1001 films that are NOT worth watching

[SavageHedgehog]

Speaking of commenting on camera angles...

Battlefield Earth
One of those classic 'funny because it's fucking terrible' films. About 99% of the shots were at a canted angle for no apparent reason.

Surely that means it is worth watching, just not in the way they (presumably) intended. It's dedication to Dutch angles is bizarre but not unique; Ron Howard's Grinch also went nuts with the sideways views, and even the much praised Star Trek reboot [nb]On which it was secretly an influence?[/nb] made me feel slightly queasy as a result

[Sxncass]

At least it could make you feel something.

I had the misfortune to see Choose, which is essentially the bastard love child of Saw and a series of poorly contrived focus groups.

It manages the feat of being such a nonentity of a tale that it couldn't even leave me feeling numb and empty.

If I encountered somebody who had never seen a film before, and I wanted to convince them that the medium wads entirely pointless, this is what I would show them.

[Dead kate moss]

BRICK

This movie somehow has its fans, but so does Arcade Fire/your mum/those meerkat ads, etc, so that explains that. Anyway, watch this if you want to marvel at its weird shitness, as I did.

Brick is about a young nerd who improbably has a hot-but-nice blonde ex gf, who gets killed because she gets caught up in drugs and cool people. Its the ultimate pussy fantasy/fears made celluloid. It might have well been called 'Milhouse solves a crime'.

The main character, played by the long faced kid off Third Rock From The Sun, will appeal to losers who have not actually had an angelic blonde ex-gf, but who know a thing or two about obsessing about and/or stalking them.

There's a musclebound dumb jock character, a laughable stereotype that ends up killing the pusher dude who for no fucking reason dresses like Jack The Ripper. To the scaredy cat boffin types, these muscle guys are just animals anyway, so it doesn't seem ridiculous [aside - it does] how his punching the guy a few times is equal to Wolverine's beserker rage. Luckily our hero manages to run away from this fight.

Throughout the film everyone does as the pussy tells them to, when in real life they would say 'shut it poindexter' and he would cry.

He finally works out that the chick from Heroes is evil, and his ex was a poor little angel who only hung out with the cool kids because they were like cool and stuff. And they got her addicted to 'dupe' or 'tug' or whatever stupid ergot they invented for this film. Every line is incomprehensible, with talk of 'every bull in the burg being on their shadow if the 9th line goes bong-bong' or somesuch.

The evil chick gets hers when four-eyes reveals he has put a letter under the sheriff's door telling him to search her locker where the drugs are. The perfect nerd solution - run away from every confrontation, then tell the teacher.

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

Crazy Heart has some explaining to do. If you're into films that leave various sub plots unresolved then this one is for you. There are some redeeming features; Jeff Bridges, his voice, a nice-ish soundtrack. Read on if you dare.

Spoiler alert

Very annoying how Bridges' battle with alchohol addiction is glanced over. He's clean off the sauce in what must be the space of five minutes. What has been the bane of his life, and should have been his most challenging on screen ...er challenge, ends up becoming trivial and seemingly a walk in the park. This film arrogantly decides to substitute old fashioned resolution of storyline for an ambiguous "what might have been". His son, his ex, his relationship with Tommy, all left up in the air for the viewer to decide what happened. Sorry but if I want to create and resolve my own stories I'll save the cash and stay at home.

[close]

Not worth it.

[Famous Mortimer]

dkm, I like your writeup but I respectfully disagree with your analysis. Brick is really, really good.

[kittens]

fuckin' Dark City. Waste of two fucking hours.

[Johnny Townmouse]

Is relieved to see negative views of Dark City and Brick. I found both godawful.

[HappyTree]

I've had Dark City in my "to watch" pile for almost 2 years, it seems. I had totally forgotten about it. Looking at the synopsis, it looks not bad. It's sci fi, Matrixy and has Jennifer Connelly in it. Will report back, probably in another 2 years.

[ThickAndCreamy]

I didn't mind it to be fair, although my memories of it are a bit of a blur mixed with Equilibrium, Gattaca and a few other general dystopian films that were good but nothing special.

[Phil_A]

BRICK

This movie somehow has its fans, but so does Arcade Fire/your mum/those meerkat ads, etc, so that explains that. Anyway, watch this if you want to marvel at its weird shitness, as I did.

Brick is about a young nerd who improbably has a hot-but-nice blonde ex gf, who gets killed because she gets caught up in drugs and cool people. Its the ultimate pussy fantasy/fears made celluloid. It might have well been called 'Milhouse solves a crime'.

The main character, played by the long faced kid off Third Rock From The Sun, will appeal to losers who have not actually had an angelic blonde ex-gf, but who know a thing or two about obsessing about and/or stalking them.

There's a musclebound dumb jock character, a laughable stereotype that ends up killing the pusher dude who for no fucking reason dresses like Jack The Ripper. To the scaredy cat boffin types, these muscle guys are just animals anyway, so it doesn't seem ridiculous [aside - it does] how his punching the guy a few times is equal to Wolverine's beserker rage. Luckily our hero manages to run away from this fight.

