Co-workers you miss

[Ferris]

More stories of retail: The lad who got catfished to the tune of £10k but told all the customers beforehand that his "missus was coming to visit next week"

wasn't a cunt, just horribly, horribly naive. poor fucker

Yeah but the 10k put my son through 4 terms of private school so alls well that ends well.

[Alberon]

Pete. This was back in the days when we were both technicians in a university.

He had a policy of doing a job so badly that he wouldn't be asked again. He was asked to build a shelf unit out of speedframe once (a square tube system you cut to length and joined together using various angled joints). He managed to bodge it to such a degree that no shelf was flat. But those were the days when it was bloody hard to get fired or even reprimanded.

He was best known for selling dirty videos around the uni. This was pre-internet days obviously. It would be fun when someone would turn up wanting to ask about a video and we'd hang around apparently oblivious to what was going on. He'd keep them in a cupboard in one of the lecture theatres.

Retired over twenty years ago, so must be dead by now.

[Mr Eggs]

Nidge. Ex-army

We had an ex-army Nigel. Obsessed with cable ties and putting things in sets/bundles "For ease of movement later". Had to either be micro managed in his daily life or given total command.

John. Almost certainly spent 20 years doing fuck all. Groomed a staff member more than half is age and fucked off with her when he got sacked. Suspected of horrible crimes of a Savile nature but no evidence.

Ste. Lovely bloke. Too stupid to walk and use a mobile phone at the same time. Has NPTC basic chainsaw licence.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

The roadrunner, aka 'meep-meep', a middle-aged lady who would charge around on various administrative tasks at astonishing speed, and with such unwavering focus that you'd have to slalom out of her path to avoid being knocked to the floor and trampled into the carpet. There was one particularly long corridor where she could up a truly frightening degree of momentum - many newcomers got caught out failing to exercise the necessary degree of vigilance in that corridor, let me tell you.

[Mr_Simnock]

I miss a certain colleague all the time, I last saw them at the staff do a month or 2 ago and all the feelings came back, glad they sat next to me and we talked for ages during it, the sort of person who makes you feel amazing when you're lucky enough to get a hug from them

[lgpmachine]

Worked with a bloke called Keith for about a year when I was doing my electrical apprenticeship.  Really easy going and patient, always took time to explain new concepts.  Taught me a lot about practical work as a craft and taking pride in it as well.  I remember he was hand building a kayak from wood when I knew him, saw it in progress and it was a really impressive project.  Properly funny guy too, had hundreds of anecdotes about his past life and an entertaining way of telling them.

I think he was the first person I'd worked with who was keen to get home as soon as we'd finished for the day as well, compared to the other electricians I'd worked with who always inevitably went back to the yard for some pointless standing around waiting until the 'official' clocking off time before disappearing.  There was a brilliant period when we were working locally on a fairly easy contract where it was a disappointment if you were home later than 14:30.

He was in his mid-fifties but had only recently learned to swim, so sometimes when work was slack we'd just disappear to the local pool for an hour or so.

He had a spectacular accident during a rewire job.  We'd just got a large section of chipboard floor up above the kitchen and Keith was walking back across the joists when he missed his footing and ended up dangling in mid-air, as he'd managed to catch onto the joists as he fell, legs swinging in the kitchen below.  I was able to pull him back up into the bedroom but virtually the entire kitchen ceiling had come down as a result.  The occupants were out at the time too but took it in pretty good humour when they returned.

He left the company to move back to his old firm and unfortunately got made redundant after six months or so as they lost quite a bit of work.  This was about fifteen years ago so I imagine he's been retired for a while now.  Hopefully he's doing well and enjoying himself.

[badaids]

I'd love to know what happened to Simon Walker who worked with me at Sainsbury's on Saturdays in the early 90s.  The uniform was turd brown drape coats and flared trousers in those days.  Simon had long hair, massive chop sideburns and was about 2-3 years older than me.  He looked like he should have been in Supergrass and was cool as fuck.  He spent his time lairing up the managers, smoking silk cut and wise cracking.  I'll never forget the time when we were all refused our tea-break to do a stock check and he climbed on top of some shelves and started chanting TEA TIME TEA TIME TEA TIME and jeering at the cunt of a store manager.  Would love to know where he ended up.

Also in an office job Ian, who was in his 50s and has done the same civil service job for 30 years, never married, no kids, still lived at home with his mother, his Dad died when he was a little nipper.  Got nervous and his hands shook if you ever asked him to do anything slightly outside his lane.  We had an office to ourself and i'd put on music - for some reason, he could name any national anthem or movie theme you put on within about 3 seconds.  He didn't know why or how he coudl do it, he had no interest in music or films.  Most days I used to put on songs and make up obscene lyrics to make him blush.  On one occasion I was singing along to You Win Again by the Bee Gees but replacing those words with 'My Ball Bag'.  As usual I tried to get him to pick up the reins of ad-libbing some lyrics, something he was always to shy to do.  On this one and only occasion he stood up and started singing in a dainty but forceful voice 'LICK UP MY CUM, LICK UP CUM!' and huffing his arms up and down.  I was speechless. His eyed widened and he went red and sat down. 

