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March 28, 2024, 03:37:12 PM

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well my brother is dead

Started by Luornu, July 16, 2022, 01:33:57 PM

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Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead

Quote from: Johnny Yesno on August 10, 2022, 04:38:08 PMWord of warning: I used to drink litres of the stuff and it fucked my teeth. Turns out it's as acidic as orange juice.
Really? Whoa, hat teeth fucked. I'd just assumed that if there was no sugar involved, I'd be fine. No wonder my top jaw in particular is like a Tim Burton graveyard.

New page in a glass at the side of the bed.



Johnny Yesno

Quote from: Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead on August 10, 2022, 06:50:20 PMReally? Whoa, hat teeth fucked. I'd just assumed that if there was no sugar involved, I'd be fine. No wonder my top jaw in particular is like a Tim Burton graveyard.

Hmm. I could have sworn when I googled around to check previously, the common wisdom was that it's as acidic as orange juice. That's why I gave it up. When I check now (some years later), though, I see that there's little evidence that the carbonic acid in carbonated water is acidic enough to damage tooth enamel. I guess my fucked teeth must be down to brushing too hard after all.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20150911-is-sparkling-water-really-bad-for-you

I guess that's a crumb of good news, then.

Crenners

I tend to think that if it were all genuinely pointless, the species would have died out. It isn't. It just feels like it is at times, along a continuum.

Meaningful - to me - doesn't mean 'there is an overarching meaning and purpose and plan to existence'. If that is at all true, it's certainly ineffably so, else someone much more intelligent and spiritually attuned than me would have figured it out. Maybe they have and we've forgotten but seeking an unattainable past is even more vain. I accept that we never have and never will understand the official 'meaning' of existence.

I'm an Absurdist at heart, and happy and liberated to create my own meaning. In fact, that to me is the beauty of life and existence. You can shape it with complete freedom. You can't necessarily change circumstance but you can shape the parameters of your beliefs. The idea of deified parameters and context for our momentary existence sounds utterly terrifying and meaningless to me. We're not bound by a leash. We can walk wherever we choose.

Luornu

Hello again! Thanks for the ideas re philosophers, I might well look into them, they sound interesting. I have to say I was in a very negative mindset last night (you could tell couldn't you? no it wasn't obvious at all was it...). I've decided that I will give those things I was furious about a try. I don't think I've got anything to lose so I may as well. I don't think I'll lose anything even if I don't gain anything? Does that make sense well anyway.

All of your ideas you guys have been discussing are interesting. I'm very grateful for all your inputs!

I was worried about carbonated water but I did read a page from some american dentist site that said that the extra acidic content from the carbonation is negligible. Oh I hope so! I can tell you that I have managed to phase out the fizzies a lot, but I still wobble a bit (however if I don't give them up it will be my teeth that will be wobbling...aggh). Trouble is I don't like the taste of water very much, (contrary to recieved wisdom it does have a taste,it's kind of a sour sort of taste) but perhaps it's just a matter of acclimatising yourself.

I do know I had kind of conditioned myself to only feel my thirst quenched by the bad acidic stuff so I suppose I must condition myself out of it (easier said than done ha I think I have come a long way though) I have been drinking ice tea more, that still has acid and sugar in it so it's not great but it's not as bad as cola and that (feels like it's more 'watery' and less 'sugary', maybe I'm fooling myself but it feels not as bad) well anyway fizzy drinks aren't as dangerous as heroin or something but they really are addictive.

Guess I should be glad I never got addicted to the really dangerous stuff then. Seems I might have a bit of an addictive personality maybe?

I want to keep fighting, but it's not always easy. Seems a lot of the time the enemy is myself.

Luornu

Also I now have a bit of a cough and the beginnings of a sore throat, some disgusting man at Wood Lane tube station walked past me and sneezed violently and sprayed mucus everywhere, I know because I felt some land on my arm, it was mega disgusting. And now I'm worried I've caught a cold.

If so I have no paid a price for my infernal wanderlust. Dammit! Who just sneezes their pestilent snot like that among people and not make any attempt to cover their nose or mouth?

Now I'm all furious and concerned. Should have carried on wearing those face masks. Godammit.

bgmnts

Quote from: Crenners on August 10, 2022, 07:10:09 PMI tend to think that if it were all genuinely pointless, the species would have died out. It isn't.

How do you get to that conclusion?

Johnny Yesno

Quote from: Crenners on August 10, 2022, 07:10:09 PMI'm an Absurdist at heart, and happy and liberated to create my own meaning.

