LEGEND GARY

[Raging Falco]

Legend Gary steps just past the entrance to the local mosque and screeches "Oi lads, givvus a curry!" before scuttling back onto the high street.

FUCKED IT. BACK OF THE NET.

[Beagle 2]

Legend Gary puts a turd in a snowball and hoys it at a traffic warden. It hits a pregnant woman and bystanders demonstrate concern. Fuck me he thought he would literally never stop laughing.

[madhair60]

2061.

A stranger clothed in rags battles against the raging sandstorm.  He has been walking for years, his skin mottled and body scarred by the effort.  He coughs - chokes on blood.  Not long left now.  Then he sees it.  A tent of sorts, fashioned from beer mats... a relic from before.

He carefully pushes aside a promotional Carling Premiership poster and peers into the decrepit hovel.  A figure sits cross-legged, facing the floor, apparently in a state of intense concentration.  He appears to be repeating the same two words feverishly, some sort of mantra.

"Cheeky Nandos... cheeky Nandos... cheeky Nandos..."

The stranger takes a step forward.

"You're him, aren't you?"

The mantra stops, and the figure looks up, disdain in his eyes.

"You're Legend Gary."

Gary allows himself a brief smirk, a wistful glance to the side.  He takes in the sight of a stained Fosters mat.

"Used to be".

The stranger's lip wobbles slightly, powerfully emotional.  He steels himself and reaches into his ragged clothing, removing a small, folded photograph, heavily crushed, creased, worn and faded.  This has come far, and for this moment.  He extends his hand, the memory clasped within.

"Take it" he implores.  "Take it, Legend Gary."

It is swatted aside, and the once-placid figure leaps up with a roar of anger.  The intense, burning sun of this New Earth bursts through a gap between a Tuborg and Jeremiah Weed mat, illuminating his "I'm Not Insane... That's Just What The Voices Tell Me!" T-shirt.

"It's Gary!"  he cries, "I'm just Gary now.  Go!  Go before..."

He crumples to the ground, weak.  The stranger has come too far to fail.  He scoops up the photograph, turns it, and thrusts it towards Gary's face.

"Look at it!  Look at it, and remember who you are."

Gary looks up, tears flooding his eyes, and the image begins to come into focus, intense memories surfacing.

Legend Gary.  Before.  Dipping his dick in the mouth of a sleeping Shitty Andy.  Laughing, giving a thumbs up to the photographer -- the stranger who now removes his hood and smiles.  Pubes Daz.  Gary's eyes meet his, and he speaks, hushed, reverent.

"I'm... I'm Legend Gary."

Pubes Daz, flushed with pride, nods.

"You never stopped."

Gary leaps to his feet and roughly flings his arms around Pubes Daz, bringing him in close.

"Bro hug mate.  You fuckin' cunt.  Hahaha.  No homo!"

"No homo!  Hahah!  Legend Gary!"

Legend Gary holds Pubes Daz in a tight embrace.  It's been so long.  Pubes Daz closes his eyes.  His nostrils twitch, and he recoils, disgusted, but laughing.

"Hahahaha!  Mate!  Awwwwww, mate!  That is fuckin' honkin'!"

Legend Gary smiles.

I Am Legend Gary

[Steven]

*wipes tears from cheeks*

Fuckin' Cambridge education for you..

[BlodwynPig]

Legend Gary is revealed to be Neckbeard Trevor, a reclusive internet junky who goes by the nickname madhair60 on a much maligned comedy forum.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary doesn't get this UNILAD status update about a brave leukaemia sufferer.

'Lol what wheres the joke', he posts.

[Beagle 2]

Last Movember Legend Gary raised over a hundred quid but just wrote "HAIR" on his top lip in marker pen and donated the money to ISIS.

[madhair60]

Legend Gary bags himself a Guinness World Record for "Most shitted pair of pants".

