Minor-league neighbour bullshit

[Mobbd]

Other posters have described far worse neighbour situations than mine here; this is just a small one. Judge Judy would throw it out of court and into low-earth orbit.

Moved into a new flat a few months ago and quickly agreed to an arrangement with the nextdoor neighbour to mop our level of "the close" (i.e. the communal landing and stairwell) every so often. I don't mind such community-minded arrangements in principle and have voluntarily done things like close cleaning and picking up litter in the past. But here's the bullshit:

It doesn't feel voluntary to me because this was at his suggestion. So it feels like I'm being subservient to him or something. He had an air of "don't you even know you're supposed to clean the close?" about him, which rubbed me up the wrong way a bit.

Also when he first raised it, the request took me by surprise because I thought there was a cleaning service. I've lived in buildings where there was one and buildings where there wasn't; and I just thought I'd read that we had one this time. He gave me this sputtering "pfft, of course not posh boy"-type remark (not his words but that was the gist) which also pissed me off.

Still, I've mopped once and he has done the same. It's currently pretty grubby out there and it's probably my turn.

Trouble on top of wanting to be a good neighbour by overlooking the mild shittiness above: (a) he makes a lot of dirt because he lets his dog run around after walks and he also smokes in the close at least once a day making it stinky; and (b) he is unemployed and home all day while my partner and I are pretty busy with work as well as still doing "moving in"-type shit, so it's hard to find time to clean the close, which I see as low-priority but still end up feeling guilty about; and (c) even when one of us cleans our bit of the close it still doesn't mean "a clean close" because the  neighbours of other floors rarely do their bits (and if they ever do, it's not a coordinated effort, inevitably meaning one clean landing and two dirty landings at any one time).

So. Shall I be a bigshot and pay for a cleaning service to come in every month or so? Should I risk non-poshboy wrath by asking this guy to chip in for that? Or shall I simply knife him to death and throw him in the canal? If I do the latter, I'm certain the police would understand.

[imitationleather]

Move house.

[Rizla]

Clean close til it shines, then do a great big shit on the floor a week later when it's his turn.

[boki]

Cleanse it with fire, blame it on his cigs.

[QDRPHNC]

Offer to pay him five pounds to clean it for you. Make sure he knows that you're asking because he's unemployed and has more time to do it, and also tell him it would be good for him, maybe build up his confidence to get back on the workforce again, then hit him and tell him to get going or you'll fuck him up more.

[Blinder Data]

I'm guessing you don't have a factor? Otherwise this is one of the services all residents in your building would pay some company however much per month to handle.

It depends how much you want to take on. Short term, I would recommend doing the bare minimum of cleaning to please grumpy neighbour. Long-term, it might be in your interest to get a factor for the building or arrange a semi-official "self-factor" system (e.g. a bank account all residents pay into for maintenance), but I understand organising that isn't appealing.

In my old flat, I never cleaned the close. A few other neighbours who had lived there for decades did the cleaning and never brought it up with me. Lovely people.

[Ferris]

Haven't read your complaint but If he's minor league, you need to see a high BB% (0.080 to 0.100 at least) and an OPS consistently 1-200 points higher than cohort (with solid GB/LD/FB ratio and median BABIP) if he's going to make it to the Bigs.

[jobotic]

Yeah!



Anyway, a close? Like Brookside? He wants you to clean a street? I've lived in a couple of flats and I don't remember the communal bits being called that. Are you regional?

[Mobbd]

then hit him and tell him to get going or you'll fuck him up more

To be fair, that would prepare him for a return to the workforce, psychologically.

Anyway, a close? Like Brookside? He wants you to clean a street? I've lived in a couple of flats and I don't remember the communal bits being called that. Are you regional?

Scotch.

I'm guessing you don't have a factor? Otherwise this is one of the services all residents in your building would pay some company however much per month to handle.

Cheers Blinder, we DO have a factor and not a particularly bad one. I've got a request in with them about a quote. They're saying they offer fortnightly cleans though which seems like overkill and likely more money than the whole gang (self included) will want to pay. Looking into it though and if it's loadsamoney I can think about your other tips. Thanks for taking it seriously! (Though I really want to follow Rizla's advice obviously)

[Attila]

Haven't read your complaint but If he's minor league, you need to see a high BB% (0.080 to 0.100 at least) and an OPS consistently 1-200 points higher than cohort (with solid GB/LD/FB ratio and median BABIP) if he's going to make it to the Bigs.

