Things your dad is still doing.

[Glebe]

"Hey son, have you tried Ritter Sports? It's the chocolate bar with a difference!"

"Dad, your eyes have glazed."

[frajer]

"Glazed almond is a good flavour of Ritter, yes."

"Dad you're levitating and slowly rotating."

"My house, my rules."

[frajer]

It's past midnight and everyone's had a few drinks so your dad decides to regale everybody with the story of how a stranger once offered him a "toke" on a "jazz cabbage."

[Glebe]

It's past midnight and everyone's had a few drinks so your dad decides to regale everybody with the story of how a stranger once offered him a "toke" on a "jazz cabbage."

"So I says, 'Yeah go on LETTUCE have some' - BOOM! Mike drop!"

Your dad jumps out of his chair, knocking his whiskey all over the place, and launches himself out the window.

[Pink Gregory]

Your dad is working on a scheme to 'royally fuck up' an auction of promises

[Glebe]

"Merry Christmas son!"

"A Casio watch... um, thanks dad!"

"No no son, it's not a watch... it's a TikTok! Geddit?!"

"Oh you have really arseholed your life up now you absolute prick."

[frajer]

Your dad tells you his favourite Ghostbuster, and it might surprise you but he has to be honest: it's Ultimate Warrior.

[Glebe]

Your dad refers to the Star Wars franchise as "The Space Ship movies".

[frajer]

Your dad refers to the Star Wars franchise as "The Space Ship movies".

He posts his Letterboxd review later:
"They ruined it when chewy tobacco flew the Millennial Falkor but other than that it was a really good saga."

[Glebe]

"And what about them Popbusters films? Are they still popular with the teeny-boppers?"

[Glebe]

Boxing day, and the small, vaccinated gathering of relatives that have paid a visit to your dad are struggling through a game of charades.

"Charades? The whole game is charade if you ask me!" thunders your dad, discarding his paper hat and storming off to the kitchen after Cousin Bobby guessed The Bridge Over the River Kwai before your dad had gotten through the first syllable.

[frajer]

Your dad sets up "Dad's No Sons Pub" in the garden shed, you can see him sitting in there on a folding chair with a mini keg of Heineken and a novelty pint glass, glowering at you through the open door.

Your phone buzzes. Text from Dad: YOU DONT EXIST WHEN IM IN HERE X

[Glebe]

"Hi dad just thought I pop round for a cuppa!"

"Sorry son, I'm just going out for a power lunch with some movie executives," replies your dad, puffing on a big cuban cigar. "Oh here's the limo now!"

"Um best of luck dad."

"Cheers son. You are my son, aren't you? I think I had a daughter that went trans. Anyway bye for now. Drive on Nettley!"

[Catalogue of ills]

"Bye mum, bye dad, I'm off to that music weekender"

This sets in motion your dad's 72 hour hunt for his Stone Roses Spike Island ticket stub.

[Glebe]

Your dad's latest mixtape consists solely of Marillion and Mike and the Mechanics songs. "Satisfying, every last track!"

[frajer]

Your dad can't get the lid off the Marmite so he drives it to the dock and smashes it against a departing ship.

[Glebe]

Your dad can't decide whether he prefers Nesquik or Cola Cao. "I'm taking a sabbatical from Ovaltine, and Horlicks is a no-go since that diarrhea incident!"

[Glebe]

"Who's top of the pops this month, son?"

"Um... Adele?"

"Oh yeah. She's like Taylor Swift isn't she? It's all women singers now."

[frajer]

Your dad buys himself a catapult and knocks on the neighbour's door to apologise in advance "because I will be aiming for you and your wife on the way to the car."

[Glebe]

Your dad buys himself a catapult and knocks on the neighbour's door to apologise in advance "because I will be aiming for you and your wife on the way to the car."

Fortunately your granddad spots him before he can take aim.

"It's a slippering for you, my lad!"

"No fear!"

[frajer]

"Crumbs! Scarper!" your dad yells as he shoves the catapult into your hands.

The local constable and the mayor bring home later covered in cross-hatched bruises. "I tried to cata-pull a fast one but they were after me like a shot!"

[Glebe]

"Don't buy Poundland socks son, they may only £1.49 or summit but it's the ol' false enconomy, innit? They'll wear out before you can cry 'Jack Robinson!' Get yourself a proper twin pack of thick socks for £5.99 or thereabouts in BHS."

"Dad, BHS is gone now."

"Well one of the modern stores. Woolworths or that."

[frajer]

Your dad buys a soda stream and tries to carbonate the cat.

[Glebe]

Your dad buys a soda stream and tries to carbonate the cat.

"Dad, where's Tiddles?"

"He's gettin' busy with the fizzy!"

[MoonDust]

Dad forgot to give your mum the gift you posted for her birthday but addressed to your dad to keep it hidden.

"I'm in for it now lol" your dad texts you.

[Glebe]

Dad forgot to give your mum the gift you posted for her birthday but addressed to your dad to keep it hidden.

"I'm in for it now lol" your dad texts you.

"I'll give it her next time I see her. She'll have that 25 year-old fiancé in tow no doubt."

[frajer]

Your dad finds discarded mittens on the way home, puts them in a Tesco bag and plops it under the Christmas tree.

"Who are they for then, dad?"

"Whoever wakes up earliest! Hope it's me."

[frajer]

After he spots a tan sheepskin coat in a skip, your dad starts a side business as a Del Boy impersonator.

"Rodney you plonky dipstick, mange de la merde, this time next year we'll be livin la vida loca," you can hear him muttering as he paces about the living room.

[Glebe]

"Hilda Ogden's gorn nuts!"

"What's that dad?"

"Oh don't mind me son just talkin' shite!"

[MoonDust]

Your dad still subscribes to those "Build your own X" magazines every January.

"They're cool!"