[Famous Mortimer]

This bloke John I worked with at a records centre. Two massive warehouses, floor to ceiling with boxes of local government records. Piece of piss, you just had to grab a thing and either put it in the internal mail or scan it and email it, then put it back when you were done. I had a little stereo on my cart, so I'd listen to the radio all day. Just a lovely job, which I'd happily still be doing now if it paid well.

Anyway, John would constantly tell me to work less hard, and this was when I'd often find a corner where I couldn't be seen and sit and read a book for half an hour a couple of times a day. "How much slower do you want me to work, John", I'd say. "It's this or just grind to a complete halt".

He'd been there pretty much all his working life. He often fumed about a new computer system (that was already there when I arrived) and longed for the previous way of doing things. One day, I found out that the program he hated with such a fiery passion had been in place for 18 years!

When I left for a job which paid much more, the boss told me that they paid him a fortune and she'd even offered to sign him off on long-term sick leave, so she could transfer his pay to a different budget and hire someone useful to replace him (while apologising she couldn't offer me more to stay). I presume he's still there now, walking very slowly round the warehouse and being avoided by all his co-workers.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Dave 1's tooth fell out as he was talking to me. Mortified I pointed at it, but he didn't break his stride, picked it up and threw it into the bin. When he finished what he was talking about, he looked spitefully over at the bin

Fucking things

He said

[dontpaintyourteeth]

Gary. Didn't eat cake. Tried it once. Didn't like it.

[holdover]

There are 2 that I would like to see again and apologise to.

Sandra - I had a temp job covering her while she was off recovering from a mastectomy. She would have been in her late 50s. I was in my early 20s. While she was off the system she used was replaced and so I had to stick around for a month or so to train her up when she came back to work.

She was a lovely woman. Quite a quiet wee soul and we got on really well. She didn't really get on with the other lady who was in team who was a lazy bully and so was very happy to sit and chat with me during quiet times. She opened up about her recovery and how it had affected her and her husband. I remember she told a story of how, when she had first lost her hair due to the chemo, her husband had picked up her wig and popped it on his own bald head in an attempt to cheer her up and how that had just made things worse.

She hadn't been looking forward to coming back to work and had lost a lot of confidence. It was a pleasure to show her the new system and to reassure her and to watch her confidence return. On my last day she asked that I would come back to visit the next time I was back in Aberdeen. I promised I would knowing there was zero chance of me doing that as the very idea of entering an old workplace like that filled me with anxiety.

I still feel bad I never kept in touch.


There was another. I had a summer job sorting letters at Royal Mail in my teens. There was a chap who started the same day though he was going to be permanent. Neil his name was. He was in his mid 20s. We got on really well, similar sense of humour and we bonded over a love of music. He introduced me to Ivor Cutler and Tom Waits but could never convince me about Paul Weller. We'd swap mix tapes.

I'd made him a C90 of Mike Nesmith Monkees songs which I'd been evangelising but forgot to bring it in on my last day and so made plans to meet him the following day at the entrance before he clocked in for his afternoon shift. But that morning me and some pals necked some mushrooms and I forgot all about it.

It wasn't till a month or so later that I bumped into another colleague who surprised me (this guy was a gruff grumpy guy) by asking why I'd never shown up and who told me that Neil had been quite hurt that I'd ghosted him. And also that Neil had just been diagnosed with leukaemia.

So yeah. If I could meet these folk again and apologise for being a shitty person that'd be great.

[dontpaintyourteeth]

the guy who said his son was the "David Beckham of Thailand"

[JamesTC]

Just remembered the girl who was talking about this new Netflix show she was watching called "Money Heest".

EDIT: Now I've remembered a guy who thought the Netflix film 6 Underground was called Gunderground because of how it was stylised on the poster. He also once referred to the star of School of Rock as "Black Jack" which really tickled me.

[Cloud]

When I worked for a charity (unfortunately unsustainable - both the charity and the pay) I used to go to the pub willingly with the two guys I worked with.  Sound, kind hearted and down to earth people, as the organisation attracted. I miss that kind of work

[Cuellar]

None. Never worked with anyone of any interest whatsoever, good or bad, no total arsehole psychos, no 100% legends great banter madmen/women, no one even slightly annoying, no one even slightly appealing, just grey toilet dreck sludge ooze heap.

There was a guy who was a furry but I don't miss him.

[PlanktonSideburns]

None. Never worked with anyone of any interest whatsoever, good or bad, no total arsehole psychos, no 100% legends great banter madmen/women, no one even slightly annoying, no one even slightly appealing, just grey toilet dreck sludge ooze heap.

There was a guy who was a furry but I don't miss him.

What line of work are you in

[Cuellar]

Piss ombudsman

[Sherringford Hovis]

I was introduced to this place by a colleague (technically my boss for about a third of the work I was doing at the time) who no longer posts here. (I know he lurks occasionally though. Hope you're getting enough kip what with the nice chap turning up, old fruit.)

TWENTY ONE YEARS AGO.

[katzenjammer]

The guy who ironed his knob