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David Attenborough docs are shit for cunts

Started by Twit 2, November 14, 2021, 05:34:49 PM

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Twit 2

I watched his latest nature porn on the Beeb, "The Mating Game."

In every voice over, in every episode he kept referring to "the mating game." Often with a little pause before he said it. Like this: "These flamingos are going to have to get a move on if they're to play...the mating game!!!"

Now, look Dave. Yes, you're a national Treasure. Yes, we'd all pay to queue for the chance to pluck your wizened white arse hair from your sagacious anus with our grateful, gnashing teeth. We'll all sob our car exhausts out our cunts when you cark and then stand on a bridge on the A14, saluting at kestrels. Fine.

But FFS, "the mating game" is a lame, punny title. It is not a description of anything meaningful in the natural world. Why is he talking to us like we're 4 years old? Would it kill the BBC to actually have some factual, scientific content? These flagship docs are getting more and more dumbed down. At this stage, it's just "Look at these animals, eh? Cuh!" I hope to Christ he's not actually had a hand in these awful scripts.

The OTT soundtrack and ludicrous foley effects can fuck off too.

He's pissed away his goodwill. Hope he dies on the same day as the Queen and nobody notices. Can you dig that, CaB? Can you cope with this level of daring iconoclasm??

Please wish death on this lovely man.


Shoulders?-Stomach!

He probably doesn't bother writing these lines. Doubt he even checks the content. Bet you could get him to say 'Look at that flipping zebra set upon mercilessly like that... what a pack of cunts'

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 14, 2021, 05:38:00 PM
He probably doesn't bother writing these lines. Doubt he even checks the content. Bet you could get him to say 'Look at that flipping zebra set upon mercilessly like that... what a pack of cunts'

if i was his age i'd tell them to use a voiceover artist/voice version of deepfake and take a cut for doing fuck all.

like morgan freeman did with them insurance adverts.

Butchers Blind


Brian Freeze

I used to want to be him when I grew up.

Not working out so far.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Also he objected to that boat name and it caused enough fuss that the boat got named after him. Tediously staid and unnecessarily po-faced behaviour.


TrenterPercenter

Can't wait till he dies and is posthumously revealed as a safari-nonce monkey diddler.

idunnosomename

The mating game sucks let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos

Johnny Foreigner

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 14, 2021, 05:42:39 PM
Also he objected to that boat name and it caused enough fuss that the boat got named after him. Tediously staid and unnecessarily po-faced behaviour.

I agree. Moreover, this Covid thing should have been named Virusy McVirusface. It would have made the pandemic a more light-hearted affair.

Wasn't there a rumor going around in the 90s that he bums geese?  As usual i'm sure the BBC tried to play it down.

Johnny Foreigner

As a penguin lover, I really liked Life in the Freezer. Got to hand it to him: that was some fine penguin footage.

I was also a fervent Patrick Moore fan. All-right, he liked Enoch Powell and later joined UKIP, but he composed cracking concert music as well. I ask you: what classical music has David Attenborough ever composed? When did you ever see him play the xylophone in a monocle or smoke his trademark pipe?

Twonty Gostelow

Johnny Morris used to tell us what the animals were saying, but this guy can't be bothered.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

"If you think about it, if animals could talk it would largely be 'I quite want to rape and/or kill and eat that one over there" or "Leave me be I just want to eat grass while my legs quiver terrified of my very existence"

"Ah that's better, a cheetah!"

Thumbing his bell while an ostrich gets gang strangled by a pack of gorillas

imitationleather

My mate at school said he used to get bummed by him every weekend.

imitationleather

Oh hang on, that's not right.

I had no mates at school.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote from: ImmaculateClump on November 14, 2021, 06:16:53 PM
Thumbing his bell while an ostrich gets gang strangled by a pack of gorillas

While glancing to camera breathing heavily and boasting 'this is just the start'

Butchers Blind

He couldn't even be bothered to make a Ghandi film, left it to his brother to do.

Jerzy Bondov

Don't understand why anyone over the age of 6 watches this shit, oh look some animals going around, so fucking what

Uncle TechTip

I reckon he got a stiffy when he hung around with those gorillas. I think I would too, the sexy hairy gigantic beasts.

Nah, he's a formicophile. What they don't tell you about the famous termite mound footage is that he had such a tremendous stalk on the whole time that when he was pulled out, his old boy snagged on the roof of the chamber he was in and pulled the entire thing down on the crew.

ZoyzaSorris

I think most of these docs he has nothing to do with other than the voiceover. He obviously used to be a lot more involved. Sadly it seems like we are generally looking at any depth being a complete anathema in the modern BBC doc landscape. Not sure how the BBC went down its path of complete and irreversible anti-intellectualism but there you go.

Replies From View

I always get David Attenborough mixed up with Loyd Grossman, for obvious reasons

non capisco

Bangs on about saving the environment all the time whilst simultaneously speeding up mankind's demise by famously giving a bat a dig in the whiskers whilst filming 'David Attenborough's Wuhan Nights' for BritBox. You do not know where you stand with the guy. 

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Replies From View on November 15, 2021, 12:52:20 AM
I always get David Attenborough mixed up with Loyd Grossman, for obvious reasons

Oh this is an easy one to get around, you just need to remember there isn't an out-of-focus photo of Lloyd Grossman proudly hung on the wall of Imrans restaurant in Ladypool Road, Sparkbrook.

The Mollusk

Quote from: Johnny Foreigner on November 14, 2021, 05:57:51 PM
I ask you: what classical music has David Attenborough ever composed?

Conducted a fair few bonobo howling choirs with his throbbing baton I'm fucking sure

shiftwork2

I watched an old Horizon doc from 1981 the other week about plane crashes and the (at the time) new Crew Resource Management idea.  It was a beautiful thing - complex ideas explained well, and with subtle pacing that allowed the viewer to digest the important bits.  It assumed you'd actively watch it.

Now of course when a fucking marmoset pops its head up there's a cheeky little orchestral sting followed by 30 secs of Harry Potter music before another marmoset pops its head up.

Science documentaries gone.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

I feel like this thread needs a final intervention from BlodwynPig. An embittered hatchet job that puts the - let's face it, old - duffer in his place.

poodlefaker

He was a trustee of an org I worked for years ago and would often show up for the social occasions, which I thought was impressive, but he turned out to be quite dull company tbh. Alright cheers