Me too. It was reading Camus that got me there. It doesn't make the pain of existence go away but embracing the meaninglessness of life, and not in a nihilistic way, has helped me know what it is I want to do about it.

I'm still failing hard, obviously, but failing at the things that are important to me.

Crenners

Quote from: bgmnts on August 11, 2022, 10:29:26 AMHow do you get to that conclusion?

Most reductively: If people didn't find meaning in the act of reproduction or eating food, they wouldn't reproduce and they would die of starvation. There are innumerable more complex and sophisticated examples but this addresses that quoted sentence most directly.

My point is more that the question itself is absurd. 'The thing which gives life meaning' is not the so-called 'meaning of life', whatever ineffable conception that may be. Even if there is no 'meaning of life', all around us we can see and experience that 'life has meaning' for the vast majority of people who have ever lived.

As I say, though, it's a continuum and at times we all struggle to see or find meaning in our own daily life but that's a question of individual perspective and circumstance. Nevertheless, even if you are in complete despair, it's not true that 'there is no meaning' because other people experience it at that same moment. That may not be much comfort and may even reinforce the despair for some people, but it refutes the idea that 'life has no meaning'.

When I say 'find meaning', though, I don't mean in an outcome-oriented way which I think can often lead to despair. I mean in terms of how you live day to day as well as your place in the universe. Space is unfathomably vast and unknowable, oh no, but my rightful place is sitting on my comfy chair with my cat on my lap. I am both simultaneously completely insignificant and also fundamental to my cat's happiness and existence, as she is to mine. I enjoy those yin yang notions, it's a good reminder that meaning is a question of perspective. For some context, my outlook changed when I read and started thinking a lot about Taoism some years ago, which I would encourage but I won't go into any more now.

Edit: Nice one @Johnny Yesno that spoke to me. And same here with old Bert. X

Luornu

Yeah so I was reminded about a friend of mine from when I was a child. I was reminded of this when I went to the old road where my family lived before I was born, on that day I passed by the site where my friend died.

His name was Richard, he died in a building collapse in 1995 at the age of 21. There was negligence (he was working on a building site) but no one was ever held accountable. Such a waste. I knew him and his identical twin brother when we were kids. I knew about his death at the time and I was sad about it but it's now when I feel so desolate that I'm reminded of it and it hits me.

All my life I've run away from things, it was always the only way I knew to protect myself. I was friends with Richard and his brother, they were my friends and they actually wanted to be with me. One day they said or did something or one of them did and I can't remember what it was now, probably something really trivial. And I refused to talk to them again I just withdrew. And I realise now that I must have really hurt them

Their older sister came after me to demand why and she didn't like what I said so she physically attacked me. This of course made me feel much worse and even more hermity. She got into trouble for that and I think she sent me some flowers or something as an apology. I didn't like their older sister she was a grown up and she was scary.

I now realise I must have hurt them very much and I am so sorry. I was a child and running away was the only thing I knew to protect myself and I was traumatised by the bullying. I feel so sad now, because there ain't anyone wants to be my friend now. They did want to be my friend and I did that. I don't even remember why.

Obviously they must have thought I was a terrible person.

I hardly ever had any friends in my life and one of the rare times someone wanted to be my friend I did that to them.

I feel very guilty. Richard's brother is still alive, I found him on 192.com, well anyway he probably doesn't remember me. And I very much doubt he would want to be bothered by me not that I know his exact address.

I find myself going across the road to their old house, in some weird way I think I'll go there and find them again. Of course they aren't.

I still remember Richard, in my mind he's still about 9 or 10 and he's as alive as he ever was. He's been gone for 27 years. His brother must have been devastated. They were always together.

I wish I could tell him how sorry I am.

That's just what's devastating me today. They're gone, so gone and only a few fragments of memory left to let me know they were real.

Glebe

Sorry to hear that Luornu. I obsess about the past a lot, even though it's not really productive. By the way how's that cough?

Luornu

well it's good news about the cough, I didn't catch anything after all, I was just being a hypochondriac. So I guess we will call off the pitchforks and torches. But still ew gross and so on.

It's really difficult because it's been heatwavy again this week. I want to get out of the house and be distracted but I have to stay in because of the heat. Well it's difficult.

I did go out today, It was bloody hot. I've been hanging about outside the house where my friends the twins lived. Had a weird idea I'll go there and I'll find them again. Just like I thought if I went to the old road I'd find my family again, I mean I know I wouldn't really. But...I want them all back. I wish I could have them back again,

I don't know, I've barely thought of Richard and his brother in all this time, although I never forgot them completely. It's just that I passed the place where he died two weeks ago and I rememembered. I don't remember what it was that made me not want to play with them anymore and run away. Something must have upset me but I have no memory whatsoever what it was.

