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August 09, 2022, 01:47:52 AM

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Co-workers you miss

Started by non capisco, August 05, 2022, 11:55:27 PM

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Sebastian Cobb

I can't think of any who have done anything remarkable, just a handful of people I've been on the same wavelength with and enjoyed talking bollocks with and when one of us has left there's been a bit of a void.

It did bother me a bit when one of the above people moved to another company and we ended up using that companies services for hosting stuff so they popped in for a consultation and they didn't bother saying hello, despite it being the same layout, my colleagues could've said they were about too but didn't.

I've had other customers clock me and waddle over and have a friendly chat like I'm a long lost-friend when they were visiting from Ireland when I switched teams and no longer had anything to do with them so it's not like it was unheard of.


Quote from: dontpaintyourteeth on August 06, 2022, 12:20:37 AMThe woman who had aunt bessies yorkshire puddings with every meal and also insisted on saying "heighdth" and not "height"

I knew a guy who did this! He was in his early 20s.


Yorkshire puddings are great though. I'll go to any lengdths to have one.


This lad Liam I worked at the bank with.  We were both bottom rung cashier scum, and both took the job about as seriously as each other (not very).  I'd been there about 3 years when he joined, he was about 21 and just looking for any old shit temp thing after he finished uni, and I was about 27 and had intended it to be a 6 month stop gap - I'd been unemployed for a few months after leaving a significantly better paid job and a recruiter phoned me up while I was hungover in my then girlfriends bed while she was at work.  Lol yeah sound I'll be a cashier.

We were both pretty good at chatting to the customers and doing basic servicing, and were well liked by the punters, but absolutely hopeless at the boring procedural stuff like balancing our tills and dealing with the ATMs and shit. Was alright cus we just pissed about all day, chatting about football and stuff, and there were enough sensible people to deal with the more procedural stuff.

One morning we were really short staffed so the two of us had to go round the back secured area and balance all three self service machines - take all the cash, £20k or so in each, and use the note counting machines to balance them. Was an absolute shit show, it was about a minute before opening time when we were supposed to come out and serve customers, and we'd only got to the second machine, and the pile of about £8ks worth of 20s we'd just counted just slowly fell of the side in comedy slow motion. We just absolutely pissed ourselves, before spending about half an hour searching under desks and shit for all the cash. It all somehow ended up accounted for, but we didn't finish until about an hour later than we should have done. We still reminisce about the notes flying everywhere now 5 years later.

Another day he had gone to the darts the night before, had about 20 pints, loads of cheap beak, and was informed he was manning the sole non-automated cashier desk. Poor guy whispered to me, like homer after all the cheese, "I think I'm blind". Enjoyed needlessly sending most of the customers I could have helped on the machines to his queue that day. 

Another day I kept winding him up so much that he flipped and threw a stapler at my head in front of about 10 customers. Fuck, I loved that job so much.  Shame I was on about £17k and working for the most evil of the evil corporations.

shout out also to Jason, who once insisted that a SWAT team showed up at his house in south Bristol.

just remembered he got sacked for telling someone he was "off home for a wank"


Worked with a woman called Pam who I had a massive crush on. We had a similar sense of humour, so we would spend all day making silly jokes or playing silly games like first person to ouch the ground loses. We even got each other gifts when she left, despite her only working there for around six months. We exchanged a few messages afterwards, but nothing special. I do miss her a lot. I hope she is doing well.

