Things your dad is still doing.

[Glebe]

You've just logged in at work when you receive a text from your dad saying if they don't make an Expendables 4 he is going to kill you.

"I'm not responsible for The Expendables franchise dad."

"Yes you are, you're one of these 'influencers' they speak of I bet the film studios are reading your comments on the internet."

Peter String-Fellow: The Early Years.

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad refers to every vague hint of arsehole driving as 'a crash' he had to deal with on his journey.

[Sebastian Cobb]

[Cuellar]

Your dad is serving 'man who tries to strike up conversations with strangers of the bus' realness

[Captain Poodle Basher]

Your dad is serving 'man who tries to strike up conversations with strangers of the bus' realness

He's serving his apprenticeship. He's hoping to move up to be a stand in 'Bus Driver's Friend' in the new year. Every time he gets on the bus he looks down at that hallowed spot on the floor by the driver and thinks "Soon".

[Glebe]

Your dad is moonwalking around the kitchen, wearing a long trench coat, grey fedora, wraparound shades, fingerless leather gloves and Nikes.

"(singing)*I can dream about you... even if I can't hold you tonight!* Judd Nelson, can you hear me now?! '80s forever! Woo!"

[frajer]

"I don't mind tinkling the ivories," your dad is saying. "And I quite playing the piano too! Haha! But mirth aside, I have no idea how this piano ended up in my garage, officer."

[Glebe]

"Oops I did it again..."

"'e's doin' 'is '90s now!"

"...played with heart... go lost in the game... oh baby baby!"

"Dad, pull up your tracksuit bottoms and shave that goatee."

[frajer]

Your dad flips a Scotch pancake into his eager open mouth and claps his hands like a seal.

[jenna appleseed]

"No, Dad - they didn't mean it literally. No, don't press that button....'

"I'm blowing up live on the Tick-Tocks son!"

3.....2.....1.....
KA-BOOOOOOOOM

bits of your Dad splattered everywhere, he's all up the walls and everything.

[Glebe]

Your dad is bouncing up and down in the kitchen to this. "It's called 'The Dad Dance' son, they're doing it from pole to pole! Take a look on TicTox if you don't believe me! Famous at last!"

[Glebe]

"I kinda feel like you wish that I'd never been born dad."

Your dad nods his head vigorously in the affirmative.

[frajer]

For his birthday, you buy your dad a year-long digital subscription to his favourite motoring magazine.

"Oh yes very good," he chuckles. "Where's the real gift?"

"No that is the gift dad. You get the issues straight to your iPad once a month. It cost fifty pounds."

"You spent fifty pounds on me getting an email every month?! If brains were shit son your head would have a very little dried up cat turd sat in the middle of it, pulling all the levers with very limited ability."

[Glebe]

"Will you be long in the shower dad?"

"She seems to have that invisible touch oh, she doo doo doo and slowly tears you apart!"

"I'll go in the garden then."

[Glebe]

"I can't stand these modern films like Lords of the Ring. It's all computer games graphics now. They should make more films like the Rambo films. At least they were actually real!"

[jenna appleseed]

Your dad is bouncing up and down in the kitchen to this. "It's called 'The Dad Dance' son, they're doing it from pole to pole! Take a look on TicTox if you don't believe me! Famous at last!"

"I'm a Rubberband Dad, now Son. Look at me going bounce, bounce bounce."

[jenna appleseed]

Your dad is bouncing up and down in the kitchen to this.

off topic but that "professional" karaoke backing track is amazingly, adorably shit.
Midi sax performed by a farting duck (disapointing lack of any WANK!'s from messrs Saxaphone Duck this time though).

Can somebody overdub it on the end credits dance from Bottom please?

[jenna appleseed]

Oh no, your Dad's rubberband has gone snap and his trousers have fallen down, live on ticktok, and he wasn't wearing any underpants!

(eta: I'm now trying very hard not to think bout Kate twanging her rubber band.

I've never heard it called that before.)

[Glebe]

off topic but that "professional" karaoke backing track is amazingly, adorably shit.
Midi sax performed by a farting duck (disapointing lack of any WANK!'s from messrs Saxaphone Duck this time though).

Can somebody overdub it on the end credits dance from Bottom please?

Haha! Meanwhile:

"Ask about the Parn Flakes!"

"No dad it's Bran Flakes."

"Mind about the Parn Flakes!"

"You are fucking mental mate."

[frajer]

Your dad buys himself a whistle and blows it at every perceived household infraction. "But I don't exclude myself from that son. You can't say I'm not a fair man, and if you did it'd be a whistlin'."

[Glebe]

"You know son I thought The AIDS dried up in the early '90s, but here it is back again in a new form!"

"Dad, coronavirus has nothing to do with HIV."

"Ah it's pretty much the same thing! But this time it's being spread by CHINESE gays!"

[frajer]

Your dad is sat cross-legged in the garden, picking all the petals off a daisy. "I kill my son, I kill my son not, I kill my son, I kill my son not, I kill my son."

In the silence that follows, you quickly retreat to the conservatory.

[Glebe]

Your dad's addiction to roast ham sees his weight balloon to the point where he can't fit into the shed. "This is my worst nightmare!" he cries between bites of roast ham.

[frajer]

Your dad says you should tell your friend's dad that your dad could beat up his dad.

"I'm not going to do that dad, you're 68."

"Yeah and your friend's dad is 73. I'd obliterate him!"

[frajer]

Your dad attaches his wallet to a keychain and uses it to whip off people's baseball caps in the high street. "Wa-tisssssh!" goes the cry, "Wa-tissh wa-tissssh! Another cap into the muck!"

[Glebe]

Your dad is driving out to the forest to cut down a pine tree for Christmas. "I'm sick of paying for something that's just growing out of the ground!"

"Good for you dad, just don't get caught."

"AHA! GOTCHA! I would NEVER illegally cut down a pine tree! But you would, wouldn't you, you little anarchist?"

[frajer]

Your dad is driving out to the forest to cut down a pine tree for Christmas. "I'm sick of paying for something that's just growing out of the ground!"

"Good for you dad, just don't get caught."

"AHA! GOTCHA! I would NEVER illegally cut down a pine tree! But you would, wouldn't you, you little anarchist?"

Your dad starts pointing at you and dancing around the layby bellowing, "You're a deforester! Twisted deforester!" to the tune of Prodigy's Firestarter.

[Glebe]

"Smack that bitch up!"

[Glebe]

Your dad ruins your sister's wedding do with an extraordinarily bitter rendition of 'My Way'. He grimaces at his ex-wife and her fiancé throughout.

[Glebe]

Your dad lists Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter among his heroes. "I suppose they've been 'cancelled' by the 'woke" brigade! 'Generation Snowflake', that's what I call you! 'Generation Snowflake'!"