I wish I'd stayed in touch with them. I hurt them by running away. Just like I did with my brother. They were a very close family you know, they must have been devastated when he died.

I'm not sure why this wave of grief and regret is overwhelming me now 27 years later. He's gone and his brother though he is still in this world is gone. Just like my brothers are gone. They've all gone and I'm still here.

I can't escape this place.

Glebe

Yeah this heat is oppressive. Keep getting out and about though Luornu. I've felt exhausted lately but I'm gonna make meself go for a walk today.

Luornu

Hey Glebe!

It is indeed, I'm just about sick of this ruddy heatwave! Ah an understatement. An understatement and a half. I can report that I have been struggling a bit this weekend. Can't contact anyone because weekend and I really want to be out of the house and distracting myself but can't because ridiculously fiery inferno of fiery doom-athon-wave.

I have been going out early like 7am kind of time, 6am time, unthinkable for me to get up this early. But with the grief-associated anxiety I find it very hard to sleep. The heat and my dear thoughtful brain torturing me with all my mistakes.

what I'm going through with my friend Richard, it's a thing called 'delayed grief' and it is apparently common that a bereavement will trigger other repressed grief episodes. For all these years I never confronted the terrible mistake I made with Richard and his brother who were never anything but kind to me. But I was a child who I now realise probably had pstd because of the bullying I'd been through and it was very hard for me to trust and to handle any conflict which will always happen in any relationships and...

I've now confronted the terrible awful mistake I made then and I think it has removed some blockage in me. But a terrible price. I think perhaps I can move on from here. But such sadness. The choices I made then were not the ones I would make now. I realise now that you can't run away and push people away in some misguided attempt to protect yourself, you pay such a terrible terrible price for it.

Richard was such a good and kind person, now the only image apart from my clouded memories is a badly photocopied image of him in a photocopied archive image of the Staines and Ashford news. He is an adult in that photo I knew him when he was a boy of 11 or 12. That whole part of his life I missed, and I so wish I could have shared more of his life'

Like my brother G., he was precious and totally irreplaceable in this world. There is no one like him. I read in the news archives what the vicar said at his funeral about how affectionate he was and he was!I remember Richard and I rememember his warmth and he was such a good person.

Please forgive my self indulgence about this CAB\\

His name was Richard Barnes, he was my friend, no one was ever held accountable I now find for the negligence that lead to his death and that of three others and I know those three others were loved as much as Richard was. And it is so senseless and sad

The church where his funeral was is very near to me I pass it all the time I want to go there I want to say goodbye to him but the mourners have departed 27 years ago, it is a lonely thing this delayed grief

https://www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/nostalgia/ashford-office-block-1995-tragedy-9800120

please forgive my self indulgence about this. Please take a moment to remember Richard, he was such a good person and he didn't deserve what happened, his family who were so close didn't deserve it.

August 14 would have been his 49th birthday He has been in my thoughts a lot today, wanted to go out to buy water cos have to to survive had to go back to the house of ghosts and regrets because heat.....it sucks

Luornu

hey all,

three days of obsessive mourning and anxiety attacks culminated in what I think was an actual full blown panic attack combined with a stress relate migraine so it's like...mind melting headache and agnosing nausea, can't hardly walk have to get to the sink to throw up, barely have the energy. meanwhile room getting hotter, sweating like a pig, I'm just a slippery sweat dumpling at this point, finally when the pain subsides a little I get downstairs to lie on the floor where it's cool, and about 10 minutes ago I threw up all over the floor. It's okay tho, it was mostly water because I've eaten very little over the last three days. Cleaned up very easily with a tea towel that was handily lying around. feel a bit better now

Long story short I've realised that I really should stop torturing myself. Can't change the past can only learn from it,

Not going into great details here but I've also had a spiritual proof that my dead loved ones aren't truly gone. I mean I'm interested in metaphysics and parapsychology and stuff and it pertains to that. CAB probably isn't the best place to discuss such stuff though but needless to say I think they aren't truly gone and I am pretty convinced of it.

Like I say I think a blockage has been removed. I hope I can start a new beginning.

Like we said at the beginning of this thread, hope is a great thing and we should trust in it

thanks.

Glebe

Hope you're feeling better Luornu. It's funny how thinks can feel so bleak but all things must pass as they say. There's always another chance.