For some reason the team I used to be on seemed to attract the most enigmatic people, who I do wish I could see again just to see if they are as strange as they seemed. There was:
  • The Bulgarian guy - This guy who used to say to me "James you are very smart". He wasn't in for a couple of weeks and I assumed he was on holiday. Turned out he'd been sacked for stalking somebody who he'd been referring to as his "scouse flower". Somebody found his Facebook profile a year later and the profile picture was of the building we worked in.
  • Scuba Alex - No idea why he was called this. I just remember him being this boisterous guy. He hid in the coats once trying to scare people.
  • The motivational speaker - This guy who seen himself as this motivational guru. Very enigmatic guy. He used to call me the "relationship master" and, due to the fact I'd just bought a house, he would sing "don't worry about your mortage, cos every little payments gonna be on time". He written a book which is on Amazon about being your best and it includes a quiz on the first page about whether you are allowed to read the book. Here is that page:


Quote from: dontpaintyourteeth on August 06, 2022, 05:06:12 PMjust remembered he got sacked for telling someone he was "off home for a wank"




first job I had was some agency con job that paid employers a certain amount if they kept someone employed for the three month requirement, so by the end of it I ceased giving a toss because after maybe 6 weeks the work ran out and I only needed to really do about a solid two hours work a day, anyway some cunt called ***** grasses on me for having solitaire up where no cunt could see it while fuck all was going on and for the remainder of the contract i'd forward incoming calls to his desk at random and just overall make his life really difficult in tiny satisfying ways ie losing/hiding his clients paperwork (shite job so if it eant ausing more work for myself it was probably more than id have done if I hadnt) taking a little trinket off his desk and throwing it in a bin miles away from the building on the way home and constantly asking him for advice on things id already asked advice on or how the simplest thing worked like having people referred to us. He hated taking referrals and made it clear in the first week I was there. It was great.

I saw him at the station near me a few year ago and this was motherfucking years after id left and I sort of wanted to ay hello but my overall memory of this were the horrible little shitheads combat pants and the above so I lft it, but it would have been nice to say hello and I dont know, maybe use a word in the wrong context.


The Mollusk

I really miss this old bloke Dave when we used to work nights together in a hotel near my home town. One of those old school dudes, black country born and bred, who remarkably wasn't a spewing ball of bigotry (though he did make a few bumbling faux pas which I had to politely correct him on), used to sit about chatting with him about all sorts of shite for hours.

Highlights include:

Would not even touch pizza because it was foreign food. Dave mate it's literally cheese and bread and tomato puree. Fuck no.

Fucking loved offal and used to actually smack his lips and go mmm ummnuhhnghmm uhhmm when talking about how much he liked tripe or tongue sandwiches.

Once told me his daughter's pet rat bit her finger so he took it down the shed and drowned it in a bucket of water. I was aghast and asked him if he's ever do the same for his dachshund (which he was devoted to) and he said "Well if it bit me yeah I wouldn't really have a choice would I?"


Not miss so much as wonder what the hell he's up to now.

Worked in marketing,warehouse in the building. The deputy warehouse manager, from Gloucester and apparently a friend of Fred West's kids was fired for forcibly pretending to have anal sex with a mentally disabled guy in the warehouse packing room in front of about 10 other people.

Interesting characters at that place

dissolute ocelot

When you're young and studenty you definitely get closer relationships quickly. R who was studying nutrition but had a can of tizer and bag of wotsits on her break every day. She once pissed in a supermarket carpark in front of about 10 people, mostly trying not to watch. I met her a few years later and she was working for the Scottish government. A who I spent an inordinately long time explaining the difference between angels and fairies to her, and there was the Genie in a Bottle incident. "Julio" who wanted to be an air steward and made me join the company social committee because he fancied a girl on it. Less comically, a young guy who claimed to have been raised in a brothel where his mum worked, and only shaved the front of his face not round the chin. Nice guy but obviously had a hard childhood.

I don't miss any co-workers at all, not a single one. Not a single one inspired me, none of them were or are role models.

With some of them, I actively hope for their deaths, preferably painfully. I also hope that before they die, they serve lengthy prison sentences, and I also hope that they die slowly and painfully, but however long they live I hope that they die after me , so as I can piss on their graves.

When I worked in a diy shop a coworker insisted that mermaids were real because they "saw it on the telly". Same person who, when asked if we sold jigsaws, answered most sincerely "no, we don't sell puzzles". She's got kids now.