I dunno, if he's a Boone, he might automatically get grandfather'd in, 4th generation and that.

[Goldentony]

if it isnt in writing tell him to fuck off and trip him up as he's leaving

[dissolute ocelot]

Fill a bucket with hot water and detergent and toss it down the close. Job done.

Didn't know until now that smoking in communal stairs is legal in Scotland. But still cunty. (A lot of tenancy agreements and factoring agreements forbid it.) Other than telling him most of the mess is his fault and he should clean up after his dog, not much you can do. Unilaterally paying for a cleaner seems like it would only encourage him to be obnoxious.

[Mobbd]

Other than telling him most of the mess is his fault and he should clean up after his dog, not much you can do.

That is literally the only correct thing to do. Because I am so conflict-averse and generally shite at speaking to people especially if I want something from them, this genuinely didn't occur to me. I'll try and be less of a wuss.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Leave a big fake bomb with a ticking alarm clock down there. If he calls the police, explain that you thought that's what he asked you to do. They won't buy this, so your next step is to cry until they leave.

[monkfromhavana]

I know this hasn't ever been suggested before, but have you thought about, when it's his week to clean, pissing through your own letterbox onto the "close"?

[Sebastian Cobb]

I lived in one tenement with a downstairs neighbour who was an absolute dickhead. He never really annoyed me personally in a standard antisocial neighbour kind of way but several highlights were:

• getting shitfaced and locking himself out, causing him to have to punch a panel out of his own door to get in
• getting shitfaced and falling over in front of his own door then passing out with his arse hanging out his jeans (i discovered him while taking my bins out and he woke up as i was stepping over him on the return path causing me to have to do an awkward 'are you alright mate?' despite clearly trying to ignore him).
• buying a flat down the road and filling the communal shed full of stuff so i couldn't get my bike out, then having to lock it in the downstairs landing
• taking my old ghetto blaster i put in the shed (because i was using it outside when doing woodwork) to decorate the other flat and covering it in paint
• walking home one time i caught up with him and his missus and he was just being a pissed twat, not abusive but she told him he was drunk and needed to stop being an embarrassment
• letting his whippet shit in the back garden so i trod in it when fetching my washing in my slippers

Quick 'cobb fact' in the same block the downstairs neighbour was a theatre actor who played the zookeeper in Still Game. He once also got very pissed and locked himself out and fucked around with the buzzers until he got bundled into a police car. I'd only just moved in so didn't know him at the time and didn't let him in.

[Gurke and Hare]

Do you/he own or rent? In English law - I assume from the fact that it's a close you're in Scotland so I guess this may not apply - unless it says in their lease that they are tenants aren't responsible for the common areas, landlords and owner-occupiers are. But I'm in a position where the people who owner-occupy the flats above and below the one I'm renting have chivvied me into hoovering the hall and stairs every now and then because fuck it, it's easier than arguing isn't it? Renting's shit.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

If a cleaning service isn't a runner (because people won't pay for it) and you don't want to hassle this guy to clean up after his dogs and cigs, then clean it once a month/once every two weeks. Write it on the calendar. Clean it when it's your turn and after that say "not my problem". If it stays filthy between your turns (i.e. he's not cleaning) then stop cleaning.

[Ferris]

I lived in one tenement with a downstairs neighbour who was an absolute dickhead. He never really annoyed me personally in a standard antisocial neighbour kind of way but several highlights were:

• getting shitfaced and locking himself out, causing him to have to punch a panel out of his own door to get in
• getting shitfaced and falling over in front of his own door then passing out with his arse hanging out his jeans (i discovered him while taking my bins out and he woke up as i was stepping over him on the return path causing me to have to do an awkward 'are you alright mate?' despite clearly trying to ignore him).
• buying a flat down the road and filling the communal shed full of stuff so i couldn't get my bike out, then having to lock it in the downstairs landing
• taking my old ghetto blaster i put in the shed (because i was using it outside when doing woodwork) to decorate the other flat and covering it in paint
• walking home one time i caught up with him and his missus and he was just being a pissed twat, not abusive but she told him he was drunk and needed to stop being an embarrassment
• letting his whippet shit in the back garden so i trod in it when fetching my washing in my slippers

Quick 'cobb fact' in the same block the downstairs neighbour was a theatre actor who played the zookeeper in Still Game. He once also got very pissed and locked himself out and fucked around with the buzzers until he got bundled into a police car. I'd only just moved in so didn't know him at the time and didn't let him in.

