Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 28, 2024, 11:11:08 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Cutting a toxic person from your life thread # 7563

Started by Twit 2, May 07, 2022, 04:18:54 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

madhair60


Jockice


JaDanketies

Nazi deadbeat dad former friend messaged me today (we've been DMing) to tell me that he was found unconscious and coughing up blood this morning. He's like 34 or something but he started smoking at 11 and has already been diagnosed with COPD. Doctors are now testing him for lung cancer.

What a fucking waste of life. His kids will have no chance of developing a relationship with him if he gets terminal cancer. Decades of his life taken off him because of cigarettes. I think that drugs should be legal, but if someone dealt him heroin and it killed him at 34, they'd get beaten up by his friends and family. But the director of Philip Morris International sits comfortably.

Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth

Quote from: Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth on May 11, 2022, 07:37:10 PMsome friends of mine continue to see and support a very mentally ill individual, despite him putting them through way worse than a slapped face. He terrorised one of them into a nervous breakdown a few years ago*. They allowed him back into their lives afterwards and he still flew into a rage, because they had the nerve to impose some boundaries.

*I made a thread about it on here at the time and got upbraided for not being sympathetic enough to the abuser. That still pisses me off to this day. I'm as liberal as you like, but any suggestion that mental illness excuses abusive behaviour can fuck all the way off.
This has all kicked off again and it sounds like this time might be the final straw. The mentally ill individual, "Bernard", had a massive moodswing and told my friend, "Jane", that he wants to hurt the family that he's lodging with (don't start with the statistics - he's assaulted someone before, so these threats are credible). Jane, obviously, had to inform the relevant authorities, which has resulted in him being evicted from the house and her earning his venom. Being a good person, Jane feels terrible about it and is worried that Bernard could end up homeless as a result. Then again, he seems to get plenty of benefit money, enough to afford every console and game anyone could ever want - and, no, I'm not saying that's any substitute for a working mind, but just think about all the good that money could have done for someone else.

Him burning his bridges with the family he was lodging with couldn't have come at a worse time. For very good reasons, Jane and her husband simply cannot have Bernard in their lives to the extent that they previously have. It's only going to stoke his anger, but they have no choice. They've done more for him than anyone else ever has and got nothing in return but misery.

On a selfish note, I'm dreading that Bernard might come to me for support, as he did the last time they had a bustup. I don't think he has any real friends. He has a mental health support group, but he frequently stops attending it, for one reason or another. If he wants to rant about my friends, he will not find a sympathetic ear, but I'm not sure I have it in me to tell him to go fuck himself. Even though his behaviour is intolerable, I know it's not his fault (any more than San Andreas is California's). It's a tragic situation but, short of some miracle cure, I don't think there's any hope he'll ever really improve. I'd rather just have nothing more to do with him.

And if anyone is thinking of tutting at me over this post, you can shove it up your arse. I've seen very clearly mentally ill people hounded off here for far less than he's done.

TrenterPercenter

Quote from: Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth on November 25, 2022, 06:13:38 PMAnd if anyone is thinking of tutting at me over this post, you can shove it up your arse. I've seen very clearly mentally ill people hounded off here for far less than he's done.

fwiw violent, abusive behaviour is never acceptable and mental health should never be considered an excuse.  I do think we have to be careful in approaching the issue due to the stigma surrounding MH but it's such a difficult area.

I have a lot of sympathy for you a friend of mine me and my friend have been supporting for 20 years became really nasty and horrible to us a few years ago, completely paranoid and unwell, accused me of stealing a ring from his house and messing with this water pipes (through the power of my mind), then it turned to nastier things, like trying his hand at blackmailing me and said friend, then he started talking about my friends kids - this was played out constantly via abusive messages 10-20 a night, 2am-4am you probably know the drill.  It's sad but we just had to block him on everything (he even the took to writing letters).

It's really draining as I'm sure you'll know - it's something for professionals to deal with if you are in anyway close then it just becomes impossible and you can end up feeding their illness (there is a lot of animosity that is held between peers, especially if one person gets ill and see other people getting on with their live - hence why he started going for my friends kids).

I feel terrible about cutting this lad out my life but I'm just not able to help at the moment. Anyway sending good vibes - its horrible.

Crenners

I had a good mate in China. Mad, refused to follow lots of advice or help from our friendship group but loved to seek it. I felt for him, almost every decision he made was detrimental to his or someone else's life, but I still kept up the friendship and we had some great times along the way, just always right on the mad edge.

The day he threatened to throw a boiling kettle in my face because I didn't remember where Paco Peña came from was the moment I cut him off. There's always a cut-off point so don't beat yourself up.

JaDanketies

Seeing this thread bumped just inspired me to block some guy who just messaged me with some unhinged rant about my brother, who he similarly hasn't seen for several years. He was fun enough in college, but he's 36 now and he's been a minor negative in my life for well over a decade. Here's a Facebook political page he runs and here's the same political page on Twitter if you wanna see a big bellend.

