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Desolation: The Malignant Seven

Started by Ferris, February 21, 2022, 03:00:48 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

Todd Carty shouts at you for accidentally knocking over his bins.

Glebe

You become emotionally dependent on Dettol.

Ferris

DJ Casper and Fatman Scoop collaborate and leave it all on the field, musically speaking.

batwings

You stupidly fed Haddaway when you found him outside the library and now he's followed you home.

Dignitas family package.


PlanktonSideburns

The recording session for Your Dad's new album

Midnight Dildonics

In a Tasmanian recording studio is delayed after a fistful of lube

(next album name sorted! He proclaims from his hospital bed)

shorts out an arduino Lynn Drum cv out > Butt plug vibration dynamics interface, severely cooking You'r Dad from the inside

As he slipped unconscious, a little voice was heard to wimper

Please tell me you got that on tape son

Chicory

The DNA test results are imminent.  It's either yours or Vince Cable's.

shoulders

No matter what life support machine they try to hook you up to, they all won't work. They refuse.

Glebe

Ken Livingstone invites you out for a curry then bums you behind a Debenhams.

batwings

Quote from: Glebe on July 31, 2022, 01:37:09 PMKen Livingstone invites you out for a curry then bums you behind a Debenhams.

At least he's discreet.

Glebe

Quote from: batwings on July 31, 2022, 02:04:15 PMAt least he's discreet.

Did I mention Starmer and Corbyn were watching?

Vodkafone

Quote from: Glebe on July 31, 2022, 01:37:09 PMKen Livingstone invites you out for a curry then bums you behind a Debenhams.

Very good, I like

Glebe


shoulders

Travelling paedophile class on a dogshit fuelled hovercraft from Rotherham to Moorthorpe.

The Bumlord

You awaken from an erotically charged dream about Rob Curling to find your legs repossessed

shoulders

Waking to JK Rowlings grey scrotum being dragged back and forth across your eyeballs.

shoulders

Flaying your 7 year old stepsister with a birch after criticising her cameraphone video of you throwing tiles into a mudflat as having 'lamentably poor composition' and 'dogshit dogshit of the shittest dogshit Mise-en-scène'.

Vodkafone

Your family consists of three small bottles of piss called Roger, Ann and Godfrey. Ann is your nearest relative for purposes of the Mental Health Act.

madhair60

Daughter's first words: "vinegar strokes"

The Bumlord

Tinder date leaves your flat in a hurry, claiming the bathtub overflowing with human remains has 'completely ruined the mood'.

shoulders

You reach emotional Sunderland bearing witness to the crucifixion of an incompetent wheelwright.

shoulders

Stapling your snotty hankies onto the village scapegoat.

Glebe

"Mummy, what's ticket scalping?"

"It's what mummy and daddy do for for a living, 'sweetheart'..."

Joe Qunt

You listlessly finger a banjo as the photocopier repairman wipes sweat from his hirsute crack.

Captain Poodle Basher

Quote from: Joe Qunt on August 01, 2022, 02:10:59 PMYou listlessly finger a banjo as the photocopier repairman wipes sweat from his hirsute crack.

"Same time next week then?"

"If you like"

You hand him a fifty and go to tidy yourself up.

Glebe

Down the front for two hours of Jim Davidson 'uncensored', he's practically spitting on you, "OI FACKING 'ATE WOMEN!"

PlanktonSideburns

You forgot to put any fuckin noggins in

Boss turns up, and is immediacy like


Where's the fucking NOGS?! Fucks up?

Ferris

Gambling the mortgage on converting photos of your nan into NFTs.

shoulders

Belted up the arse by Cheshire's youngest auctioneer. Throughout he bangs the gavel on your back and screams SOLD!!!

Joe Qunt

You offend a Nigerian family. On purpose.

Stoneage Dinosaurs

An aid worker asks an impoverished Malawian family where he can get proper fish and chips round here.