I worked with a man called Toni "with an I" If a letter or note arrived for him addressed to "Tony", he'd cross out the "y", write in an "i" and then open it.

I kept a list of grievances against him that I forwarded to the big boss when I left-

Mark is going for a meeting in Bradford next week & Toni pipes up-
"Oh! 3 poppadums! Oh deary deary me!" & then "Look out for anyone carrying rucksacks"
Toni- "This country rips us all off but if you come over here & you're a gay black lesbian they give you whatever you want"
Toni says that Enoch Powell was right.
Toni coughs up a lung.
Carolyn- "Oh Toni you sound terrible"
Toni- "I feel it. But I'll come in however I'm feeling...unlike some"
He then looks towards me in reference to my (admittedly rubbish) sick record.
Refused to answer Rebekah Stewart's email about her new code because she didn't say please or thank you.
Calling Katherine Richards a "lesbian footballer" & claiming she had an attitude.
Talking about Chelsea vs Tottenham football match taking place on Sunday Toni comments- "Us versus the Yids"
Toni coughs hard
Carolyn- "Oh Toni, you sound like you're in the wars"
Toni- "I know, I'll have to have a week off eh?"
In reference to my previous week's illness.
Carolyn- "My ex got beaten up on Cathedral Road on Friday night"
Toni- "Blacks was it?"
Toni referred to Secure Law as "The Gay Club"

Toni- "Have you seen that email from Berihan? So rude...probably because Arabic is her first language"
Carolyn- "What time are you going tonight Toni?"
Toni- "I don't know I've got to make sure other people work the time they're supposed to"
In reference to me being 2 minutes late.
"She can go back to Arabia or wherever she's from" – again regarding Berihan.
Toni (to Carolyn at 5.30 as I'm preparing to leave said loud enough for me to hear after a day of mumbling)- "I think you, me & Mark have the same work ethic"
In a conversation over the thermostat-
Carolyn- Toni, it's boiling in here. You think so don't you Sime?
Me- Yes.
Toni- It doesn't matter what he thinks.
If you're someone that Toni doesn't like (usually this means you are an unattractive, possibly overweight woman or Jon Head) & you are on the phone with him he will be extremely curt & he will loudly drop the phone on the desk if he has to look something up on the computer.
Carolyn- "What's the latest a TT can go out?"
Toni- "Who's asking?"
Not really a bad thing but his mangling of the English language must be heard to be believed & to me is an offence.
"You bend over backwards to kiss them on the arse & they turn around & slap you in the face"

"She's as dull as two short planks"

"I know I'm safe...I won't have anyone coming on my arse"

"I can't stand her, her voice gyrates on me"

"Two eyes are better than one"

"Better than a slap in the eye with a sharp stick"

"Free meal but no cigar"

"I'm quite glad my daughter's agreed to get my grandchildren baptised because her partner...umm, he's a Buddha & all that so he was quite anti that"
I've no dates for these but whenever I was alone with Toni in the office the racist expletives used to spring from his mouth almost non-stop including-
"Stupid fucking Jew!"
& the above mentioned comment about "people wearing rucksacks" in Bradford.
Toni changes his mind like most people change their underwear. Example-
Monday 4th of February
He was extolling the virtues of Carrie as someone who really works in the interest of the company.
Tuesday 5th of February
When asked what Carrie would do when she came back "Fuck all as usual probably"

He now works for Cardiff City FC and I truly hope his wife has never known sexual satisfaction.

Quote from: dontpaintyourteeth on August 06, 2022, 05:06:12 PMjust remembered he got sacked for telling someone he was "off home for a wank"

His six-year old pupil.


I miss the guy I used to play "Pursuers" with. It was a mutual game -- one of us would agree to pursue the other at walking pace throughout the shop, alá Terminator or Mr. X in RE2. Relentlessly. Indefatigably. Do nothing else but chase your mate. Great fun on bank holidays when there was fuck all to do.