Fuckin sick of ya mate, fuck off, hopefully this will be one of the last times I think about him

Kankurette

Getting rid of Facebook was one of the best things I've ever done in terms of mental health. It did mean losing a lot of friends and having no social life in return, but swings and roundabouts.

JaDanketies

Quote from: Kankurette on November 25, 2022, 08:13:27 PMGetting rid of Facebook was one of the best things I've ever done in terms of mental health. It did mean losing a lot of friends and having no social life in return, but swings and roundabouts.

Nobody uses it any more other than my business contacts anyway. Whenever I hear 'ping' it's either someone messaging me some work they want me to do, or this arsehole ranting about how he's better than everyone. Not had a Facebook message from a social acquaintance for aaages

JaDanketies

I knew a guy who had a pretty serious drug problem. He once was put in jail for stealing from a charity shop for crack and heroin money, and he threw a chair through my living room window, smashed my phone, broke one of my saucers, and self-harmed with the pieces while having a bad time on acid.  Despite all that I always had some time for him and I always wanted what was best for him.

Anyway just learned he's died. 34 years old. Hug your toxic friends.  Don't know what happened, overdose is most likely, suicide also makes the top three.

jamiefairlie

Quote from: Kankurette on November 25, 2022, 08:13:27 PMGetting rid of Facebook was one of the best things I've ever done in terms of mental health. It did mean losing a lot of friends and having no social life in return, but swings and roundabouts.

Nah, that's all swings right there.

canadagoose

It can be true that you can feel sorry for someone and also that you need to get them out of your life ASAP. Their dysfunction isn't your responsibility to put up with.

JaDanketies

So Ste dying made me think of my other Nazi former friend who is also certainly going to die at a young age. Went to message him on Instagram, looks like he's deleted it but his bio is just a load of gross misogyny

Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth

Pretty much the exact situation I was dreading occurred the other night: Bernard rang, tearfully asking me to contact Jane for him, as she "wouldn't" pick up the phone (I've no idea if she was ignoring him, but I doubt it, considering how guilty she's been feeling about this whole thing since it began). I had half a mind not to and leave Jane in peace, but he sounded obviously distraught and I don't think either I nor she could bear the sense of guilt if he did anything drastic - and there lies the rub. Apparently he'd walked out into the night by himself and told her that he wanted to kill himself, so off went Jane and her husband (because she was afraid to be around Bernard alone) to pick him up.

To be honest, I have a strong suspicion that he was just using the threat of suicide to reassert control over Jane. Guilt tripping her into being at his beck and call again. Whether or not his actions were calculated is beside the point, I think. The point is that he can do this whenever it suits him and we can't do anything other than to risk calling his bluff.

Quote from: TrenterPercenter on November 25, 2022, 06:34:23 PMIt's really draining as I'm sure you'll know - it's something for professionals to deal with if you are in anyway close then it just becomes impossible and you can end up feeding their illness (there is a lot of animosity that is held between peers, especially if one person gets ill and see other people getting on with their live - hence why he started going for my friends kids).
I think this is very much at the heart of the issue. After a very long and emotionally arduous process, Jane and her husband might finally be getting close to having children and Bernard clearly resents this.

It's fucked basically. Jane cannot go on trying to make Bernard's life perfect (and being screamed at when her efforts fall short) and Bernard won't let her go.

Mr_Simnock

cut him out your life altogether or be his slave till he dies

Famous Mortimer


Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth

The question is, how to do that without him flying off the handle? I don't think he has the emotional intelligence to know that he's bringing it on himself.

Catalogue Trousers


earl_sleek

Quote from: Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth on December 07, 2022, 01:00:10 AMThe question is, how to do that without him flying off the handle? I don't think he has the emotional intelligence to know that he's bringing it on himself.

Neither you, nor anyone else are responsible for his actions or inactions. You have every right to live your own lives and protect yourselves from his bullshit. If he does something silly in response to you or someone else wanting nothing to do with him, that's entirely his responsibility.

I know it's easy for me as an uninvolved person to say that, and much harder to do, but as long as you allow him to manipulate you he will always do so.

QDRPHNC

Quote from: Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth on December 07, 2022, 01:00:10 AMThe question is, how to do that without him flying off the handle? I don't think he has the emotional intelligence to know that he's bringing it on himself.

He's not your responsibility. Another way of looking at it is, how will he learn anything if he keeps getting his way when he acts like this? All he's learning is that his behaviour works.

Ferris

As I've got older and more comfortable with myself, I've developed a BAMO mentality. If you're a dick; Block And Move On. Life's too short and I'm not doing you any favours by pretending we're gonna be mates so I'll exit the conversation with minimal fuss and we can all go about our business.

I was at a drinks thing last week with some friends of friends and the guy I ended up next to gave me weird vibes. I gave him three conversational chances, he flubbed them all pretty massively, I said "I think I'm going to sit by someone else now, cheers" and did so.

Sat in a corner with some mates at the other end of a very long table and had a right old time into the early hours. Matey stopped and considered his actions, and he's under no illusion that we're friends or will ever hang out again. I've saved us all some time, forced some introspection out of that guy, and had a nice time at a bar all with one fell swoop.