[Entropy Balsmalch]

Legend Gary ate five breakfasts on his mate's stag do.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Legend Gary, pouring antifreeze in his mate's WKD.

Legend Gary, banging the side of the Gorilla enclosure.

Legend Gary, pooing into a condom.

[Steven]

Legend Gary twitpics a selfie of him pissing onto the spot on a railway bridge where Jamie Bulger's mangled remains were found while giving the thumbs up, he gets several re-tweets and three likes.

[Blinder Data]

Legend Gary regrets 'kicking the fuck out of his spazzy dog'.

[thraxx]

LEGEND GARY can't wait for the Grimsby film to come out. He had to cunt Lairy Alan in cront of the others because he didn't agree fawningly that it will be fucking classest film since Police Academy 7. Fucking northern monkeys.

[madhair60]

Legend Gary has his cock out on a roundabout, pissing.

[finnquark]

Lads stroll past Chicken Cottage, sign now defaced to read C__ck__ _______.

In unison: "Legend Gary".

Is that a Chicken Rush? Or a cottage, I can't remember.

[Steven]

Legend Gary posts a Facebook invite to his `Crank Party', where he will put on Crank 1 & 2 starring Jason Statham and drink loads of lager and sniff loads of coke, only Pubes Daz turns up but he still has a great time as they're such good mates.

[finnquark]

Legend Gary vigorously argues against the Schengen Agreement because Robert Pires introduced diving to English football.

[madhair60]

Is that a Chicken Rush? Or a cottage, I can't remember.

Of all the things I thought I'd get away with ripping out of real life!  It's a Chicken Rush.

[BlodwynPig]

Legend Gary drops the g

[finnquark]

Of all the things I thought I'd get away with ripping out of real life!  It's a Chicken Rush.

I work nearby and have proudly never used it, nor it's sister store down Mill Rd.[nb]Chicken Rush Extraaaaaa[/nb]

[Entropy Balsmalch]

Legend Gary has a T-Shirt with explicit lesbian porn on it which says "This is what a feminist LICKS like!"

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Legend Gary and his mates, playing hedgehog cricket at 3am.

Legend Gary, pulling off Slaphead Tommy's cap and throwing it at some college girls.

Legend Gary knows a cracking pakki joke.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary shows his belly at a cricket match

The crowd turn


LEGEND Gary

[Hangthebuggers]

Legend Gary, stinking of alcohol, punches a Game store employee for having sold out of Xbox's around 3.50pm Christmas eve. He tells the prone employee that that he's ruined his daughter's Christmas. Legend Gary goes back to the pub, livid.

[Vodka Margarine]

Legend Gary supports Man United

Legend Gary supports Chelsea

Legend Gary supports Man City

Legend Gary supports Arsenal

Legend Gary supports Leicester

Legend Gary WINS

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Legend Gary hasn't won on any scratchcard

But he bought six of them

[Steven]

Legend Gary shaves his own pubes off and puts them in a cheese and pickle sandwich 'for a laugh' which he serves to Daz at a small social gathering to watch a Lee Nelson's Well Good Show marathon. He bites into it then pulls a grimaced face and starts spitting. Legend Gary is laughing like a drain, everyone else follows. "It's my pubes, I put my pubes in it, Daz!"

Henceforth he is christened `Pubes Daz' by all those in attendance and the environs of which they inhabit.

[BlodwynPig]

LEGEND Gary still dons his Jimmy Saville costume for the annual Leiston charity pub crawl

[Vodka Margarine]

Legend Gary's stag:

Legend Gary
Pubes Daz
Chips Greg
Gav the Taff
Bumboy Jake
Random Sam
Slaphead Tommy
Lairy Alan
Fartbox
Lager Steve
Darren 'Elvis' Mercer
Science out of Big Brother 6
Bestiality Chris
Mental John

[madhair60]

Legend Gary shouts that someone glowering at his obnoxious child is a "fucking paedophile".