Things your dad is still doing.

[jenna appleseed]

"You're my wife now! And that was the end of the date son."

and that's how I met and got stuck with your mother.

[frajer]

Your dad buys some novelty Bigfoot slippers, falls asleep on the couch and screams the house down when he wakes up.

"I'm off to live with John Lithgow," are the last coherent words you hear him sob as he clumsily runs down the front path.

[Glebe]

Your dad describes disabled parking as "bonkaz Britain".

[KaraokeDragon]

Your dad is trying to make LSD in his shed by grinding up a colony of ants in a mortar and pestle.

[Glebe]

"Have you ever seen a biscuit so chocolatey?"

"Get a life dad."

[frajer]

Your dad treats himself to a large bronze belt buckle that says DILFIN'

[Glebe]

"Dad, I've won a competition!"

"Well done you! Well done you... c*nt!"

[frajer]

Your dad says, "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee! Or afterwards. Or ever again."

[Glebe]

Your dad is sitting in a bath of porridge in the kitchen.

"I'm blowing up live on the Tick-Tocks son! Gone viral!"

"Dad, you haven't flipped the camera view, you're filming the wall!"

[frajer]

While at the beach, a donkey kicks your dad in the head and he speaks Chinese for a year.

[Glebe]

While at the beach, a donkey kicks your dad in the head and he speaks Chinese for a year.

Exactly one year later the same donkey kicks him and its 365 days of Latin.

[frajer]

"Come on, join your dad round the joanna for a good old sing-song! OH I'mmmm bringing sexy back YEAH them other fuckers don't know HOW to ACT! Ooh this thing needs tuning."

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Your dad is getting the dog Botox treatment for its Christmas present.

[frajer]

Your dad is sitting on every individual fence post round the perimeter of the garden to test whether youths would be tempted to sit there on the way back from the pub.

[Glebe]

Your dad floats around the garage to the sound of The Two Ronnies theme. He bumps off the ceiling and various corners but you eventually get him down.

[frajer]

Your dad places a tuba to his anus and parps out La Cucharacha.

It doesn't lift the mood of Auntie Geraldine's wake and you have your doubts that "her and the devil will be laughing their knackers off right now."

[Glebe]

Your dad places a tuba to his anus and parps out La Cucharacha.

Surprisingly there are still a few stragglers left by the time he starts into 'Bamboleo'.

[frajer]

Surprisingly there are still a few stragglers left by the time he starts into 'Bamboleo'.

Heh! You should see him busk! Carried on the shoulders of a Covent Garden crowd, buff-shined tuba dangling from his resplendent arsehole. Glory days, lad.

[Glebe]

Heh! You should see him busk! Carried on the shoulders of a Covent Garden crowd, buff-shined tuba dangling from his resplendent arsehole. Glory days, lad.

"Do 'La Bamba'!"

"I'm sorry, but dad is not taking requests today!"

[Huxleys Babkins]

Your dad's just discovered chemsex.

[batwings]

Wearing only a pair of beige underpants, your dad is digging a large hole in the back garden. When you ask what the hole's for he just laughs and says 'You'll see soon enough, son... soon enough... you shall see." and continues digging.

[frajer]

"All hands on deck! Hold your nerve and belay that jibber jabber, me hearties! Oh fuck, that narwhal's back!"

Puzzlingly, your dad has started having the vivid nightmares of a beleaguered sea captain.

[Glebe]

Your dad gives you 15p and sends you to the shop for a Marathon. "You can keep the change! Get yourself a bag of Jelly Tots!"

[frajer]

"Dad, 15p won't even get a Freddo these days."

"I don't want your modern frog muck, I said a Marathon. Is the arsehole circus in town? Why am I talking to an arsehole clown?"

[Glebe]

"Okay son, I'll get with the times... here's five quid for some Reece's Pieces or a Hershey Bar. Will that be enough? See you on the flipside m'man!"

[frajer]

After departing for the flipside, your dad skateboards through a museum and knocks over a priceless vase. When the police call they inform you his only statement is "crumbs, I'm sure for a slippering tonight."

[Glebe]

"Please come quietly sir."

"No fear! Fuck tha po-lice, eh readers?"

[Greg Torso]

[Glebe]

Your dad is haggling over the price of a container of Horlicks with Mr. Chin at the mini mart.

[frajer]

You've just logged in at work when you receive a text from your dad saying if they don't make an Expendables 4 he is going to kill you.