Throughout the film everyone does as the pussy tells them to, when in real life they would say 'shut it poindexter' and he would cry.

He finally works out that the chick from Heroes is evil, and his ex was a poor little angel who only hung out with the cool kids because they were like cool and stuff. And they got her addicted to 'dupe' or 'tug' or whatever stupid ergot they invented for this film. Every line is incomprehensible, with talk of 'every bull in the burg being on their shadow if the 9th line goes bong-bong' or somesuch.

The evil chick gets hers when four-eyes reveals he has put a letter under the sheriff's door telling him to search her locker where the drugs are. The perfect nerd solution - run away from every confrontation, then tell the teacher.

I think you missed the point by a sizeable margin. The reason they talk like that is because the whole film is homage to pulp detective stories from the thirties. It's basically taking the archetypes of a Dashiell Hammet story and putting them in a modern high school setting. If you didn't get that, then I don't think you could've understood the film at all, and clearly you haven't.

I'm not going to go through your entire post line by line but

Throughout the film everyone does as the pussy tells them to

that's wrong, for a start. He gets punched around as much as any lead character in a pulp story does, and really only gets anywhere through sheer bloody-mindedness.

[Glebe]

Watched Splice last night... hmmm. I knew it wasn't going to be great, but I thought it might be creepy fun... it was a little spooky in places, but overall it was laughably silly and Adrian Brody and Sarah Polley's cartoon Generation X scientists were incredibly irritating. Between Predators and this, it looks like Brody's career is going downhill pretty bloody fast to me.

(Also watched The Girl Who Played With Fire last night, which was pretty good... plus have Scott Pilgrim still to watch out of my triple Blu-ray rental!)

[SavageHedgehog]

Brody is also appearing soon in a Stoner comedy called High School. Get it? High School!!! To be fair the teaser was quite amusing, but still High School?

[Harpo Speaks]

Watched Splice last night... hmmm. I knew it wasn't going to be great, but I thought it might be creepy fun... it was a little spooky in places, but overall it was laughably silly and Adrian Brody and Sarah Polley's cartoon Generation X scientists were incredibly irritating.

There's some good stuff in it, and it kept me entertained for what it was, but overall it's pretty average.

Spoiler alert

Plus it contains possibly the stupidest sex scene ever.

[close]

[non capisco]

I thought Splice started off alright but then there's that scene which had the whole cinema audience howling with laughter and the rest of the film was then under its risible shadow. Glad I saw it in the cinema though, due to the fun of the communal reaction when that happened.

[Steve Lampkins]

I thought Splice started off alright but then there's that scene which had the whole cinema audience howling with laughter

Which scene is that? I've not seen it, but the Wikipedia entry is hilarious throughout.

[Harpo Speaks]

Which scene is that? I've not seen it, but the Wikipedia entry is hilarious throughout.

See my spoilered post above.

[Dead kate moss]

I think you missed the point by a sizeable margin. The reason they talk like that is because the whole film is homage to pulp detective stories from the thirties. It's basically taking the archetypes of a Dashiell Hammet story and putting them in a modern high school setting. If you didn't get that, then I don't think you could've understood the film at all, and clearly you haven't.

I am in fact aware that the movie strove to emulate Dashiel Hammet/Mickey Spillane dialogue. Setting it in a school with a main character that wasn't Robert Mitchum or Humphrey Bogart but instead a nerdy teenager was not a wise move but instead made the whole thing ridiculous. Also the dialogue from detective/noir was cool and clever, in Brick it was misplaced, incomprehensible and the shit-icing on a shit-movie.

[non capisco]

Which scene is that? I've not seen it, but the Wikipedia entry is hilarious throughout.

Spoiler alert

Adrien Brody is caught nuts deep in the hybrid thing by his wife. UH OH SPAGHETTI0'S!!!!

[close]

[Ignatius_S]

I am in fact aware that the movie strove to emulate Dashiel Hammet/Mickey Spillane dialogue..

Which Spillane dialogue do you have in mind for that very interesting claim?

[Dead kate moss]

Which Spillane dialogue do you have in mind for that very interesting claim?

Oh maybe it was a bad example. Spillane's dialogue is quite sparse/simple isn't it? And I'm not familiar with Hammet's work either. If you are, and the dialogue in Brick was in your opinion really a smart and skilfull updating of it, maybe you could enjoy the movie more than me. But it sounded really annoying to me, and the dialogue style was only one of the faults I found with the movie, which I've already listed.

[Famous Mortimer]

It doesn't really sound like Hammett (based on the 2 novels of his I've read) but I don't think it's supposed to be that specific - just a use of those tropes to make a different sort of film. No point spending any more time trying to convince you why you should like it - you don't, that's cool. I love it though, and would probably fight you if I ever saw you because of that stupid opinion.

I know it's in the other thread, but I'll give a "Not Worth Watching" to

Speed Racer
Just watch that 2-minute bit in the Simpsons where Bart and Millhouse drink a pure-sugar slushee. Done! You've replicated the effect of Speed Racer and have saved yourself 90 minutes.

[mike_blockhead]

Have to nominate Synecdoche, New York . First off I enjoyed Being John Malkovich & Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so Charlie Kaufman films werent something I inherently disliked .