Quote from: walktothewater on August 06, 2022, 11:26:52 PMWith some of them, I actively hope for their deaths

Oddly enough, though I feel like that about certain family members and a few people I came to know out of work, I have such feelings only towards two of numerous people I have worked with in the many different jobs I've had.

I would say about 99% of the people I have worked with have been cunts


Dennis. Worked with him on a tomato-slicing machine in a salad prep factory. He'd berate me constantly. "English degree and can't load a machine!" Twenty times an hour. One day I came back from lunch and asked him what he'd been up to. "Been in me car thinking about killing myself." I laugh. Guy behind him gives me the eyes like "no he's serious." Turns out he was an ex-fireman who finished after seeing a family of four burn to death.

Steve. Used to chat music with him. He was sound. Liked Can. Which was nice for working in the JJB warehouse, packing coats into boxes. Wonder why we never became actual outside work friends.

Mavis. Ghanaian woman with a lovely soft laugh. Genuine angel of a person, religious without being a fruit about it, I hope wherever she is massively happy. Had several opportunities to snitch on me for slacking or bunking off early and never did.

There was a woman who worked at the exam board who I liked. She was a big fan of 4AD Records, the gothier the better, she was kind of like a goth dinner lady. She lent me a few records that I very much enjoyed!


Quote from: dontpaintyourteeth on August 07, 2022, 08:20:33 AMI would say about 99% of the people I have worked with have been cunts

oh yeah if I started on this I'd probably frazzle my keyboard out, every single job I've had except my current one (give it time, 7D!) has had at least one and as many as ten absolute mega bastards.


Bloke who used to try to impress a woman I worked with on the shuttle bus back to London. Don't think his chat had any effect on her but it was pure blissed-out ASMR to me. Much missed.

Quote from: Phoenix Lazarus on August 07, 2022, 07:58:40 AMOddly enough, though I feel like that about certain family members and a few people I came to know out of work, I have such feelings only towards two of numerous people I have worked with in the many different jobs I've had.

Yeah I wasn't being entirely serious, too many light ales last night. I don't really hate or miss any past co-workers, I view them with indifference at best. I can't think of too many who inspired me.

Quote from: sevendaughters on August 07, 2022, 11:55:21 AMDennis. Worked with him on a tomato-slicing machine in a salad prep factory. He'd berate me constantly. "English degree and can't load a machine!" Twenty times an hour. One day I came back from lunch and asked him what he'd been up to. "Been in me car thinking about killing myself." I laugh. Guy behind him gives me the eyes like "no he's serious." Turns out he was an ex-fireman who finished after seeing a family of four burn to death.

Sounds like one of those "I went to the university of life, me, no need for fancy book learnin" bores. We all know the types. But given the background in this particular case, fair enough, being a bit of a twat at times at work is forgivable.

Has anyone ever heard of or been on the Pistonheads forum? There's an hilarious (at least to me) thread where they talk about their encounters with the criminal fraternity. A surprising number of them knew/know some heavy duty crims. For some reason this thread bought it to mind.

Edit: Actually they called it "Dodgiest person you ever knew"

More stories of retail: The lad who got catfished to the tune of £10k but told all the customers beforehand that his "missus was coming to visit next week"

wasn't a cunt, just horribly, horribly naive. poor fucker


Clive (I think).  We shared night watch duties in a London tourist attraction.  Clive was a committed alcoholic and smuggled 12 cans of cheap lager into his locker in preparation for each 16h shift.  Come 5pm as the boss bid goodnight there was the telltale tssSSS kr-POP and we were off.  He would sit in his chair and get progressively arseholed until he could barely complete his walk around due to being unable to walk.  Out of pity his co-workers would do their best to cover for him but that probably enabled him.  He was alright for as long as he could put a sentence together.