Lanyards

[Buelligan]

I love a lanyard. When I worked in Waterstones we used to wear a little black 'W' on a chain and it made me very happy, like I was a book cop. I used to fantasise about doing bookseller arrests on people in the shop who were just there to muck about.

Like you could book them.

[idunnosomename]

Or throw the book at them

[idunnosomename]

In this Waterstones we do things BY THE BOOK

[Dex Sawash]

I wear around my neck a sort of eggy torte/dutch baby thing topped with fruit(s) but never cherries* it is a

Spoiler alert

FLAUGNARDE


*cherries would make it a clafoutis which would spoil this shitpost completely

[close]

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

assuming a thing people do out of convenience/laziness is a brag is it mate

Yeah this basically. Twatty as it may be, having it round my neck is convenient and lazy and therefore correct. It also means I will take it off and shove it in my backpack once I get home, rather than keep it tucked away in my trouser pocket and then forget about it and then leave it at home accidentally due to wearing a different pair of trousers the following day. Ever since the strap on mine broke and I've been carrying the little plastic bit around by itself I've found myself doing the walk of shame to reception for a temporary pass quite a lot.

Although there is something a bit less knobby about the temporary pass. Feels more like being a tourist in corporate cunt country than one of it's citizens

[Cleveland Steamer]

I'm only messing around lads. Lad yards. Wear your lanyards as you please. Lord knows, I do.

[Maureen Brontë]

Taken shortly after Carrie had brained him with a frying pan for spilling red wine on the sofa.

[Shaxberd]

itt: the non lanyarded elite look down on us peons whose employers prohibit us from strolling around the workplace at will


Also Boris Johnson being such a cunt even a hat wants to get away from him

[lauraxsynthesis]

Gets in the way. I prefer one of those automatic wind in things and I'd wear it on a beltloop.

I had a colleague who was such an LGBTQ ally that she's not only wear the rainbow one but also various pride badges all over it. She wasn't looking for a boyfriend though so right on, I guess. A gay colleague waited until we were at the pub and he'd had a few before he asked her whether she actually was in the gays.

[Cleveland Steamer]

I used to have a key to a special room with all money in it on an extendable string like those dog leads you see. Now THAT was special (until I got a verbal warning for losing it and was thereafter banned from being in charge of the money cupboard).

[SpiderChrist]

I do have a lanyard. Mainly keep it in my pocket and just surreptitiously BLIP it when I need to get in somewhere.

Same. My workplace actually tells staff not to wear their lanyard outside of the office, but loads of folk do - I guess some people are proud of where they work, the fucking weirdos.

[Underturd]

I keep old lanyards so I'll never forget.

[dissolute ocelot]

Skaters and security guards wear keychains and office twats wear lanyards. Everyone else carries their possessions in a normal way.

I'm sure it's much more convenient to never take it off so that you never lose it or forget it or wonder which pocket it's in, but if a lanyard is so great why don't you hang all your possessions round your neck?

The Scottish parliament recently banned rainbow lanyards. So I guess you might want to wear one in solidarity but instead of a nametag just put a little card saying "Haggis is shit!"

[Captain Z]

Gets in the way. I prefer one of those automatic wind in things and I'd wear it on a beltloop.

I've recently become a lanyard cunt after years of using one of those. It broke and I went to replace it but the replacements were a much flimsier brand, and I went through 3 in quick succession. So I don't like it, but I've got to go along with it.

I've already forgotten it once, and that day I discovered my department no longer has any temporary ones for such an occasion. I had no choice but to just... go home. I could no longer do my job due to the number of doors I need to access and the fact it was a quiet day with not enough people around to let me in and out. So taking it off simply isn't an option.

[Icehaven]

I was thinking about lanyardism the other day as I was in a meeting with 10 other people at work and I suddenly realised I was the only person not wearing a lanyard (really interesting meeting it was.) We do have ID cards which we have to show to get in and out of the building* but there's no need to wear them around your neck all day, in fact I'm quite sure we were told at induction that it's generally not a good idea to wear anything like that in our workplace if you can help it in case a prisoner decides to grab it, but tbf that doesn't actually happen very often and they've got those plastic breakpoints in them as well but I'm not sure I'd trust them entirely. I couldn't wear one anyway as it'd piss me right off dangling in the way all day, and if we had to wear one for some reason I'd be ripping it off as soon as I got out the door.
I'm with the OP on this, it's often performative "look I've got a job I'm important" behaviour which should be looked down upon. Strangers will just have to guess if I'm employed or not.