However .. I thought Synecdoche , New York was the biggest pile of self indulgent shite I have seen in a long time .

[Ignatius_S]

Oh maybe it was a bad example. Spillane's dialogue is quite sparse/simple isn't it? And I'm not familiar with Hammet's work either. If you are, and the dialogue in Brick was in your opinion really a smart and skilfull updating of it, maybe you could enjoy the movie more than me. But it sounded really annoying to me, and the dialogue style was only one of the faults I found with the movie, which I've already listed.

I was rather tart because the two writers were poles apart. With Spillane, although there's the occasional nice turn of phrase, his style is definitely simple - as you say - as are the characters. Although Mike Hammer is a private eye, the novels are essentially pulp fiction about an anti-communist, sadistic reactionary who sees the law as useless and employs violence at the drop of a fedora.

Although Hammett pioneered the hard-boiled style, works like The Maltese Falcon contributed to what would be the noir style - and Brick is essentially a noir story in the high school setting.

When I first heard about it, I didn't think Brick was a good idea and I love noir films - but I really like it as a film. Arguably, it's a pastiche - and one  that I think is great.

It doesn't really sound like Hammett (based on the 2 novels of his I've read) but I don't think it's supposed to be that specific - just a use of those tropes to make a different sort of film. No point spending any more time trying to convince you why you should like it - you don't, that's cool. I love it though, and would probably fight you if I ever saw you because of that stupid opinion....

Very much agree - and I'll hold your coat (but to be fair, I'll hold Dead Kate Moss' as well).

[Rick O Shea]

Jennifer's Body boring teen horror nonsense; did I expect it to be good? no but I thought it would be better than what it was.

[Phil_A]

A current one - Season Of The Witch. Honestly, don't even bother.

Spoiler alert

There aren't even any witches in it.

[close]

I've no idea how they managed to make a film with this subject matter so dull and uninvolving, but somehow they did. Even a scene of Little Dorrit being possessed by Satan couldn't make this one interesting. For god's sake, they even do that terrible old cliche of someone declaring "After this is all over, I think I'm gonna go home, buy myself a little farm, etc" to clue you into the fact that they're going to cop it in about ten minutes time.

It is vaguely amusing how the script tries to handwave around the issue of where on earth Perlman and Cage are supposed to be from, when they've obviously just turned up on set and said, "Okay, we're just going to play it as two modern American guys inexplicably fighting in the Crusades."

[fat handed twat]

I like quite a few films in this thread. Brick is great. Pi is pretty good too, I even quite like Requiem for a Dream though I've heard it slated loads on here before so I'm guessing I'm in the minority there.

My nomination is 'Babel'. I don't really remember it that well but I do remember it being one of the dullest films I've ever seen, had some kind of worthy anti gun message, christ it was boring. Also 'King Kong', the one with Jack Black that just went on fucking forever. Would have walked out of the cinema if I wasn't with friends and I've never walked out on anything before.

[Glebe]

Watched The Ring 2 on TV last night... such chessy, histronic, Hollywood nonsense. The big disappointed is that its actually directed by the original Ringu's Hideo Nataka.

[Johnny Townmouse]

I Heart Huckabees

I know some people think this film is genius, and it does have Tomlin and Hoffman in it, but for christsakes Jude Law AND Mark Wahlberg? Really? I think I may have nominated this film before in this thread, or another, but it is worthy of being hung out here again. Anderson is hit and miss, much like the Coens, but even Darjeeling and Life Aquatic are just not very good, rather than infuriatingly pretentious. He seems to be just trying too hard. I think that as a rule directors are not indulgent enough these days, but this is just a wank-fest.

[Egyptian Feast]

I Heart Huckabees

I know some people think this film is genius, and it does have Tomlin and Hoffman in it, but for christsakes Jude Law AND Mark Wahlberg? Really? I think I may have nominated this film before in this thread, or another, but it is worthy of being hung out here again. Anderson is hit and miss, much like the Coens, but even Darjeeling and Life Aquatic are just not very good, rather than infuriatingly pretentious. He seems to be just trying too hard. I think that as a rule directors are not indulgent enough these days, but this is just a wank-fest.

It was David O Russell though, not Wes Anderson. I enjoyed it, but not as much as the out-takes of Russell screaming 'cunt' at Lily Tomlin.

[Famous Mortimer]

Operation Endgame

The cast list: Bob Odenkirk, Rob Cordry, Adam Scott, Ving Rhames, Zach Galifianakis, Jeffrey Tambor. You'd think they'd struggle to make a bad film with this much comedy talent knocking about.

But they succeed, and succeed in spades. A secret-government-agency "thriller" played for "laughs". The scriptwriter appears to think comedy is just people insulting each other a lot, and a guy with a fake nose. It's not so much that it's awful, it's just a thriller with no thrills and a comedy with no funny stuff in it. They bizarrely kill off the two strongest members of the cast in the first half-hour, then things just keep going downhill.

Oh, and Galifianakis (the ostensible star of the film, given the cover) is in it for about 8 minutes, near the end. And isn't even all that funny either. The worst sort of bad - dull and boring.