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Things your dad is still doing.

Started by Glebe, November 02, 2021, 08:50:35 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on August 02, 2022, 10:00:13 PM"Even just a crisp fiver or a tasty tenner!"

"Dad, take your hand out of your underpants."

"When you're wealthy, behaviour like this is just eccentric son."

"Right well, win the lottery and then we'll talk. Until then close your bloody robe. You're scaring Norman."

Norm shrugs. "Seen it all before mate. Not that there's much to see, eh?!"

Your dad pulls his dressing gown closed. "Alright Norm, if I wanted my dick rating I'd bung you 15 quid on OnlyFans."

Glebe

"Woo-hoo! Yeah! Dad is cookin'! I'm on fire! I got the moves like Jagger! Hit me with your rhythm stick! Booyakasha, bwana!"

"-Norm, call the nuthouse."

Your dad keeps feigning a heart attack then smirking and winking at you whenever he sees an attractive woman.

frajer

Your dad has bought a joblot of print-flawed celebrity masks cheap off eBay, so you're currently eating your Cornflakes sat across the table from a slightly smeared Viggo Mortensen.

Chollis

Your dad breaks down in tears when you give him a Philip Glenister box set, sobbing that it's "the best present I've ever got".

Your dad offers a Dairylea triangle to a stranger at a bus stop.

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on August 03, 2022, 09:45:56 AMYour dad has bought a joblot of print-flawed celebrity masks cheap off eBay, so you're currently eating your Cornflakes sat across the table from a slightly smeared Viggo Mortensen.

Oddly enough it's the ACTUAL Viggo Mortensen!

It's a long story, but basically your dad was dancing around the front garden eating nachos in a Peter Kay mask when Viggo - who happened to be shooting an indie drama nearby - passed. Your dad accidentally tossed some nacho dip (YOU decide what kind) on his face and invited him in to "clean up the smearing, Viggo!"

"Wow this is weird. Eating breakfast with Viggo Mortensen," you smile wryly.

"I'm just an ordinary bloke really."

"Can I have your autograph?" simpers your dad.

"Yes, if I can have your autograph, 'Peter Kay'."

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on August 03, 2022, 01:32:13 PM"Can I have your autograph?" simpers your dad.

"Yes, if I can have your autograph, 'Peter Kay'."

"Garlic thank you very garlic much, garlic mate! Now let's get you out of them clothes and play Eastern Promises."

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on August 03, 2022, 07:51:15 PM"Garlic thank you very garlic much, garlic mate! Now let's get you out of them clothes and play Eastern Promises."

"Eastern Promises? I'll break out the Turkish Delight, remember that from there '80s? It's a taste sensation!"

As Viggo Mortensen wrestles your dad (still wearing the Peter Kay mask) naked on the floor, you think to yourself "I really have quite an unusual life."

Glebe

"Son I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to live in the shed from now on."

"Dad I have my own house. I'm just visiting you."

"Get in that shed!"

frajer

In a momentary diversion to Things Norm is Doing: Norm is seething at being evicted from your dad's shed, which he had converted into a rudimentary tiki lounge.

Glebe

"Son can I borrow your lens cloth? The TV screen is all dusty."

"No Dad, it's a field of stars."

"Oh, duh  yeah, I'm watching Star Trek: TNG!"

"I think you're the one that needs dusting off!"

"My Betazoid side senses sarcasm."

Glebe

Your dad has been subliminally trained as a government assassin. The trigger word is 'Hornby'.

Fr.Bigley

Quote from: Glebe on August 05, 2022, 06:19:33 PMYour dad has been subliminally trained as a government assassin. The trigger word is 'Hornby'.

It's always about a boy in some way, says norm...


Your dad lobs a 5ml tin of humbrol naval grey at his head and tells you to close the curtains.

Glebe

"What wacky thing are you up to today, Dad?"

"I'm trying to learn all the 'memes', son!"

"Okay good luck with that."

"Wait before you go - I can has cheezburger?"

Your dad has demanded Christmas crackers are put out for a Sunday lunch in August. You have a sneaking suspicion he's written the jokes (again).

Glebe

Your dad is in absolute kinks in the lounge.

"Son... gasp... I - aha! - I've just being watching a clip of Small Britain on me phone... heh, the fat one, he's, ha, the sole homosexual in his Welsh village! Brilliant! Have to say, some of the new modern comedy is actually pretty good!"



Kankurette

Your dad is showing his tits to the audience again.

Glebe

#1070
Quote from: Kankurette on August 06, 2022, 11:57:47 PMYour dad is showing his tits to the audience again.

They are of course novelty boobs from the joke shop, but he is also sporting a clip-on ponytail and is wearing a football kit as he comes in from the garden.

"There's quite a crowd by the fence there since y'flashed y'boobs!"

"Pant... hang on Norm, just swigging some Lucozade then I'll be back out!"

"Don't tell me Dad, doing your bit for women's football?"

"That's right son. Only I've smashed another greenhouse!"

"YOU'RE NOT HAVING THIS BALL BACK!"

"THAT'S ALRIGHT MATE I'VE GOT TWO MORE DOWN HERE, eh lads?"

Glebe

Your dad sweeps into the kitchen wearing a big theatrical hat and cape.

"Decided to become an actor, Dad?"

"YES, SON," he booms, "THEY WILL CALL ME 'THE ORSON WELLES OF SUBURBIA!"

Your dad is doodling designs for a hatch back called the Eros which he plans to send to Dacia.

Glebe

"Still angry with that Victoria Wood over that 'spank me on the bottom with the Women's Weekly' song son!"

"I thought you were a fan, Dad?!"

"Yeah 'Two Soups' with Julie Walters is a classic but that song is bloody filthy if you'll excuse my language!"

"Let it go Dad. It was a long time ago."

"I've a good mind to write to her care of the BBC! Is Points of View still going?"

"I dunno but Victoria Wood passed away some years ago."

"That's no excuse! That filth is still out there!"

Glebe

Your dad off to B&Q for a tin of Hammerite.

Glebe

Your dad is at it again, pretending he was a "child of the '90s!"

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Demon Headmaster... those were the days!"

"Dad I entered my teens in the '90s... how could you possibly be younger than your son?!"

Your dad looks at Norman and laughs. "Ha, pull the other one, son! I distinctly remember your grandad taking me to see Jurassic Park: The Lost World,  it was really scary!"

"But we were both pushing 40 at that stage!" Norman chips in helpfully.

"Teletubbies, so nostalgic!"

frajer

"Did I ever tell you I was the baby in the sun in Teletubby Land, son?"

"So you were simultaneously a child watching yourself on telly as a baby?"

Your dad beams. "I exist outside of time! Ever since I went inside that monolith it's all gone fuck-up for your old man!"

Glebe

"Didnt Toyah do voice work on Teletubbies?"

"Who's she, Norm? I have never heard of Toyah Wilcox before she's way before my time!"

Glebe

Your dad is the garden shouting "MY SON IS AN AIDS-TIER FAILURE AND A PAEDO!"

The neighbours know to ignore him by now.

PlanktonSideburns