Masterchuff 2022

[Jittlebags]

More amateur pan botherers return tomorrow.

There's a new Audition round, where the contestents get to spunk on prepare a meal off-camera, then serve it hot to the dynamic duo.

[wooders1978]

Not quite sure I understand the "new" format - so basically the contestants haven't got Greg roaming about making small talk as they cook? "Wot gawt ya inta cookin then?" Etc? He just asks when they're finished?

[Gurke and Hare]

That seems to be it, yeah. Oh, there's a disembodied voice telling them when they've got 5 minutes left too.

The standard seems pretty high so far - Pookie and Beardy man are definite contenders. Pookie effortlesssly switching to doing Mediterranean seafood was impressive.

[fatguyrantingredux]

I find Beardy Man a little to smug for my tastes.

[sevendaughters]

OK so the opening spiel in episode 1 where Egg and Kim-Jon Torode serenade our cannon fodder with dreams of serving military twats and guildsmen is clearly not shot in the same space. Felt like the contestants were watching a video of them and the whole thing is so the hosts don't have to be there for nearly as long, nurturing and playing nice with first round losers.

[Twit 2]

I find Beardy Man a little to smug for my tastes.

Yes, way too posh and earnest. Matt Berry comedy voice.  Sink to bottom of Humber, cunt. Great cook, mind.

Love Pookie.

Tom Parker Bowels: When I said "holiday" I was thinking of far-flung places, but yes, I can see your *checks notes* "staycation" idea works." Can't all afford the Maldives, you wilted pillar of shit.

[Gurke and Hare]

Hasselback potatoes making an early bid as this series' main character.

[sevendaughters]

Hasselback potatoes making an early bid as this series' main character.

lotta cod, we got a cod-off

[Jittlebags]

Hasselback potatoes making an early bid as this series' main character.

Pah - using two wooden spoons as a jig. Where's the skill in that?

[Poobum]

Been watching Great British Menu and a lot of "retired" dairy cow turning up, a ridiculous and self conscious euphemism. Wonder if it might turn up on here.

[Icehaven]

Hasselback potatoes making an early bid as this series' main character.

Absolutely, then had to laugh when they were completely absent for Grace Dent's dedicated potato round.

[Icehaven]

I've only watched The Professionals series in recent years so I may be misremembering but I'm sure the early stages of the amateur version used to involve more normal (albeit very good) home style cooking rather than fancy restaurant food. Now there seems to be an expectation that they should be producing restaurant style dishes immediately and they all talk about having "practiced" dishes on their families rather than it just being what they'd usually cook, points are given for fine dining level presentation and the contestants use chef lingo, "plating up", "service" etc. right from the start. It's probably something to do with all involved hoping it'll be a launchpad for the next celeb chef and the general increase in the notion that food has to photograph well, but it means you don't get anyone making a really great spag bol or roast chicken anymore. Misses the point in it being different to the Professionals really. 

[sevendaughters]

especially when Great Brit Menu is basically a vehicle for ex Professionals contestants to tit about some more. I think they're a bit too in love with the idea of craftsmanship and visual flair to be honest. I'm more about skills tests and stuff from scratch, day to day chef shit.

[gilbertharding]

Haven't watched any of this, so...

But has anyone seen any of Marcus Wareing's Pretend Farm with Marcus Wareing?

It is absolutely ridonkulous. You're not only supposed to believe that he has a farm (all the while he's telling you that he's been a chef for the last 30 years, and never been in the least curious about ingredients and their provenance - in spite of this having been about all you ever hear chefs talk about), but that he has a load of friends who come around and sit on a rug in his garden and eat his salads he's just made (lots of TV cooks do this - Nigella's pretend friends are legendary). And all the cooking he does is done outside, in a sort of outdoor kitchen which he definitely has in real life.

He does kind of concede that someone else does 98% of the farming/gardening for him, but he does pretend to do some of it.

Execrable is what it is.

[Icehaven]

(lots of TV cooks do this - Nigella's pretend friends are legendary).

And that series she filmed at "her" house which turned out to not be her house at all.

[beanheadmcginty]

He does kind of concede that someone else does 98% of the farming/gardening for him, but he does pretend to do some of it.

I bet he does all the animal slaughter himself. With his bare hands.

[gilbertharding]

And that series she filmed at "her" house which turned out to not be her house at all.

I also heard that she's never heard any of that 60s soul instrumental music which cranks into action at regular intervals.

[beanheadmcginty]

We'll finally know that the UK has truly turned a corner when Tom Parker Bowles sets a cookery challenge on Masterchef and every single contestant serves him up a bowl of some sort of locally-sourced fast acting poison.

[Jittlebags]

Aye. Or a big dollop of Winner's Sauce.

[beanheadmcginty]

Spuddy nuts? Is that what I just heard?

[Twit 2]

Yep. To be fair, they worked. I find the contestant intensely annoying. Manic pixie dream girl would be the term, I suppose?

As for the quality level, there are plenty of mediocre "I cooked this 3 things on a plate ersatz shite for my gullible family and they lapped it up cos they are biased, so here I am fucking up the basics for you because I'm fundamentally crap" failures in the mix. (This will be me if I ever similarly cave to my wife's "You should go on Masterchef!" entreaties.)

[Neomod]

And that series she filmed at "her" house which turned out to not be her house at all.

You'll be telling us next Rachel's little kitchen wasn't even in Paris at all.

[beanheadmcginty]

Michaela's voice was really testing me, so pretty glad she's out.

[bgmnts]

Does anyone play the "guess which pretentious cooking technique they'll use" or the "guess which weird ingredient/foodstuff will be in vogue" game?

It's usually one of sous vide or tuile or saffron or something.

[colacentral]

Gregg Wallace is an even bigger cunt this series than usual.

He has a palette of an overgrown baby. This dickhead serves a dry rice ball but nom nom it's got a mango puree, the flavour of pure sickly sweet sugar, the flavour of a cheap ice lolly, so I want to put him through John.

John Torode and Jay Rayner both loved that tamarind soup with the rice balls in. Not impressing Gregg though. I wonder why. Oh yeah, no dead pig in it.

The vegan woman was shite and would have gone out eventually anyway but you notice any time there's a vegan on there, Wallace is unenthused and can't wait to get them out. Big baby needs his meat and sweets. His palette is fucked.

Also for some reason he's putting the contestants down more. In all of these rounds where a critic sets a challenge and they get shown around to each of the contestants, Wallace is there to embarrass them. "This is Steve. Fair to say you've always got an error in you, isn't it Steve?" Are they pushing the meanness so it sells better to an American audience or is Gregg going through another divorce?

[Icehaven]

Oh god Faroukh and his dancing and his hipster-from-at-least-5-years-ago Dali moustache are driving me mad already, I hope he sets fire to his beard in the next one.

[Blue Jam]

Strong ringer vibe from Amadeo

[Blue Jam]

Dru Masters patently ripping off The Sugarhill Gang on this soundtrack

[Blue Jam]

Farokh committing triple denim here, brave.

[Icehaven]

He's almost putting me off watching now, either he's one of those "always on" people or he's just hyper aware of the cameras, but it's a shame as some of his food seems to be amazing.