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If heaven exists

Started by madhair60, November 21, 2021, 01:43:14 PM

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Quote from: Mavis Golightly on November 21, 2021, 04:23:11 PMSo if there's no erections in Heaven, does that mean they're only allowed in Hell? Asking for a friend, naturally.

Thomas Aquinas once said that the greatest pleasure of heaven was being able to look down and see everyone in hell being full stalk.

Dr Rock

There's no Hell, Satan and Hell barely get a mention in the lomgest book ever. I gather that those who didn't choose jessus have to live nn a shitty version of earth but all the shops and pubs are shut and there's no wifi.

bgmnts

Do the billions who lived before jesus get a chance to prove their worthiness?

Dr Rock


JamesTC

Anything you do in real life doesn't actually stop you from getting to heaven, but you need to be careful about what you say and do on the internet because it all gets uploaded to the cloud.

Cloud

I seem to remember the biblical version is that you spend the rest of eternity in a state of worship and servitude? Sounds bloody awful.  What an ego that guy has. I imagine if there are any erections it's His and you all get to suck it.

chveik

Quote from: bgmnts on November 21, 2021, 05:40:30 PMDo the billions who lived before jesus get a chance to prove their worthiness?

i'm not a specialist but for instance in Dante's Inferno all the virtuous non-christians (greek philosophers and the like) are in the first circle of hell.

chveik


Quote from: chveik on November 21, 2021, 07:09:14 PMthe virtuous non-christians (greek philosophers and the like)

This Alighieri boy, his mates are all nonces.

thenoise

Angel Lust is a phenomenon whereby recently deceased are so turned on by the Lord's hordes of horny angels that they die with a great big stiffy. Or something like that. I can only conclude that Heaven is a right old fuck fest, and the reason they wear those robes is for easy access to their willies and fannies.

The Dog

Think your penis comes off and gets judged separately.

Johnny Foreigner

Suppose your body is restored to you by divine magick and you find yourself impotent, even though your tarse had been in fine working order before you popped your clogs. Such an eventuality would imply fallibility, or at least deception, on God's part and can therefore be excluded. The very absence of erections, or indeed clitoral tumescence, would be highly embarrassing to God, at it would paint Their image in a defective light.

TrenterPercenter

What do you mean "if" it exists? I've been there mate! It's got waterslides, mini golf and is full of paeds.

Cold Meat Platter

In heaven everyone has constant boners and wide-ons and it's no big deal at all.
And you can choose to have pubes or not when you go in.

Jittlebags

Do we know what God's view on vajazzling is? Is it better to remove it before you cark, or will St Michael discretely take it off you and hide it under his tunic lest God smites you with his raging wrath?

bgmnts

Good god what if heaven actually is real and God reads this.

JamesTC


idunnosomename

Quote from: Video Game Fan 2000 on November 21, 2021, 05:08:41 PMThomas Aquinas once said that the greatest pleasure of heaven was being able to look down and see everyone in hell being full stalk.
thats cause he was so fucking fat he couldnt see his own cock

Cloud


Quote from: idunnosomename on November 21, 2021, 10:51:31 PMthats cause he was so fucking fat he couldnt see his own cock

Thomas Aquinas once said that the greatest pleasure of heaven was they give you like, seven or eight full length mirrors and you can put them wherever you like.

kalowski

Only have an erection in heaven if you had one when you die. So Michael Hutchence, David Carradine and Stephen Milligan have permanent heavenly hard-ons.

SpiderChrist

Bollocks to heaven,I can't even get one down here.

Jittlebags

November 22, 2021, 10:37:38 AM #52 Last Edit: November 22, 2021, 01:20:23 PM by Jittlebags
Quote from: kalowski on November 22, 2021, 06:47:25 AMOnly have an erection in heaven if you had one when you die. So Michael Hutchence, David Carradine and Stephen Milligan have permanent heavenly hard-ons.

I hear that the angels use them as hoopla targets for their haloes.

Dr Rock

When Jesus says to the thief on the cross next to him that he's going to get into Heaven, how did the Gospel writers know that?

idunnosomename

Quote from: Dr Rock on November 22, 2021, 11:09:11 AMWhen Jesus says to the thief on the cross next to him that he's going to get into Heaven, how did the Gospel writers know that?
well that's only in Luke. Luke tends to have more dramatic, human elements interpolated from an unknown source (or yes, made up to illustrate "greater truths", fine). There were people around the cross the whole time, the Romans cut it short by breaking the legs of anyone who hadnt died yet so it wouldnt run over into the sabbath. So plausibly anything Jesus said could've been overheard.

The Gospel writers arent pretending to be first-hand, with the possible exception of John (who might be trying to imply he was the "Disciple that Jesus loved" who is the only Apostle that doesnt run away and is present at the crucifixion). But they're historians writing a generation or so later. No one disputes that

Butchers Blind

I would like to think that if heaven existed that it would be like earth but without all the annoying bits.

Norton Canes

Quote from: Video Game Fan 2000 on November 21, 2021, 02:09:10 PMImagine never worrying about having following through. No ear-hair. No dead skin

Almost a day later and no 'John Lennon considers rewrite'?

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Quote from: Cold Meat Platter on November 21, 2021, 09:40:07 PMIn heaven everyone has constant boners and wide-ons and it's no big deal at all.


David Lynch and Peter Ivers consider rewrite.

The Mollusk

Quote from: idunnosomename on November 22, 2021, 12:15:11 PMwell that's only in Luke. Luke tends to have more dramatic, human elements interpolated from an unknown source (or yes, made up to illustrate "greater truths", fine). There were people around the cross the whole time, the Romans cut it short by breaking the legs of anyone who hadnt died yet so it wouldnt run over into the sabbath. So plausibly anything Jesus said could've been overheard.

The Gospel writers arent pretending to be first-hand, with the possible exception of John (who might be trying to imply he was the "Disciple that Jesus loved" who is the only Apostle that doesnt run away and is present at the crucifixion). But they're historians writing a generation or so later. No one disputes that

I love that you know so much about this shite

Jittlebags

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John went to bed with their trousers on.

So there'll be no hanky panky there.