Poem for Funeral

[WestHill]

I've been asked to select a poem for thefuneral of an elderly relative (grandad) by my in-laws because apparently I'm 'literary' (I just got lucky with previous selections for weddings).

They want something with a bit of humour.

So far I think Michael Ashby's Long Cup of Tea is the best I've got:

Death is too negative for me,
So I'll be popping off
For a long cup of tea.
Do splash out
On two bags in the pot,
And for my god's sake
Keep the water hot.
Please pick the biggest mug
You can find,
Because size really does matter
At this time.
I'll pass on the Lapsang,
With that Souchong
And that stuff with bergamot,
And stick with my favourite friend,
You know the English breakfast blend.
Breakfast! thanks for reminding me
There's just time before I fail
To stand on ceremony
(Two rashers of best smoked back
Should keep me smelling sweet
Up the smoke stack)
So, mother, put the kettle on for me
It's time, mother, for my long cup of tea.


Any ideas?

[Twit 2]

If you've a decent local library, there will probably be a "poems for funerals" type collection, which you can riffle through. Eg. "The Picador book of funeral poems".

[bgmnts]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
This cunt's now dead,
Soon you'll be too.

Amen.

[Twit 2]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
This cunt's now dead,
Soon you'll be too.

Amen.

mate

[WestHill]

Thanks Twit 2!

[bgmnts]

For the record OP, your grandad obv isn't a cunt. Was just doing a jokey poem as a general thing to say at any funeral.

As for an actual poem, reading that stuff would upset me but you could traditional with Do Not Go Gentle by Dylan Thomas or Do Not Stand At My Grave by Mary Elizabeth Frye

[Twit 2]

Do not go gentle is shit, though.

[studpuppet]

Actually a song rather than a poem (substitute grandpa in for father):

The wheel fell off the 'earse
The coffin fell out in the rain
The mourners poked their heads out
And cried, "Ain't it a shame!"
The widow she leered at the driver
And tears stirred in her eyes
"Oh what has my poor old man done to you,
That you don't let him rest when he dies."

They're moving father's grave to build a sewer
They're moving it regardless of expense.
They're moving his remains
To lay down nine-inch drains
And irrigate some rich bloke's residence.

Now what's the use of having a religion?
If when you're dead you cannot get some peace
'Cause some society chap
Wants a pipeline for his crap
And moves you from your place of rest and peace...

Now father in his life was not a quitter
And I'm sure that he'll not be a quitter now.
And in his winding sheet
He will haunt that privy seat
And only let them go when he'll allow.

Now won't there be some bleedin' consternation,
And won't those city toffs begin to rave!
But it's no more than they deserve,
'Cause they had the bleedin' nerve
To muck about with a British workman's grave.

[SweetPomPom]

Bob knows what he's doing.

MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER

If I had my life to live over,
I'd dare to make more mistakes,
I'd not be so uptight,
I'd risk more, go out on a limb,
I would take longer walks,
And feed the ducks in the park.
I'd wear thicker socks.
I would eat more ice cream.
More ice cream and a better brand of ice cream.
With a higher fat count.
Gourmet ice creams.
In fact, I'd stick mostly to gelatos.
I would notice every bird
And give it a name
And write that name in a tiny notebook.
But let me return to the issue of ice cream.
I wouldn't just eat national brands, I would travel the countryside
Eating the regional equivalent of premium ice creams.
And if I were eating ice cream with you, I would steal yours when you looked away
If you never looked away, I would badger you through the entire feast
"Are you going to finish that? Are you done? I'll finish it if you aren't."
Until you gave in.
For, you see,
I have been one of those people
Who eats an entire box of "lite" ice cream with fewer calories,
Who orders three scoops of ice cream, but says, "make one of them sorbet"
Who offers to share the "death by chocolate"dessert
I have bought and eaten an entire box of dietetic ice cream sandwiches
In one sitting. Many times.
What was I thinking? I should have just gotten the regular kind of ice cream sandwiches.
I have even eaten shitty popsicles when Haagen Dazs was available.
I did that twice. Believe me, I remember.
And I have, too often, passed on that second Dove bar.
But if I had to do it over again,
I would eat even more,
And, I can't re-state this enough,
A higher fat count.
In fact, forget that stuff I said at the top about walking in the park and feeding ducks,
And the bird-naming dealy,
I wouldn't waste any time not eating more ice cream.
That's what I would do. I'm sure of it.
(But I do stand by the "thicker socks" comment.)

[Ferris]

I've always wanted this one at my "he's dead"'shindig because it speaks to the (alive) people in the room on my behalf:

Is it too obvious? I don't care, I'll escape that criticism in the back of a hearse.

[WestHill]

Thanks all- great suggestions!

Don't worry bgmnts, I took it in the spirit it was meant :)

[ZoyzaSorris]

Eggdillis 9 is surely the failsafe backup in these scenarios?