show on iPlayer. Need to get some heroin.

[Cuellar]

Was going to stay up for at least the first few overs but forgot it's on stupid BT

[sevendaughters]

am proper crapping it. will break my heart to see Hameed out for 2 and brainballed in the noggin as Pope makes a 14 of 3 incredible coaching manual 4s in 8 deliveries.

[iamcoop]

Will there be highlights on normal telly?

Pretty sure I read somewhere there will be. I think it was at the end of one the BBC's laughable "the stage could be set for Pope to get some seriously big runs" type articles.

I'm fucking buzzing though lads. These threads are at their best when England are getting absolutely smashed into tiny pieces.

Sweepstake for "England player that does something problematic on tour and gets torn apart by the Brisbane Courier Mail?"

- Jack Leach dons black face at Christmas Day fancy dress 14/1

- "Levi Bellfield was actually a sound guy lol" tweet posted by Robinson in 2013 unearthed 4/8

- Haseeb Hameed kills a man in a pub car park 12/6

- Rory Burns, having been dropped for the Boxing Day test takes flight over the MCG in a Zeppelin made out of tissue paper which smashes into the ground killing all twelve school children on board immediately 2/1

[poo]

OK - prediction time.

Some racists will win the Ashes.

[Kankurette]

I don't even follow cricket, I'm just here for the thread.

Shame both sides can't lose.

[sevendaughters]

the thread works best when you want England to win in your heart whilst publicly chastising them for being like those inflatable figures you get outside used car showrooms but holding bats

[Crenners]

Yeah, the 95% Anime On-Line Cyber Monday Blu-ray sale is only pleasurable for the one session where we brain some squinting baggy cunt or Stokes goes Pol Pot on the entire floating prison. If you don't want England to actually win and you're not prepared to suffer existential De Freitas for weeks on end, you will never know or embrace the true blissful agony.

[poo]

Haha

[sevendaughters]

was having a nostalgic pedal through Cricket 2019, probably my fav CAB thread, and was sad this didn't get any response

[Inspector Norse]

Something special about getting ready to go to bed knowing that by the time I wake up, at least seven England international cricketers will have seen their dreams and futures destroyed.

[iamcoop]

Fuck sake off we go then. Marching on to the inevitable abyss.

Jim Maxwell though.

And when has Jim ever failed to fix it?