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August 15, 2022, 02:12:48 AM

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Desolation: The Malignant Seven

Started by Ferris, February 21, 2022, 03:00:48 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Stoneage Dinosaurs

A convicted flasher attempts to beat the land speed record on a mouldy tricycle

Stoneage Dinosaurs

A grotty bloke films an elaborate solo wanking video with a proper storyline, script, characters, everything. He opens Pornhub to upload it but ultimately decides against it

Chicory

Slowly ripped to bits by the skerry's resident dickhead tern.

Glebe

Robert Downey Jnr. goes bankrupt and ends up doing donkey rides on Blackpool Beach to make ends meet. There's an element of schadenfreude that would amuse some, but the sight of him arguing with the donkeys is just heartbreaking.

Glebe

Just as switch the bedroom light off, all the neighbours lean out their windows and shout "STOP PLAYING WITH YOURSELF YOU SAD WANKER!"

Ferris

A boomer in a golf shirt pushes in front of you for the jukebox and slides a £50 into the slot. You don't see every song he selects, but it's basically all Grand Funk Railroad.

Glebe

Your favourite lunchtime park bench is bulldozed to make way for an establishment tentatively named The Shittiest Arse.

Joe Qunt

You engage in emotional frottage with the manager of your local Polish supermarket.

"We stop. It's sore."

Shut the fuck up.


shoulders

#668
A throng of cloven-hoofed dead-eyes gather around the freshly crowned Potato King, Martin Lewis, preparing their sewer-bound tributes, grey of jowel - the benighted, both ashen and awestruck.

A conveyor flatulates into action. First up, a McDonald's discount just legible on a shat-through bus receipt. Dreams of Albion stunned with an insect gun and held captive in a fat plastic egg. An effigy of Craptain Tom Moore that belts out 'BRITAIN' when headbutted. A partially gestated foetus with an all body Leave.EU tattoo. An imagined map of the Isle of Wight 'if there were no blacks there' drawn in biro. Seven (battery) eggy soldiers dipped in union jack yolk. Economy pig holocorpse bacon spelling out Lions of England on a Love Island duvet cover. Proof of purchase of a bag of table salt. Driver 3 on PS2. Someone's gall bladder. A toblerone of the Sphinx. Teletext screenshot with an arrow and key labelled 'when thing weres better'. A plague pit of Chelsea Pensioners scattered with model spitfires, glued and painted by a presentable selection of Britain's bravest lepers. The comminuted blood of grazed knees, electrocuted infants, mangled bulldog faces unhewn in a barefist fight to the death outside Leominster Heron for the tasty lung from a healthy paedophile and the untimely nosebleed of a bestiality veteran.

As England's Lion John Terry comperes, belting out Jerusalem off-key into the left channel, Martin, King Of Spuds commands his prating savers to "turn those frowns upside down with a killer deal on cash ISAs that have a potential max yield of £84 a year, straight in the pocket of Britain's working people". Billy Bragg is located and lynched. A feral kitchen inspector condemns a disused quarry to the effect of nothing. A sniggering ferret gnawing through a cassette tape of Candle In The Wind in a layby has the answer to it all drilled with a to-scale sex machine up its colon. The ragged message: 'jumbo sausage chips wrapped up boss'.

Glebe

Craig David orders a Big Mac in Denby.

Glebe

You wake up naked in a ditch in Rotherham with Rolf Harris' face tattooed on your frenulum.

Glebe

Ian Duncan Smith shoves you at a urinal.

Glebe

The ghost of George Michael strangles all twelve of your child support sprogs.

batwings

Your bum doctor wants to see other people.

batwings

A West Country vivisectionist has her box room converted so she can work from home.

dex

You crash into the back of a Chrysler on the M18. The other party is Jim Davidson. You exchange details and both have to wait for recovery on the hard shoulder. It's a 90 minute eta and Jim has new material to share with you...

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: Glebe on August 04, 2022, 06:24:26 PMThe ghost of George Michael strangles all twelve of your child support sprogs.

Fuck me, this one got me good

jenna appleseed


Glebe

During your check up, you overhear your doctor mutter "phimotic frenulum..."

shoulders

Going to work on zero sleep because you spent all night perfecting a comedy racist Asian accent.

Ferris

You discuss inventing a political philosophy called "Meta-Centrism" during an interview with the Guardian.

Chicory

Shit divining in a poorly lit substation.

Glebe

A fly-ridden Guernsey newsagent in the '70s, where a rabid bulldog is chewing your anus off.

shoulders

Your male grooming company Herod of Shaves folds shortly after its first year accounts are submitted.

Glebe

Rumpole of the Bailey convicts you of bumming in Gloucester's most depressing courthouse.

Chicory

The only precipitation you experience all summer is the Sarsonsy rain dripping down from the decomposing arse crack of an unloved scaffoldsman flopped 23 feet heavenwards.

pancreas

Your electric toothbrush is confiscated by the council and everybody knows exactly why.

Ferris

Grandad leaves it all to Dobbies Garden centre - Shrewsbury.

Sex Wax

Relentless belt-tightening has forced your arthritic parents to sustain themselves with what they call 'motorway greens'.

shoulders

Your line manager climbs into the desk on all fours, purrs like a cat and tells you that your quarterly performance review is shagadelic baby!