Desolation: The Malignant Seven

[Twit 2]

"Never felt so alive!" after wasp stings meatus.

[Chicory]

Tricked into slutdropping to Eric Clapton's 'Tears In Heaven' at Heraklion airport.

[Fishfinger]

Sir Tristam Wormthrall votes for deterioration.

[Fishfinger]

Slapped awake in a gutter.

[shoulders]

After a dispute regarding a thimble you banish sister Patsy to the shadowrealm.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

Hunted down in a desolate alleyway by Nigel Pivaro driving a Mk3 Capri.

As he catches up with you, you notice that the right inner headlight isn't working.

Your last conscious thought is "That's an MOT fail right there."

[PlanktonSideburns]

Hunted down in a desolate alleyway by Nigel Pivaro driving a Mk3 Capri.

As he catches up with you, you notice that the right inner headlight isn't working.

Your last conscious thought is "That's an MOT fail right there."

Amazing

[shoulders]

Your pilgrimage to Magnetic North is finally at an end, and bonus you can get a sandwich at the Greggs at Doncaster Station then get home in half an hour on the train!

[shoulders]

Tricked into slutdropping to Eric Clapton's 'Tears In Heaven' at Heraklion airport.

Excellent

[shoulders]

You use your Centenarian Bounty to buy machines to kill and maim local pets.

[shoulders]

Spitting pissy icicles out of your urinating hole like a fucked up woodchipper

[shoulders]

Your epitaph amendment ensures your dog Dogface is immortalised as a 'Riddled AIDS BEAST'

[pancreas]

Your Dumfries leper colony is refused exemption from child protection regulations: 'Unfortunately, the 16th century legislation you cited was repealed by William of Orange.'

[shoulders]

Deepak Chopra texts you 'Me in ur arse later 8pm?'

[Glebe]

An Are You Being Served? cosplay session ends in an unpleasant orgy.

[Glebe]

Longest Frenulum Competition, Goole.

[dex]

Getting awoken from your dream of being rogered by Tregard from Knightmare

[Glebe]

You cower in awe as your frenulum comes loose and begins to mate with a rare form of rabies.

[Glebe]

A Nigel Havers-themed party descends into chaos when somebody turns up as Simon MacCorkindale.

"I printed his face off the internet and glued it to a cornflakes packet. All that trouble only to discover it's a Havers bash! Fuck my life!"

[jenna appleseed]

Punching a reversible mood octopus inside out

(accidentally) fisting an reversible octopus

Getting your cock wedged stuck in the reversible octopus you're using as a flesh light.

[shoulders]

Norbert gets himself into a proper Dentressangle

[Twit 2]

Your attempts to better yourself through forging positive connections with others leave you destitute, dead and upturned in a skip.

[Joe Qunt]

Your homemade Sybian leaves you for the fox in the bingo ads.

[Twit 2]

Settling for a pasty-faced dollop.

[Twit 2]

Funeral arrangements are a scotch egg, a garbled Jasper Carrot routine and a memorial booklet produced by Gary's Fliers.

[shoulders]

The controller of Rotherham traffic lights orders an underling to track down a miscreant viewable on the screens and 'bring him to me, have him bummed in advance'.

[Vodkafone]

As a young intern at Speedo, your task is to "conceive a campaign that will once and for all sever any assocation between our product and sex pests and paedophiles" - informs marketing director Ralf as he massages your shoulders, in only his Speedos.

[Glebe]

Sexual fetish guilt and shame envelopes you during an eulogy for your daughter's late pet pangolin.

[Glebe]

You daydream about infertility whilst crossing to a traffic island.

[Vodkafone]

Bobby McFerrin meets Liz Truss for 5 minutes, and burns the master tapes of Don't Worry, Be Happy