The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW out loud II: The GUFFAWther Part 2

[Cold Meat Platter]

Tweet him pictures of the Holocaust and then tell him he's choosing to be offended.

[Pseudopath]

I hoped I might get some abuse back from Gervais fans, but like their hero they also seem to be 'liking' them without reading the text.

I know you shouldn't generalise, but I'm genuinely starting to think Gervais fans share some sort of cognitive disorder.

A friend of mine is mad about Gervais and thinks After Life the pinnacle of human creative endeavour. She recently joined the Labour Party (so she's not entirely stupid) to get a vote in the leadership ballot, so I texted her asking who she wanted for leader and deputy. Her reply? "Starmer and Phillips".

Baffled, I pointed out that they were both running for leader and that the deputy leadership was a completely separate bunch of candidates. She tersely replied, "Yeah...but you asked me who I wanted". Fucking hell. In that case, I'm voting for Hattie Jacques and Nookie Bear.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

Tweet him pictures of the Holocaust and then tell him he's choosing to be offended.

No, nab a screenshot that says "You have been blocked by @rickygervais", post it, and tell him he's choosing to be offended.

[Lordofthefiles]

You could get more than four on if they all had microcephaly.

[Cold Meat Platter]

No, nab a screenshot that says "You have been blocked by @rickygervais", post it, and tell him he's choosing to be offended.

But what's in that for me? I need the Holocaust stuff.

EDIT: This is an Ironic Joke like off of Top Gear.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Often nip to the loo with a plate of faggots and peas to get away from it all.

[marquis_de_sad]

[Alberon]

The freaky basketball with arms is crying baby basketballs while farting like a motherfucker?

Garrison is shit even when he avoids politics. Amazing.

[Ferris]

The real life ones are more terrifying than anything I can imagine:

[Norton Canes]

Wagner?

[the]

That was very good. Mental-picture humour


Edit: ah shit I was picturing Beethoven

[Kryton]

Every day you'd find at least one sandwich wrapper and a newspaper in the cubicles and the worst thing was that it was so quiet you could hear the shit coming out of people's arses.

[madhair60]

"We're at the wrong burning longboat funeral!"

[Dewt]

The one about eating while the poo is coming out to make it feel like it's an efficient system was very good.

[Satchmo Distel]

Tweet him pictures of the Holocaust and then tell him he's choosing to be offended.

He'll say it's Zyklon-B gone mad.

[marquis_de_sad]

[Lordofthefiles]

pick the little plastic mat out of the pub urinal and present it to the large man pissing next to you whilst saying "here's your award for being the biggest cunt in the pub toilets"

[imitationleather]

Brilliant.

[Pseudopath]

Holy shit, that's hilarious. Mr Torso strikes again!

[buttgammon]

WH Smith reveals that it has always been an acronym for We Hate Seeing Muslims In The Highstreet

Really tickled me.

[Pingers]

Sherbert Herberts - they were kept in separate jars and you were only allowed to buy one and had to eat it in a special room in back. Gavin Powell is blind in one eye now, last I heard he was in a mental home.

[Twit 2]

No words to describe how good this is:

AHAHHAHAHHHAHAHAH the TOILET, that's mint that is. YES, to the toilet. A quality place ful of quality users. The gents, in the piss hoose, licking lice off your dirty finger. Blue tendons swimming to the surface of your throbbing jug neck. Dirty fucking wino. Make it rain gravy

Can''t wait to get home and shove my wife in a bucket. TOILET USING ah'm no gunna twist yez knackers so ah'm no.

Pub toilet unlicensed war memorial hosed in piss and wee, flopping out of the doors like a big sea slug, up to the bar, pint of THE SQUITS please mate and one for yourself

Up the wooden hill to Boobfordshire now to feel the wife and feed the toilet, the jimmy nail,  the shitters, ah magic. Spaffing on a crucifix of cum hardened charmin tired old wank pentagram. MAGIC

effing and jeffing feeling the grind of your slag heart pissing slow blood around the canted corpse, i mean why bother WHY BOTHER

shit in your trews. fuck the toilet. up the toilet. shit and piss and fart in your clathes. AYE. yir belly ripped up with nettle stings, gie ays a crisp that'll tear chunks off me gums and worm me guts up something rotten
your shat gouts in a dark wet herd across flock wallpaper

feed wasps to your scarecrow and put a spittoon at its feet to mitt the splaying flob. The toilet. lend us yer ear and i'll pure spill a pail of shite inta it.

Sorry love the wedding's off. Just had a power wank in the bogs. I have reconsidered my position in your gusset. look mate pure disbelief at your wee burd sittin on a pile of beef medallions
I'm going toilet free now. enough of the toilet. Funny and excellent and seismically hilarious the idea of going to the toilet is, i can only take so much toilet
Going to sleep now slammed into a clod of frozen soil and nothing to eat except for this moths egg i found under one of my teeth

LEAVE ME ALONE I AM EATING OUT OF THE TOILET farts crushed into black glass by subzero guff winds

fuckn Saluting my turds as I give them a proper sea burial and fluish them into the wash
can't be precious, ye'v got to eat the runt of the litter otherwise he grows up to be yer da.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Laughed multiple times

[the]

Succinct bulletin:

My granddad went on 15 to 1 twice and he shat it both times

[Chollis]

ALAN SUGAR: I've laid on some luxury prawns at Lothlorien.
ARAGORN: Fuck off you sweaty turd, you're giving me the yips.

[willy crossit]

from peters mad thoughts thread

pick the little plastic mat out of the pub urinal and present it to the large man pissing next to you whilst saying "here's your award for being the biggest cunt in the pub toilets"

[Harry Badger]

Colacentral's dream had me stifling laughter at work today:

Not a comedian per se but last week I had a dream that Terry Wogan was hosting a chat show, where his guest brought on a cooked breakfast. The guest was for some reason indignant that Wogan apparently couldn't recognise all the foods on the plate.

Guest: I bet you don't even know what foods these are.

Wogan: Yes I do.

Guest holds up sausage.

Guest: What's this then?

Wogan: That's a sausage.

Guest gestures to the baked beans.

Guest: And what are these?

Wogan: They're erm... smaller, orange sausages.

[DoesNotFollow]

that looks like some Mr Kipling bullshit

Such unnecessary anger/disdain.

[Cerys]

Finding road crash victims and instead of helping them whacking them with tennis rackets and kicking broken glass over them and bellowing HAHA FUCKING LOSER and then pretending to be the paramedic but just start conversations about Emmerdale instead over their shouting and eventual crying and making siren noises down their blouses NEE-NAH NEE-NAH like that and jumping up and down on their fingers and covering them with sacking and low-grade sand and tipping GRASSHOPPERS in a shoebox over their bonnet and running around the site ringing a little death bell made out of their strewn cartilage and farting and crying myself now until it turns to laughter like theirs so that we're both laughing laughing laughing and then Laphroaig in the wounds and punch the last of the broken glass into the pus and wait for the sparrowhawks to stoop into a copse full of landfill and eye us up now that we're both dead from exhaustion and pity.

[Cerys]

Fucking gonad.

Is still making me giggle so much that typing this on a phone is taking far too long.