Willy Wonka but he keeps shouting at the Oompa Loompas.

Started by Glebe, November 23, 2021, 10:40:22 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

WILLY WONKA: This is the Chocolate Room. Please feel free to - FOR FUCK'S SAKE MATE BE CAREFUL WITH THAT WHEELBARROW!

OOMPA LOOMPA: Yes, Mr. Wonka sir.

WONKA: Sorry about that. As I was saying, please feel free to sample everything!

VIOLET BEAUREGUARD: You mean everything's edible?!

WONKA: Absolutely everything, my dear! The flowers, the - FUCK ME ARE YOU LOT FINISHED YOUR LUNCH BREAK OR ARE YOU GONNA SIT AROUND ALL DAY?!?

OOMPA LOOMPA: Sorry Mr. Wonka, we'll get back to work. It won't happen again.

shagatha crustie

Mr Wonka: WITHOUT MY PHILANTHROPIC SPIRIT YOU'D STILL BE IN MUD HUTS IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCK-ALL NOWHERE

Cunt child dad: You tell 'em, Wonka!

Sonny_Jim

Attention workers:  I've had a really shit day down at the bookies so one of you is going to have to cheer me up.  Send someone up with 'the device' to my office.  That is all....

frajer

Wonka: WHY HAVE YOU ALL STOPPED SINGING?

Oompa Loompa: I thought that was just when you had guests.

Wonka: 'I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST WHEN YOU HAD GUESTS.' THAT'S YOU, THAT IS. NOW SING.

Glebe

OOMPA LOOMPA: Mr. Wonka, the takeaway called, the driver got lost and it'll be about another five minu-

WONKA: FUUUUUCK!!!!

WHY ARE YOU ALL SO SHIT? I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE MUNCHKINS, AT LEAST THEY COME WITH A COMPLEX SOCIAL SYSTEM ABLE TO ESTABLISH CAUSE OF DEATH.

Sonny_Jim

Why is there a curly green pube on the hand soap in the employee bathroom?



Midas

WHO'S BEEN WATCHING BABESTATION IN THE WONKAVISION ROOM

I WANT A FUCKIN NAME

Midas

WONKA: "they're oompa loompas or summat"

"oompa loompas?"

WONKA: "oh, aye. from loompaland"

"loompaland? there's no such place!"

WONKA: "WHICH ONE OF YOU CUNTS STITCHED ME UP"

WONKA: "YOU. PRICK. WHERE ARE YOU FROM"

"jiddispjacini, ma nitkellimx bl-Ingli┼╝."

WONKA: "eh?"

"mr wonka, i'm a teacher in geography - "

WONKA: "SHUT IT"


Midas

come with me
and you'll be

LICK MY CANE

LICK IT

YOU WORM

LICK MY CANE

in a world of pure imagination

Glebe

WONKA: Charlie, my boy, you did brilliantly! The whole factory is yours, and Grandpa Joe can come and st-FUCKING FUCK WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE?!?

OOMPA LOOMPA: We're cleaning up in here, the bloody roof caved in when that great glass elevator shot up through it. Give us a break mate. Cigs.

Mr Farenheit

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?? HAVE YOU?? (shakes copy of Modern Chocolatier) WELL????
~
WELL???
God, give me STRENGTH!!!
(walking allong line of Ooompa Loompas, emphassing each syllable with a whack in the side of the head from the rolled up magazine) DO - AN - NY- OF - YOU - EV - EN - RRRRREAD - THE - CHOC - O- LATE - PRESS???
~
LOOK AT THE COVER!!! This.... BASTARD AGAIN! (sarcastic tone of voice)"Jan unveils his latest creation- A chocolate powerboat"
THAT'S HIS FOURTH COVER THIS YEAR!!! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WONKA WAS ON THE COVER?? EH??!!
-1970s sir
WE USED TO BE ON THE COVER EVERY OTHER MONTH!! 1978- TEN COVERS WITH WONKA ON IT, NO-ONE'S EVER DONE THAT. And since then...WHAT?? NOTHING!!! NOOOOOOTTTHIIIIINGGGG!
BORING concepts, CRAPPY, CHEAP packaging, SLOPPY PRODUCTION.....YOU USELESS SONS OF BITCHES.... YOU KEEP FUCKIN UP!
LOOK AT HIM! LOOOK! (pushes picture of a grinning Jan into an Oompa Loompa's face) HE'S LAUGHING AT US... AND LOOK AT THAT BOAT, ITS SHIT!- ITS JUST THE HELICHOCTER WITH THE TOP HALF CUT OFF AND A 'PORTHOLE' ON THE SIDE....HOW IS THAT A POWER-BOAT???
WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT LADS, We can do better...... we USED to be better ... we used to be the best... (sobbing) what happened?
what happened to this chocolate factory?

Glebe

"'Helichocter'! That's fucking brilliant! And what do we have?! A fucking 'river' of chocolate! Pull your bloody fingers out!"

