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Things your dad is still doing.

Started by Glebe, November 02, 2021, 08:50:35 PM

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Glebe

"Dad, I've been offered a top job in the city!"

"Leave me," croaks your dad, waving his arm dismissively."

Glebe

"Oh dear," notes your dad, with a deep, fruity chuckle, "I'm afraid 'the DNA people' have gotten back to me and YOU'RE NOT MY SON!"

frajer

Your dad constructs a big human-shaped piñata with your school photo over its face and absolutely leathers it with a cricket bat.

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on November 11, 2021, 03:39:52 PMYour dad constructs a big human-shaped piñata with your school photo over its face and absolutely leathers it with a cricket bat.

Haha!!

"Oooh, good shot that man!"

"Hello is this the mental asylum? My dad is having a major mental breakdown. Piñata, yes."

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on November 11, 2021, 03:42:25 PM
Haha!!

"Oooh, good shot that man!"

"Hello is this the mental asylum? My dad is having a major mental breakdown. Piñata, yes."

"Ey son, I've just hit your cock and balls for six!"

"If you could hurry, yeah."

Glebe

"He's dead! I killed my Mexican donkey son!"

"Please hurry..."

Captain Poodle Basher

Quote from: frajer on November 10, 2021, 06:53:51 PM
Your dad gaffer tapes a webcam to a kite and sprints down the post office to file a patent for DadDrone.

He imagines himself on Dragon's Den giving his sales pitch.

"With Dad Drone, you can send it up to make sure there's enough leaves in the gutter to make it worth your while borrowing nextdoor's ladder because you know what he's like.

You can use it to check on the other side of the fence to make sure they've used the correct preservative like you told them to.

You can check on your son when he's in his room to make sure he's not interfering with himself again."

In your dad's mind's eye the Dragons are now fighting amongst themselves to invest in his wondrous invention while, in millions of households, viewers of a middle aged male persuasion are shouting "YES!" and reaching for their credit card.

Glebe

"So what are the cool things now, son?"

"Dad, I'm 52 years old. My daughter is gonna have a baby. You can ask her what the 'cool things' are if you ever visit her."

"Wait, I'm gonna be a great-grandfather? That sucks balls!"

Glebe

Your dad wins the prestigious Cunt of the Millennium award. Again.

Glebe

Your dad has every issue of Starburst in pristine condition.

"Nothing wrong with that dad, it's okay for adults to like science fiction and that. The hentai however..."

frajer

Your dad buys a doughnut from the new local bakery and squirts jam all down the front of his shirt, which he claims triggers a flashback to 'Nam.

Glebe

Your dad keeps referencing Freddy Boswell and everyone just keeps looking at each other and shrugging.

frajer

"Alexa! Go down the shops and buy me a half-loaf of Mother's Pride and a tin of pineapple!"

"Dad you don't even have any Amazon devices."

"Eh? Oh yeah, meant to say son, I've renamed you Alexa. Deed poll's on its way."

Glebe

"The Alexei, tape record The Onedin Line for me!"

"Dad, I told you-"

"-Then make me dinner for me, Alicia! Has to be spaghetti hoops though!"

"He's shouting at the fucking WiFi modem..."

frajer

Your dad is secretly siphoning petrol from all the neighbours' cars at night. "I miss the drama of the shortage, y'know? Heady days son, you should have been there!"

You daren't ask where he thinks you were.

Glebe

Your dad is just finishing his tea when he jumps up in shock. "Almost forgot... its Saturday night- put Brucie on!"

"I assume you mean legendary entertainer Bruce Forsyth, dad?" I'm afraid he passed away a couple of years back."

"NO! It can't be! G'wan, put it on, The Generation Game, Brucie's Guest Night, whatever he's doing! Pop it on!"

"The last thing he did was Strictly, dad. But he's gone to the great stage in the sky. I'm sorry."

"Ah well. What about Larry Grayson then, what's he up to? 'Oh I could crush some grapes, I really could!"

frajer

Your dad stacks up 12 potato waffles and karate chops them in twain. "Potato halfles are served!" he chortles as he heads off to bed.

Glebe

Your dad is on the kitchen table in his onesie, belting out Madonna's 'Express Yourself' at full volume.

jenna appleseed

Your dad has just been laughing at the youtube of the dad karate chopping potato waffles and is now repeatedly singing the 'birds eye potato waffles, they're waffle versatile ' jingle at everyone who vaguely looks like they might listen.

Your dad has now moved on to going "pe-eas" with a bag of peas on head, followed by explaining in a bizare combination of ultra tedious detail & unwarranted excitement how that was based on a joke about dad (him) putting on the peas, from that advert that "interestingly enough" wasn't from an advert for peas at all, it was for Findus Crispy Pancakes!

Your dad still cant look at beef stroganoff without mentioning Steve Davis.

jenna appleseed

You Dad is demanding that you tell him the truth about who you love more:
daddy or chips? daddy or chips, daddy or chips, DADDY OR CHIPS?????

He's pointing a gun at you and everything.

IT'S CHIPS ISN'T IT, FUCKING CHIPS....

*singing* (while you try to make a run for it ) HOPE IT'S CHIPs HOPE ITS CHIPS HOPE ITS CHIPS


jenna appleseed

Your dad is wondering why he can't play any music on the not so newfangled Pono thingy he got 'direct from Neil Young'.
"Neil just happened to be hanging out near the boozer, and it only cost £10 . Just can't seem to find the on button, can you have a go son?"

"Dad, that's a toblarone."

jenna appleseed

Your dad makes a million on ebay, flogging it as an "ultra rare one off chocolate Pono, touched & signed by the Neel himself"

It's got NEEILE YUONGUE scrawled on it in felt tip in what looks a lot like your dad's terrible handwriting.

Glebe

Quote from: jenna appleseed on November 13, 2021, 09:05:21 PM"Dad, that's a toblarone."

"Oh yeah. It was in a Malaga airport plastic bag with an 'I HEART Spain' fridge magnet. Best before date 4/9/16. The Toblerone, not the fridge magnet. What am I saying, mad!"

jenna appleseed

Your dad discovers knock off reversible octopus toys on this local market 

"Look son, this is just what you need for your squid games. If we buy 12 we'll have enough for a whole team" he chortles.

He just can't see the point of televising hours worth of playing 'catch the beanbag' with tentacled toys ("should be called Octopus Games really", he ponders), much more fun having a real game of it in the park.

jenna appleseed

Your dad is standing in the park throwing toy cephalopods at passers by.

The police is taking him away an everything.

"but I thought everybody loved Squid Games", he says in ashamed confusion when your mum comes to rescue him from the police station.

Glebe

"It's not my fault officer. They're all into this A Game of Squids now and I just got carried away! It's like disco all over again, although I was a young man of 39 then."

frajer

Back home, your dad is ploughing through a bottle of Jim Bean and telling you what he'd do if he had eight arms. "Shitty squids wouldn't stand a chance son. Calamari for breakfast I tell you what. Zzzzzz."

Glebe

Pot of tea, full Swiss roll to himself, double bill of The Good Life on Gold, you quietly slip out and leave him to his utopia!

Captain Poodle Basher

Quote from: Glebe on November 14, 2021, 03:53:37 PM
Pot of tea, full Swiss roll to himself, double bill of The Good Life on Gold, you quietly slip out and leave him to his utopia!


Not before you overhear your dad say "God, Jerry was just poured into those slacks."

Glebe

"You're my wife now! And that was the end of the date son."