Luornu

deleted because too personal

Luornu


Luornu

Quote from: Luornu on August 15, 2022, 09:33:46 AMhey all,

three days of obsessive mourning and anxiety attacks culminated in what I think was an actual full blown panic attack combined with a stress relate migraine so it's like...mind melting headache and agnosing nausea, can't hardly walk have to get to the sink to throw up, barely have the energy. meanwhile room getting hotter, sweating like a pig, I'm just a slippery sweat dumpling at this point, finally when the pain subsides a little I get downstairs to lie on the floor where it's cool, and about 10 minutes ago I threw up all over the floor. It's okay tho, it was mostly water because I've eaten very little over the last three days. Cleaned up very easily with a tea towel that was handily lying around. feel a bit better now

Long story short I've realised that I really should stop torturing myself. Can't change the past can only learn from it,


Like we said at the beginning of this thread, hope is a great thing and we should trust in it

thanks.

Luornu


Luornu

Quote from: Luornu on August 15, 2022, 09:33:46 AMhey all,

three days of obsessive mourning and anxiety attacks culminated in what I think was an actual full blown panic attack combined with a stress relate migraine so it's like...mind melting headache and agnosing nausea, can't hardly walk have to get to the sink to throw up, barely have the energy. meanwhile room getting hotter, sweating like a pig, I'm just a slippery sweat dumpling at this point, finally when the pain subsides a little I get downstairs to lie on the floor where it's cool, and about 10 minutes ago I threw up all over the floor. It's okay tho, it was mostly water because I've eaten very little over the last three days. Cleaned up very easily with a tea towel that was handily lying around. feel a bit better now

Long story short I've realised that I really should stop torturing myself. Can't change the past can only learn from it

Like we said at the beginning of this thread, hope is a great thing and we should trust in it

thanks.

Glebe

Hope you're doing okay Luornu.

Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead

How are you keeping, @Luornu ? It's been a while since we heard from you.

Glebe


Luornu

Hi all

I haven't been on because, well there's no un-blunt way to put this, I went into psychosis (my first episode of such) as a result of the trauma from finding out about my brother's death and I got sectioned. I've been in a mental hospital since august 23 until September 13. With no access to the internet. This is the first day I've felt up to posting again since the grogginess from the medication wore off

Those posts I deleted were stuff I posted when early in psychosis and I got the horrors about them, I wish I hadn't deleted them, I wasn't quite in control of myself when I did, now I wonder what it was I wrote in them.

Being sectioned was what you might call a challenging experience but at the same time it wasn't quite as bad as you might think. I made friends and experienced community in the hospital now I'm back I'm missing the friends I made.

That bit about being sure about life after death? Unfortunately that was my auditory hallucinations which in my vulnerable state at the time I was believing in wholeheartedly

However I will say, and I know that's not fashionable on cab, I do still believe in an afterlife,(due to things like NDE research and the reincarnation research of Ian Stevenson)but....I thought my brother was talking to me and it was just my psychosis

Anyway I'm back, thankyou for your concern everyone i do appreciate it

Nice to see you back, and I'm glad to hear there were positives from your time in the hospital. Are you receiving some continuing support now that you're back at home?

RE: your deleted posts, maybe @Barry Admin can help retrieve them?

Luornu

I was wondering the same thing! about the deleted posts...Barry if you're reading this, is it at all possible to restore the posts? I do think it's a bit of a shame I got the Horrors and deleted them, as I say I don't quite remember what I actually wrote in them now, but I think I got very paranoid in my psychosis (stuff about my late friend Richard's family reading the posts and getting very angry with me because they would think I wouldn't have the right to be sad about his fate because I wasn't that close a friend or something like that)

i am getting visits from something called the 'home care team' which mostly manifests in nice ladies getting a bit sniffy and judgy about how messy my house is a lot. Also I am having fun looking up my new medication on the internets and being told it's going to damage my brain and give me parkinsons disease, so that's fun. (apparently it isn't actually)

Risperidone it's called, I asked today is it so that after one episode of psychosis that means I'm at risk of another unless I stick to the medication? And I was told yes. That I don't have schizophrenia yet, but I'm at risk of developing it if I have further psychotic episodes.

So it looks like I'm going to be taking these for the rest of my life. Well that's a thing.

Dex Sawash


Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead

Welcome back! Thanks for the update - it sounds like you've been through the wringer, and no mistake. I'm glad to hear you have ongoing support, although that sounds like it is also presenting challenges. Here's to your continuing recovery.

monkfromhavana


Glebe

Welcome back Luorno, hope you're feeling better.