Sounds a fuckin legend. Whippet tods on the slippers was the clincher for me.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Sounds a fuckin legend. Whippet tods on the slippers was the clincher for me.

one weekend i got really stoned in summer and they decided to have a barbecue, his partner kindly hoiked all my stuff off the washing line before they lit it and folded it up neatly and put it outside my door. She knocked but see above, i pretended to be out like a massive melt. they cained my ghetto blaster with irrgh-and-wob pendulum all afternoon, so loud it caused the cd player to skip at times (i say this as a fan of drum and bass).

I reckon from the stories i'm telling he sounds like a young lithe guy but he was a short round bald guy who looked about 50 but was probably about 40.

regret leaving that fucker behind really, they don't make them like they used to

[madhair60]

just look him in the eyes and say "i'm not cleaning fuck shit for free"

[bgmnts]

Yeah this can only really end with you and him shirtless on top of Millenium Tower beating the everloving piss out of each other.

[Blinder Data]

I think this is definitely something your factor should sort out. Those guys make coin from doing naff all.

I don't have any experience with factors but based on what friends tell me they often take the piss, so I would recommend pushing them if they come back with an astronomical quote.

Thinking about it, I think my tenancy agreement said I should make sure the close was in a good order. Thankfully my neighbours never bothered me about it.

At the end of the day, it's what you're willing to put up with. However, even minor neighbour aggro grinds you down eventually. Cleaning the close every now and again (NOT according to this guy's timetable) might be your best option, if it keeps everyone sweet.

[Sebastian Cobb]

my factors finally sorted the lift after moving in, in 2017.

of course they didn't actually announce this fact, so i looked like a complete prick when i told a takeaway driver 'the lift's bust mate' (the stairs are at the front and the lift is at the back so it's easy to enter and miss it) only for him to respond with 'well i came up in it!'.

i rarely use it because i'm an indolent hermit and stairs will do me good

[Dex Sawash]

Leave a guitar amp on the landing

[Butchers Blind]

Fuck this cunt up big time. Let him know who runs the manor. Snooker ball in a sock, that kind of thing.

[Sebastian Cobb]

shit in your food waste box and leave it in the lobby

[Cerys]

Bury him under the patio.  Tastefully.

[Jittlebags]

Spunk through his letterbox.

[Mobbd]

I think this is definitely something your factor should sort out. Those guys make coin from doing naff all.

I don't have any experience with factors but based on what friends tell me they often take the piss, so I would recommend pushing them if they come back with an astronomical quote.

Thinking about it, I think my tenancy agreement said I should make sure the close was in a good order. Thankfully my neighbours never bothered me about it.

At the end of the day, it's what you're willing to put up with. However, even minor neighbour aggro grinds you down eventually. Cleaning the close every now and again (NOT according to this guy's timetable) might be your best option, if it keeps everyone sweet.

Here's what I'm going to do. I already have a request for a quote in with the factor. If it's not a truly demented amount of money (it can't be more than £100 per month for a fortnightly clean, can it?) I will give them the go-ahead to ask the other residents. That's what the next step would be: if a majority of residents agree to it, we can have a cleaning service. Half the building are lazy hipsters like me (and surely likely to agree) while the other half is older fag-smoking salt-of-the-earth types. If I can convince *one* of those households (maybe even my neighbour) to get on board, we should be golden. It will solve my moral deadlock and mean we actually have a clean close.

If that fails, I'll do the spunk through the letterbox thing.

I've already hinted to my neighbour that I am struggling to find the time to do it (which is true in addition to my personal grudge about being asked to do it). He said "busy man" in a shitty way akin to his response when I asked if there was a cleaning service. I was like, "well, um, yeah," because the truth is that I am quite busy/knackered from being busy but it's a sort of busy that just doesn't exist in his world; anyone professing to be busy is a posh cunt or a liar.

It's EXACTLY like in 15 Stories High how that neighbour lady thinks Vince is Lord Snooty.