*Although security tests have been done with people holding up cards with smiley faces drawn on them instead of real ID cards and they were still let in and out, so it's not a perfect system.

[superthunderstingcar]

I love my lanyard. It tells other people who I am so I don't have to. But even more importantly it tells me who I am.

Also it has a photo of me taken years ago when I was young and handsome younger.

[shiftwork2]

The great thing about lanyards in the NHS is that nobody ever washes them.  All those years getting health workers to stop wearing ties crawling with bugs and now they wear lanyards that look like they've seen 50 shifts in a kebab shop.

[Buelligan]

Damn right my lanyard's better than yours
It brings all the boys to my milkshake.

There, I've said it.

[Uncle TechTip]

I recently became a #lanyardwanker and to pile indignity on indignity all the sensors on the doors are slightly too low meaning I have to do a little stoop every time.

That's what the quick release is for. Yank it, offer it, fiddle with the clasp and put it over your head again.

[Incy Wincy Mincey]

As I'm sure you were wondering, the current current world record for lanyards in a single collection is 3,260.

Craig added: "It's very exhausting to go for a world record, so my advice would be, have that passion and commitment."

When I did customer service for Sainsbury's we got contacted by a similar crazed collector begging for a Sainsbo's one to add to his collection (was told to get tae, impersonating a JS employee is no trivial matter). Can't remember if it was this guy or not though.

[Cuellar]

That's what the quick release is for. Yank it, offer it, fiddle with the clasp and put it over your head again.

I could do that, and indeed I have done that only to forget to put it back round my neck meaning I got locked out of the office after going to the toilet.

Never again. It stays round my neck.

[Buelligan]

Just go toilet in the office like a normal person, you freak.  With your precious fucking unhygienic lanyard.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

No feeling more lonely and powerless than forgetting to lift your lanyard from the desk before going through a door. The power imbalance has shifted decisively in favour of those within the inner sanctum and you're at their mercy, rapping feebly on a glass door, begging to be let back in. Is it worse when the person who lets you back in gives you a rueful shake of the head and smiles - what are you like, eh? - or if they scowl and let you know that they're absolutely fucking scunnered by having to get up off their fat arse for a nanosecond to let you in?

The more I think of it the lanyard breeds complacency and laziness. Why not replace all those beeping security entrance things with a good old-fashioned combination locks? It's not unreasonable to expect your employees to be able to memorise maybe a couple of dozen four-number codes and it keeps your mind sharp. Breaking the combination gives you that feeling of satisfaction, although maybe it would also give you that feeling of guilt about the time you stole that Raleigh Grifter back in '93.

Absolutely no idea what the fuck I'm going on about now.

[Gurke and Hare]

Back in the early days of lanyards I came up with Lanyard Class as a description of a polling demographic similar to Motorway Man or something like that.  But I rejected it because it was rubbish.

And also because, not being a polling organisation, you had no use for it?

Is it worse when the person who lets you back in gives you a rueful shake of the head and smiles - what are you like, eh? - or if they scowl and let you know that they're absolutely fucking scunnered by having to get up off their fat arse for a nanosecond to let you in?

Worse than either of those is when they do the comedy "No, I don't know you, do you really work here?? I can't let just anyone in, and certainly not anyone without a lanyard." bit.

The more I think of it the lanyard breeds complacency and laziness. Why not replace all those beeping security entrance things with a good old-fashioned combination locks?

I used to work somewhere with a code lock on the door, and the code was 1066 which is a bit shit security wise.

[Bartholomew J Krishna]

Thankfully, no lanyards for me.
My employer has had me chipped.

[Jack Shaftoe]

Like you could book them.

Or throw the book at them

In this Waterstones we do things BY THE BOOK

Can't believe none of those ever occurred to me AND I did once physically evict a Spanish man from the shop for threatening behaviour towards a female colleague, I could have said ALL of them, what a wasted opportunity. :(

[Cleveland Steamer]

I did once physically evict a Spanish man from the shop for threatening behaviour towards a female colleague

You should have slapped the Spaniard with your lanyard.

[Dex Sawash]

Dead man singing hallelujah on a string around my neck

Spoiler alert

LANYARD COHEN

[close]

[gilbertharding]

Not lanyards, so... you know... [split topic] if you like, but I remember, as a 10 year old, being impressed by 'M' all wearing those clip-on laminated ID cards whenever and wherever they appeared to promote their hit single Pop Muzik.

Before these things became commonplace, they seemed exotic.

[Jack Shaftoe]

You should have slapped the Spaniard with your lanyard.

Where WERE you people in 2005 when I could have used this stuff?