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Comedy lines that just tickle the shit out of you Mk.II

Started by Benjaminos, March 10, 2020, 08:43:20 AM

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Joe Qunt

#180
Random lines that I often use in real life to the confusion of everyone else:

  • "Adam Friedland Night at Club Gay!"
  • "Very gooood Mr Shapiro..."
  • "What do you think you're playing at you conker-headed berk?"
  • "Everything's coming up Milhouse!"
  • "Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos!"
  • "Tramampoline! Trambampoline!"
  • "Boy, everyone is stupid except me."
  • "I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package!"
  • "Be the pencil, Howard!"
  • "Philip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money."
  • "SHUT IT, LOVE ACTUALLY!"
  • "You're David Fucking Niven!"
  • "You hate jazz? You fear jazz!"
  • "Wanked you off with a pair of clogs?"
  • "I'm going to fuck your fucking fanny, off you twat."
  • "It means omerta. It means rewengay."
  • "Floss is boss!"

Sonny_Jim

Whenever I find myself agreeing with someone occasionally my head gets filled with John Candy's delivery of 'When you're right, you're right.  And you, you're always right'.


Is this normal?


Sebastian Cobb

From In Fabric:
QuoteWhat have you done to your hair?
Why?
Looks like the council cut it.

Pink Gregory

"Morbo forgets how to say the letter that looks like a little man in a hat."

"It's a T, it goes, tuh"

"Hello little man, I WILL DESTROY YOU!"

non capisco

Not a line, more of an idiosyncratic detail, but the Athletico Mince episode where Harry Kane and his gang gather round his mum's house to watch "The Flumps Take New York".

The Mollusk

Ricky getting his grade 10 on Trailer Park Boys and saying he "passed with flying carpets" has been popping in my head and cracking me up this weekend.

non capisco

The riff on the Three Bean Salad podcast where they're talking about how it's illegal to draw the Queen on the toilet so you have to draw it with a dust cloud round her like people having a fight in a comic strip. Mike Wozniak chiming in with "But you have to draw her crown round her ankles so you know what she's up to."

Armed Traffic Warden

  I was just watching 2.4 Children. Ben brings home a pig for Christmas and they spend the day trying to get rid of it. Eventually the RSPCA arrive to take it away but can't as it's giving birth.

Ben: [exhasberated/surprised] "Dave! What are you doing?"

  I was half inclined to put this in 'Small moments that make you laugh more than intended' as it's not meant as a big line but it hit my sweet spot.

DrGreggles

"...sexual assault with a concrete dildo"

Any time someone reads a list my brain adds this to the end of it.

Joe Qunt


Pink Gregory


Pink Gregory

Not strictly a comedy line but my Dad's best friend is in hospital with life-threatening sepsis, and he (me pa) shows me his Whatsapp chat with him (the friend) and it features the phrase "You need a new head" and, well reader, I laughed.

The Mollusk

Watching Delocated again recently, so ridiculously quotable but one that's stuck in my head for the last few days is Jon popping bread out of its paper wrapping and going "Ello, it's me, monsieur baguette!"

dissolute ocelot

Watching Fresh Meat s1, and JP (Jack Whitehall) calling himself DJ Rape is both so appalling, and such perfect lame edgelord bullshit.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: The Mollusk on September 04, 2022, 11:24:02 PMRicky getting his grade 10 on Trailer Park Boys and saying he "passed with flying carpets" has been popping in my head and cracking me up this weekend.

One that pops into my head is "This thing here's smarter than me, I guess, but it has a battery."

Pink Gregory


kalowski

Quote from: Pink Gregory on September 27, 2022, 08:17:11 PM"We find the defendant incredibly guilty"
Which reminds me of"The jury has found you not gillcup."

SpiderChrist

GC: Is your name not Bruce?

MP: No, it's Michael.

It's the confused sincerity in Palin's delivery that makes it funny for me, Clive.

Pink Gregory

Watching Treehouse of Horror again

"I heard we're going to Ape Island!"

"Yeah to capture a giant ape!  I wish we were going to candy apple island."

"Candy apple island!  What do they got there?"

"Apes; but they're not so big."

fucking PEAK Simpsons


Andy147

Quote from: SpiderChrist on October 11, 2022, 01:45:32 PMGC: Is your name not Bruce?

MP: No, it's Michael.

It's the confused sincerity in Palin's delivery that makes it funny for me, Clive.

It's Terry Jones's delivery (answering Eric Idle), at least in the original TV version.

SpiderChrist

Quote from: Andy147 on November 01, 2022, 12:20:40 AMIt's Terry Jones's delivery (answering Eric Idle), at least in the original TV version.

You're correct, of course.

Ferris

"Today is the anniversary of 1944. People did different things then, and lived different lives. This Day Today reminiscipackage features contemporary memories and footage from a time when a five speed, three litre Ford Capri was the stuff of a madman's dreams"



Some bloke in 1944 having a tortured vision of a mediocre car from the early '90s gets me every time.

dumpster

Gareth doing health and safety training with Sally Bretton.  He moves a cup around the workstation and she has to yell out "dangerous!" When the cup is in a dangerous position.  The way she says it is perfect, and after a couple of goes Gareth pauses. He's embarrassed by what he's doing, she obviously thinks it's a waste of time too. There's a moment in both their eyes but he carries on for the camera and gives her an A. 

neveragain

Quote from: Ferris on November 12, 2022, 08:19:44 PM"Today is the anniversary of 1944. People did different things then, and lived different lives. This Day Today reminiscipackage features contemporary memories and footage from a time when a five speed, three litre Ford Capri was the stuff of a madman's dreams"

There's so much gold in that introduction. Well, four. Four bits of gold. The first line is my favourite and sums up the essence of The Day Today's silliness for me.

Ferris

Quote from: neveragain on November 20, 2022, 08:26:28 PMThere's so much gold in that introduction. Well, four. Four bits of gold. The first line is my favourite and sums up the essence of The Day Today's silliness for me.

Bloody hell it's good.


Second actor is in the Jonathan Creek episode The Eyes of Tiresias, '90s TV fans. I'd recognize her anywhere (though I assume she is now dead).

neveragain


Pink Gregory

Love that there's no more detail than 'we connected the house up to a baby'.  Would have been so tempting to put up a silly illustration or a doctored photo but it'a left entirely to the imagination.

The Mollusk

Favourite old geezer quote from The Day Today Brass Eye is the small and twatty crime "dressed up like a little city gent and walked into the bank of England shouting fuck the pound".

neveragain

Quote from: Pink Gregory on November 20, 2022, 11:15:44 PMLove that there's no more detail than 'we connected the house up to a baby'.  Would have been so tempting to put up a silly illustration or a doctored photo but it'a left entirely to the imagination.

The best nonsense always is.