high and low status wanks

[dissolute ocelot]

If someone else does it (and you're over 18) it's always high status. If they wipe up afterwards, even better. But the acme is the Dyson Wankomatic 5000.

[Zero Gravitas]

A German lesson (girl hit his cock with an umbrella)

Repeatedly to issue?

[imitationleather]

*Regenschirm

[badaids]

I know the former trombone player from Mike Flower's Pops and he claims he has masturbated on every RAF base in the country.

[Zero Gravitas]

Lossiemouth?

[Jerrykeshton]

Repeatedly to issue?

Just once. He gave up at that point (which seems fair enough)

[DJ Bob Hoskins]

High Status: writing an article for Esquire about how you used to rub one out in the dormitory at boarding school.

Low Status: rubbing one out to the above Giles Coren article.

 

[JesusAndYourBush]

wank on toilet = low status

Unless it's this one!

[buttgammon]

Unless it's this one!

That would be wanker on toilet whenever that bloke uses it.

[Jittlebags]

I was masturbated by a cook via a modified crutch while hiding in a shipping container during a rocket attack by the Taliban.

I was also wanked by a cook. Via a dumbwaiter. He was on the Upper Floor, me on Ground.

[JesusAndYourBush]

Imagine if Lars' arm was a robot arm so you sat on the toilet and Lars lovingly wanked you off while you sat there.  You could even choose to have it happening while you were 'dropping bombs' if you were so inclined.

[Zero Gravitas]

Does the robot have the same technical capabilities the real Lars Ulrich? To be honest I'd prefer the simulation of someone who can keep up a polyrhythm, A Gavin Harrison prog-bog perhaps?

[JesusAndYourBush]

That'd probably cost extra, but with todays technology would be doable.  You'd have to be careful to make sure you were in wank mode so he didn't do a paradiddle while holding onto your whanger. Unless that's what people want.

[Brian Freeze]

I was masturbated by a cook via a modified crutch while hiding in a shipping container during a rocket attack by the Taliban.

I'm guessing this sort of thing is a lot more common that we think.

Do they still put stuff in the tea to try and prevent it?

[Blue Jam]

Airbnb - high status
Travelodge - low status

[Blue Jam]

If someone else does it (and you're over 18) it's always high status. If they wipe up afterwards, even better. But the acme is the Dyson Wankomatic 5000.

What about a Henry Hoover? A Dyson will never look as enthusiastic as a Henry.

[Jittlebags]

The Dyson bagless, fanless wanking machine. Uses a cleverly controlled jet of air that'll have your fiveskin flapping away like a windsock in a gale.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Never was a fan of a shower wank, knees got tired and the steam made me more out of breath.

[Sebastian Cobb]

What about a Henry Hoover? A Dyson will never look as enthusiastic as a Henry.

Pfft, surely it's all about Hetty and her eyelashes.

[Satchmo Distel]

Have a wank in a mansion
Shoot off into a stantion
Come on a croquet court
Jerk off into the Queen's port
While dreaming of an orgy
Splash one between the eyes of a corgi

[J Peasemould Gruntfuttock]

Low:hyperbaric living quarters used by saturation divers on the job. Not only for the lack of space and privacy privacy, but also because the very high atmospheric pressure actually forces your muck deep back down your ducts, where it lodges and rots, potentially requiring surgical intervention.

Plus, since you'd be breathing helium, there's the danger that you might wind up going  "Yes! Yes! Yes!" in a voice that sounded like Alvin the Chipmunk.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Low:hyperbaric living quarters used by saturation divers on the job. Not only for the lack of space and privacy privacy, but also because the very high atmospheric pressure actually forces your muck deep back down your ducts, where it lodges and rots, potentially requiring surgical intervention.

One of my pals used to service the dive kit for people that did this. Said most of the divers are absolute nutters and stot off the boat punch drunk after being under pressure for a few weeks. Doesn't stop them breaking out the tabs and finding the nearest boozer and getting smashed until their next rotation.

[Thursday]

Airbnb - high status
Travelodge - low status

Where does Premier Inn fit in?

[Sebastian Cobb]

Speaking of Travelodge I once got put up in the one in Leatherhead for work and decided I wanted a sherman, this was going back over a decade and their wifi was really patchy, they'd put me in a disabled room for some reason and I managed to accidentally slam my laptop into the panic button while I was trying to get a signal. Had the porter knocking on my door and stuff, they never disabled the alarm properly so that strobed all night. Killed the mood.

[JesusAndYourBush]

He wanted to wank at the palace
But he got his hampton caught.

[Satchmo Distel]

Frankly Mr Wankly this big penis I've held

Wanking on the streets of London
Wanking on the streets of Birmingham

[The Bumlord]

Knocking one out in a reasonably expensive hotel room overlooking the Paris skyline would be my most high status tug I think.

Low status = pub toilet. Bonus if you get all spunk on the toilet roll.