Very easy for me to say and obviously not that useful or someone has already inveigled their way into your life, but it's a winning tactic for the future to stop any more of them getting in.

imitationleather

Quote from: Ferris on December 07, 2022, 01:38:36 PMI was at a drinks thing last week with some friends of friends and the guy I ended up next to gave me weird vibes. I gave him three conversational chances, he flubbed them all pretty massively, I said "I think I'm going to sit by someone else now, cheers" and did so.

Interesting. I must remember that tactic in case we ever meet.

Ferris

Quote from: imitationleather on December 07, 2022, 03:46:48 PMInteresting. I must remember that tactic in case we ever meet.

I mean, the strike-three attempt at conversation with me was a cheerfully deliverered: "so Ferris, what's the closest you've ever come to killing someone? because one time..." He went on to give a pretty gruesome description of an industrial accident he was (accidentally? intentionally?) partly responsible for. It was needlessly graphic and I just thought "nah this fella's not for me".

I suppose I could provoke a similar level of nausea and disgust if I talked about the sabermetric defensive strengths of UZR (across a whole season) for middle infielders vs yer more traditional DRS. Just say the word.

madhair60

the closest i've ever come to killing someone is reading that fucking shit

shiftwork2


TrenterPercenter

Think the BAMO approach is fine as long as you are being responsible with your thresholds.  Known folk gone down this route only to become quite addicted to removing people and then anyone challenging them, it can be quite a self-serving approach if you are not careful.

I don't really know what the answer is here though I guess as usual it just comes down to "don't be a dick" all round.

Twit 2

I love cutting people out of my life. Done my parents, done mate from OP. Nearly did another friend recently who was being unnecessarily aggressive and argumentative. Who's next? Could it be you?!

Ideally, I just want to be on my own in a field, nobody fucking me about. The people I most want to hang with luckily seem to enjoy being outside with me in fields, so things are looking good.

QuoteI built my house
in a forest far
from the venal roar.

Somebody please
beat a path
to my door.

Mr_Simnock

Quote from: Twit 2 on December 07, 2022, 07:53:29 PMI love cutting people out of my life. Done my parents, done mate from OP. Nearly did another friend recently who was being unnecessarily aggressive and argumentative. Who's next? Could it be you?!

Ideally, I just want to be on my own in a field, nobody fucking me about. The people I most want to hang with luckily seem to enjoy being outside with me in fields, so things are looking good.


the amount of people I hear say things along these lines,  it's quite surprising, especially in the last 10 years

Vodkafone

Quote from: Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth on December 06, 2022, 08:04:08 PMPretty much the exact situation I was dreading occurred the other night: Bernard rang, tearfully asking me to contact Jane for him, as she "wouldn't" pick up the phone (I've no idea if she was ignoring him, but I doubt it, considering how guilty she's been feeling about this whole thing since it began). I had half a mind not to and leave Jane in peace, but he sounded obviously distraught and I don't think either I nor she could bear the sense of guilt if he did anything drastic - and there lies the rub. Apparently he'd walked out into the night by himself and told her that he wanted to kill himself, so off went Jane and her husband (because she was afraid to be around Bernard alone) to pick him up.

To be honest, I have a strong suspicion that he was just using the threat of suicide to reassert control over Jane. Guilt tripping her into being at his beck and call again. Whether or not his actions were calculated is beside the point, I think. The point is that he can do this whenever it suits him and we can't do anything other than to risk calling his bluff.
I think this is very much at the heart of the issue. After a very long and emotionally arduous process, Jane and her husband might finally be getting close to having children and Bernard clearly resents this.

It's fucked basically. Jane cannot go on trying to make Bernard's life perfect (and being screamed at when her efforts fall short) and Bernard won't let her go.

I'm being entirely serious when I say "If you and Jane started putting some boundaries in place for your own well-being and then Bernard did kill himself (as unlikely as that sounds from the limited information available)? - so what?"

You'd probably feel very bad for a bit. Then you'd feel less bad, and after a while you'd feel only a little bit bad and then you'd largely forget about him as you got on with your lives. And none of it would be your fault anyway, because it's Bernard's choice.

Ham Bap

I cut out a toxic friend of 18 years, some years ago.
After years of flakiness and gaslighting there was a turning point when i was at my brothers wedding and all his friends travelled miles to be there, my 'friend' didnt turn up for mine, I thought 'nah, not for me mate'.

There would be many missed meet-ups in the pub, arranging a day off work, babysitter, getting the pub and another no show.
You can take this behaviour in your teens, when you're in your 30s its a no from me.

Times when he did manage to meet up he'd turn up with not much money then expect beer to be given his way. Other unsavoury things I learned about his behaviour too.
I just did the old BAMO and that was that.

I always wonder what people like this must think.
Their behaviour has never really changed but it was me who changed when I decided 'nah, not for me mate'.
They must feel slighted and wronged as in their eyes they havent done anything wromg, they're just acting as they always have done.

I do approve of the BAMO approach. It can be severe and sad to do, you can have a lot of history with some people but life is short.