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Things your dad is still doing.

Started by Glebe, November 02, 2021, 08:50:35 PM

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Your dad goes to see The Wombles live because he wants to see a real band who can play their instruments, 'not like the modern bands where it's all on tape'. Comes back raving about Uncle Bulgaria's guitar tone and Orinoco's drumming ('solid as a rock').

Glebe

Quote from: Clatty McCutcheon on November 25, 2021, 11:14:27 AMYour dad goes to see The Wombles live because he wants to see a real band who can play their instruments, 'not like the modern bands where it's all on tape'. Comes back raving about Uncle Bulgaria's guitar tone and Orinoco's drumming ('solid as a rock').

"Those little fills he does are fantastic. Give the likes of Dave Growl a run for his money!"

"It's 'Grohl', dad."

But he's to busy trying to remember what model of guitar Uncle B was playing.

frajer

Your dad refuses to "stream" "content" because he thinks it irradiates his balls, so he instead sends weekly emails to Netflix to ask when his DVD of The Squid Games is going to arrive.

Glebe

Quote from: Cuellar on November 18, 2021, 09:29:21 PMYour dad is serving 'man who tries to strike up conversations with strangers of the bus' realness

Quote from: Captain Poodle Basher on November 19, 2021, 06:47:47 AMHe's serving his apprenticeship. He's hoping to move up to be a stand in 'Bus Driver's Friend' in the new year. Every time he gets on the bus he looks down at that hallowed spot on the floor by the driver and thinks "Soon".

"If you're not getting off the bus, sit down mate."

"Oh yeah?! And who are you?"

"I'm another bus driver."

"Yeah well your not on duty, he is!"

"Fair enough. You can chat to him if you want, I'll move out of the way."

"Uh, hello bus driver. Can I be your friend?"

"No mate fuck off."

Your dad sits back down beside you. "I tried son, I tried. Oh fuck it I've made us miss our stop."

Glebe

Your dad pronounces cheese & onion crisps 'chez' & onion crisps.

"I'd like some chez & onion crisps son."

"Stop it dad, that's so annoying."

frajer

Your dad has hired a sky writer for your upcoming birthday and you haven't slept for two weeks from the anxiety.

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on November 25, 2021, 10:53:44 PMYour dad has hired a sky writer for your upcoming birthday and you haven't slept for two weeks from the anxiety.

'HUPPY BIRD HAY YOU CANT'

Glebe

Your dad emails you to tell you 'u r banned from my myspace page coz u r gay ha ha'.

"62 he is," you sigh to yourself.

frajer

Your dad starts eating all his food out of a horse's feed bag strapped to his head while he potters around the house doing menial tasks.

Full roast dinner, lovingly prepared by mum - whup! Into the feed bag it goes.

"Issa gamechanger," he regularly mumbles through a mouthful of gravy-soaked spuds.

Glebe

"Free Rolf Harris!" cries your dad. "He's served 'is time. He's suffered enough. Let's see him back on telly with 'is wobbleboard! Free Rolf!"

Glebe

"Just gonna pop the telly on, Crosswits with Tom O' Connor might be on."

"Dad, Crosswits ended years ago. And Tom O' Connor passed away earlier this year."

"Every little dream," snivvles your dad. "Every little dream."

Glebe

Your dad asks if you can videotape films off "Net's Flick".

Captain Poodle Basher

When you're out with your dad for your regular Sunday brunch at Harvesters, he introduces you as "My son, the man responsible for cancelling Crosswits. Drove Tom O'Connor to an early grave so he did."

Glebe

Following a discussion with your dad concerning your sexual orientation, you subsequently bring your partner around for lunch. Your dad is cordial enough throughout the afternoon, but your partner later tells you that he definitely heard your dad mutter "Adam and Steve," under his breath at one point.

frajer

Your dad grows convinced your neighbour is flicking him the Vs every time he turns away after chatting, so installs 3 security cameras focussed solely on next door's driveway.

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on November 27, 2021, 08:43:49 PMYour dad grows convinced your neighbour is flicking him the Vs every time he turns away after chatting, so installs 3 security cameras focussed solely on next door's driveway.

"Not the neighbour, but I've managed to capture incredible footage of somebody else with a bag on his head doing rude gestures and holding up a sign saying 'FUCK OFF'. Wonder who it could be?"

"I have absolutely no idea, dad. Absolutely no idea," you repeat before making a quick exit to let the gales of laughter out.

Glebe

Your dad bounds into the living room with a towel on his head and Marmite spread all over his face.

"Please to be helping you, Mr. Englishman!"

"Oh bugger 'e'll be doin' 'is Japanese next!"

He's already pulling on the edges of his eyelids.

Glebe

"There's a documentary about squids on Discovery, son!"

"Told you before I'm not interested in squids any more."

"Oh yeah. I forgot," mumbles your dad, sadly.

frajer

Your dad tentatively sits you down, pours you a drink, looks you square in the eye and asks if you honestly think he could be the new James Bond.

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on November 28, 2021, 08:49:25 PMYour dad tentatively sits you down, pours you a drink, looks you square in the eye and asks if you honestly think he could be the new James Bond.

He arches his eyebrow as he stares at you, disconcertingly. "This is the piƱata all over again," you think as you speed-dial the institution.

frajer

Your come downstairs a bit earlier than normal to find your dad standing in front of the open fridge, serenading the foodstuff. "Eggggggg, why do you make me begggggg, for your love? Millllllkkkkkk, why do you billllllkkkk, me of my love?"

"Everything alright dad?"

"All good ta, just making breakfast."

Glebe

"Hello dad, blimey that's a nice suit! You going on a date or something?"

"You no nothing concerning affairs of the heart. Leave me."

frajer

"I miss the days when UFOs would abduct people and you'd get a long grey finger up the arse. Now they just blow up the White House and Chris Pratt explodes them before they've even had a chance to lube up their digits. It's ET gone mad!"

"That's terrific dad, but could you try not to get us chucked out? I've got another 6 months on my Odeon card."

Glebe

"If you're going to be like that I'm going to sit with those other people!"

"Dad, covid!"

"Oh here we go. You can't have a proper cinema atmos without mingling and crushing! Budge over, mate! Sod the covid!

Your dad writes you out of his will and pledges to leave all of his estate to Austin, the butler from Gardenscapes.

Glebe

"This is the Austin that touched me up, dad?"

"That's the one! The one I convinced you not to press charges against. Lovely bloke, he's like another son to me! Even though he's a actually older them me. He's like a REAL son."

Your dad has made a compilation entitled 'Songs about Scarborough', but it's just 'Scarborough Fair' repeated eleven times.

Glebe

Quote from: Clatty McCutcheon on November 29, 2021, 06:30:02 PMYour dad has made a compilation entitled 'Songs about Scarborough', but it's just 'Scarborough Fair' repeated eleven times.

"How about a compilation based on London, dad?"

"Great idea son/daughter!"

With crushing inevitability it is just 'Streets of London' eleven times. No wait twelve. "Bonus track, innit?"

Your dad asks if you think you could have done better than that honking piss goblin of a wife. "I meant it affectionately, you bloody snowflake!".

Glebe

Your dad sits up with a jolt in the middle of his steak and chips dinner and exclaims, "But we can't have a darkie on the Throne!"