"Do you want us to bring this Jan Hansen to the factory and kill him like those unfortunate children, Mr. Wonka?"

"Now you're thinking! Send him a Golden Ticket!"


Glebe

"WHAT IS IT NOW?"

"Sorry Mr. Wonka, just thought I'd bring you up a nice mug of hot choc. There's marshmallows on top and everything. Just thought it'd cheer you up."

"Um... thank you. Look I'm sorry I shouted at you, I just get very stressed running this bizarre factory. Take the rest of the afternoon off, nameless Oompa Loompa."

Sonny_Jim

Hey...  Hey you.  Yes, you!  Come here.  Now, I don't know how they do things back on that little island I plucked you all from, but here in Wonkaland we start working as soon as we come in, OK?  I don't pay you and your little mates to sit around drinking tiny cups of coffee all fucking day.  If I catch you again I'll dock you a days wages. 

Now fuck off, I've got some difficult confectionary mathematics to sort out.  Way above your pay grade mate.  Just keep stirring the chocolate and one day you might work your way up to Executive Guest Rescuer.


EDIT:  Fuck, it's the Health and Safety guy visiting today.  If he asks, you don't know anything about rotund German children stuck in pipes.

Glebe

"His Nibs gave you a rollicking, then?"

"Yeah. He's just in one of his moods. Break out the expressoes lads."


frajer

KNOCK KNOCK

Who's there sir?

ORANGE

Orange who?

ORANGE LITTLE LAZY BASTARDS STOOD AROUND GASSING AFTER THEY'VE CLOCKED IN. MAKE SOME FUCKING CHOCOLATE!

Glebe

"I'll make you some fucking chocolate, mate."

*Oompa Loompa shits into chocolate machine *

Rich Uncle Skeleton

"Ohh great, lads...WANKO written in excrement on the packing room walls again, very fucking original. You're all on the fucking dole tomorrow if that's not cleaned up by the time I'm back from lunch."

Glebe

*Have YOU considered a job in a mysterious chocolate factory? Come and work for Willy Wonka! All applicants must be small and orange. And willing to work without giving back sauce unlike the last lot*

Mr Farenheit

Look at these numbers,boys. LOOK AT THEM! NOBODY IS BUYING WONKA CHOCOLATE!!
(throws sales report on floor, and jumps up and down on it) NOOOOOOBODY!!!
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TO TURN THIS AROUND??
~
JESUS, MARY AND THE CHOCOLATE FUCKING GHOST! SILENCE!!! As per BLOODY USUAL... AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT WANTS TO SEE THIS CHOCOLATE FACTORY SUCCEED????
WELL?? AM I?
~
Give me ideas lads, IDEAS! How are we going to put Wonka back on top?
Well sir, perhaps we could focus on events rather than product...
WHAT???
events sir, its been 40 or 50 years since those children were killed. Water under the bridge now, or chocolate under the bridge you might say-
HAHAHAHA NICE ONE! Bloody hell I remember when this place was full of chocogags like that... ANYWAY! carry on, carry on!
...well, we have fantastic spaces in the factory we don't really use. The hall with the chocolate river for instance- there's room in there to install stands, maybe 5000 people. We could build a small island in the river....
YES??
...build an island in the chocolate river- an octagon shaped island, and we could host UFC events
UNITED FEDERATION OF CHOCOLATIERS?? We were KICKED OUT years ago for consistent food poisoning, you fucking CHOCODUMMY!
no sir- Ultimate Fighting Championship, we could host fights here.... with the octagon as an island in the middle of the chocolate river, its a unique selling point- they could call it The CHOCOGON
Holy shit, that's BRILLIANT!!!.... (punches fist into palm) the CHOCOGON!!!
I FUCKING LOVE IT! Wait until that clown Jan Hansen hears about this one!! What's your name, son?
~
Sorry, I forgot... anwyay... LOOK! THAT'S the kind of PRO-ACTIVE ATTITUDE I want to see around here. WHY AREN'T THE REST OF YOU LOT GIVING ME IDEAS LIKE THIS! CRE-A-TIV-ITY!! THAT'S WHAT WONKA USED TO BE KNOWN FOR. I WANT TO SEE MORE OF THIS FROM NOW ON, NO MORE LOOKING AT YOUR LITTLE CLOGS WHEN I ASK YOU FOR IDEAS. Follow the example of this lad here! OK???
(some mumbled 'ok's and 'yes sir's are heard)
BLOOOOOODY HELL, You could show a bit more enthusiasm. Anyway.... YOU!! the only one here with any fucking gumption- Can you give me a report on this fantastic CHOCOGON idea? Bring it to my office tomorrow before lunch
Well today's my last day sir, if you remember I handed in my notice 3 months ago. Actually its almost 5 o clock now, sir
NGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Elderly Sumo Prophecy