Bond on a budget

[Mr Farenheit]

I've looked this cunt up on wikipedia now (because I thought he went to Fettes college and I was eager to be a pedant re: @Mr Fahrenheit's post.

Turns out he was born in 1920, smoked 60 a day, drove a Saab 900 in the '80s and is based on this chap:



The ultimate bond on a budget is bond himself. Looks like he euthanizes whippets on the cheap.

According to wikipedia he (fictional Bond) went to Eton (where he was kicked out for sexual assault) AND Fettes.

Meanwhile... Bond is instructed by Q to break into the Belgian Embassy  and 'steal something valuable' in order to raise funds for cash-strapped MI6.
-That's some pretty tight security, Q. Can't I just shoplift from HMV?

[gilbertharding]

I've looked this cunt up on wikipedia now (because I thought he went to Fettes college and I was eager to be a pedant re: @Mr Fahrenheit's post.

Turns out he was born in 1920, smoked 60 a day, drove a Saab 900 in the '80s and is based on this chap:



The ultimate bond on a budget is bond himself. Looks like he euthanizes whippets on the cheap.

James Bond did drive a Saab, in the novel Colonel Sun, by Kingsley Amis (a book with one of the worst covers ever published, by the way)

[Glebe]

Meanwhile... Bond is instructed by Q to break into the Belgian Embassy  and 'steal something valuable' in order to raise funds for cash-strapped MI6.
-That's some pretty tight security, Q. Can't I just shoplift from HMV?

"When you've finished that mission there's another valuable artifact we want you to retrieve Bond. Here I'll show you."

*Q thumbs through the Argos catalogue*

[WhoMe]

Acoustic cover version of the theme tune opens the new film. 

[Glebe]

Acoustic cover version of the theme tune opens the new film. 

Don't forget the tinkly toy trumpets!

[Glebe]

DUBBED-ON VOICE: Ah Mr Bond I've been expecting you! Please fetch him a drink, my beautiful Asian assitant!

BOND: Hang on it's just this the lips aren't moving or nowt:

[Glebe]

CUT-PRICE BLOFELD: Ah Mr Jones we've been waiting for you! Oh fuck sorry!

MR BOND: Can we do that again?

BARBARA BROCOLLI: We can't afford to we'll just have to leave it in. Can't even afford ADR.

[Glebe]

INTERIOR.ABANDONED PREFAB SCHOOLROOM.MORNING

BOND: Morning, Moneypenny!

MONEYPENNY is sitting on a wonky plastic chair.

MONEYPENNY: Morning, James! Q will see you now!

Q: Bond, just the man, come in!

BOND enters Q's office, i.e. walks across the prefab room to Q who like MONEYPENNY is also seated on a wonky plastic chair.

[frajer]

The name's Bond, James Bond, and I just went on an adventure. For financial reasons you will not see the adventure, so let me summarise: jumped out of a plane, shagged a bird, drove a car, shagged a bird, shot some goons, shot the main goon, jumped off a cliff and I'm reshagging that second bird right now. Alright? Maybe see you next time, lads.

[non capisco]

"Barrs cherryade with fish......well, that should have told me something."

[thecuriousorange]

M: "OK Bond. We need you to find out who is behind this plan to steal the planet's most advanced super computer codes, from NASA, and use them to point Russia and America's nuclear weapons at that upcoming peace summit, attended by presidents, religious leaders and all the royal families that still exist."

Bond: "The last few dastardly plans I stopped were by recent Oscar winners. Let me just check Wikip..."

Q: "We've just had intel that it's David Neilson. A 1999 British Soap Award nominee who also goes by the alias Roy Cropper."

[Glebe]

BLOFELD: You're too late Mr Bond! I've just released the switch and the bombs are already flying!

MR BOND: Arsed mate they can't afford to depict mass destruction!

BLOFELD: Foiled again by Bond on a budget!

[Ferris]

"Barrs cherryade with fish......well, that should have told me something."

Laughed. Very good.

[the Fallen]

[Ferris]

Thom Yorke's hairline. He'll be posting on here soon.

[greenman]

INTERIOR.ABANDONED PREFAB SCHOOLROOM.MORNING

BOND: Morning, Moneypenny!

MONEYPENNY is sitting on a wonky plastic chair.

MONEYPENNY: Morning, James! Q will see you now!

Q: Bond, just the man, come in!

BOND enters Q's office, i.e. walks across the prefab room to Q who like MONEYPENNY is also seated on a wonky plastic chair.

"Its Blofeld, he's stolen all the money"

[the Fallen]

Thom Yorke's hairline. He'll be posting on here soon.

Probably backwards, all in lowercase. Sidling along the back wall past the recycling. Having bedded a foreign beauty. The mirror knows he's James Bond. The mirror has been told. He then founds Scienceonomy

[Glebe]

GOLDFINGER: Welcome to my humble country club Mr Bond!

MR BOND: It certainly is humble it's just a shed on a patch of grass near a council estate. Anyway let's get on with the pitch & putt.

[The Dog]

Goldfinger: This is gravel Mr Bond, all my life I've been in love with its beauty, its weight. 

[the Fallen]

[Captain Z]

We've managed to trace Scaramanga's whereabouts to a place called Yoker. You'll have to find your own way there, 007.

[the Fallen]

[REPOST] I'd call this more of a frolic, although that mighht be giving an outrageous level of physicality to Mr Martin's opportunies in yer average beachside square go, eh, Bond?

Wait, Bond isn't the bad guy? How do you square that I am outraged at the very notion of it. You'd have to be a fool, he explains, losing even this meagre audience from the hinterlands of Reddit

[Glebe]

SUAVE VILLIAN: Ah Mr Bond I see you've changed into evening wear!

BOND: Yeah its a nice puffa jacket innit £12 from BHS.

[non capisco]

BLOFELD: (spins round in his chair): Ah, Mr. Bond. I've been expecting you.

BOND: What's that you're stroking?

BLOFELD: My knob with a cat's face drawn on, Mr. Bond!

BOND: They couldn't even afford a cat for this one?

BLOFELD: Definitely not. Ask Cubby Broccoli, go on, the phone's over there.

BOND: At the end of that long corridor?

BLOFELD: Yeah, all the way down there. Go and ask him.

BOND: And will you stop stroking your cat in the meantime, Blofeld?

BLOFELD: No, I need to keep stroking my cat!

BOND: It's just...it's a very long corridor, Blofeld.

BLOFELD: The fans expect me to stroke my cat at all times.

[itsfredtitmus]

BULGERDASH AND BIG BIGGER BURPS, BLACKADDDDDDDDERRRRRR

[Glebe]

Bond attempts to extort intel from a Russian spy with half a packet of B&H. Then he drives back to his bedsit in his second-hand Lotus.

[Glebe]

Coming soon to theatres: The Man with the Tinfoil Gun.

[frajer]

The name's Binned, I've Been Binned. Licence too expensive.

[Glebe]

"Pay attention, Bond."

"Sorry Q I have ADD but cannot afford to get treatment for it."

[The Dog]

Q: Ok, pay attention Bond. As you know, the secret to a good mission is a good nights sleep. Now take a look at this...
Bond: A mattress Q?
Q: Not an ordinary mattress bond, this is a Casper mattress, and thanks to our sponsor, Casper, we're able to offer you a 5% discount of any mattress you order.
Bond: 5%? Impressive.
Q: yes bond just enter promo code KILLMONGER007 into their website, and they'll ship a mattress right to your door within 24 hours.
Bond: I'll get one for my apartment, and one for my van.
Q: FUCKS SAKE BOND