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March 29, 2024, 02:36:32 PM

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Work shitting

Started by bgmnts, August 16, 2022, 08:52:57 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Replies From View

Daddy make a spunking
All into mummy's cunt
That's why I was born
And shitting in my workplace

Jasha

Quote from: bgmnts on August 16, 2022, 08:52:57 AMShitting in the office is beautiful isn't it?

The cleaners are there to hoover and light dust the desks not clear up your turds because you can't be bothered walking to the toilets

popcorn

I have worked at two different offices in which an email was circulated from management asking employees to please stop shitting on the floor. (IT WASN'T ME, FUCK OFF!!!)

I've always wondered if phantom problem shitters was a common phenomenon in offices, or if I just worked at really crap offices. The first office's email had little sympathy for the shitter, whereas the second email offered to help the shitter get help, etc.

In the second office I once went into a cubicle and discovered a used plate from the canteen left under the toilet, like someone had got really confused about how the digestion process works. Not sure if this was connected.

Replies From View

Quote from: Jasha on August 16, 2022, 07:57:58 PMThe cleaners are there to hoover and light dust the desks not clear up your turds because you can't be bothered walking to the toilets

How would you know what their contracts say.

Replies From View

My favourite signs ever are the ones that state what you are allowed to flush down the toilet.  NOT sanitary towels, NOT those coarse paper hand towels that they offer as an option now for people uncomfortable with using an electronic hand drying mechanism.  More coarse paper than that was the only way to wipe our arses in the 1970s and 80s, in schools anyway, so fuck knows what's made toilets so weakened nowadays.

In my view you should flush everything paper down the work toilet:  pizza advertisement fliers, recycling advice, plenty of hand towels yes and sanitary towels, any paperwork from your inbox you can't be arsed to sort out.  Bung it all down there and train your toilet up to become a half decent toilet.

Woke brigade fucking up our toilets mate

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Replies From View on August 16, 2022, 08:19:48 PMMore coarse paper than that was the only way to wipe our arses in the 1970s and 80s, in schools anyway, so fuck knows what's made toilets so weakened nowadays.


Induced demand probably. Although who hasn't wiped their arse with a scrap of newspaper or magazine when they're caught short and don't think they'd physically be able to get to and from the shops?

Kankurette

Quote from: dontpaintyourteeth on August 16, 2022, 06:54:13 PMused to work with some cunt who worked in the evenings and would always leave a big shit stain in the toilet but like, at the front of the pan? every morning when you'd unlock the building it would be there. always suspected that he sat facing the wall on it. that shitting prick
These people deserve death.

Pink Gregory

Not happy that I've seen the unsuccessfully flushed turds of men who think they outrank me in life.

Don't like it one bit.

flotemysost

I know someone who used to work in a call centre where bog breaks were timed, so to ease the ennui he set himself a challenge of achieving a shit AND a wank in one visit (and accomplished it a few times, apparently).

My workplace now gives the option of using gender neutral cubicles (which I'm all for, for obvious reasons) with the sink and everything else you need inside the cubicle, and it all feels much more relaxed and continental - no more shitting all in a row like the Romans, or feeling like you can't dawdle in the mirror checking your eyebrows because someone's just bundled into a cubicle with an urgent look on their flushed face that reads "last night's prawn dhansak is raging against my sphincter like a bull at the Festival of San Fermín and I have to sit next to you for an hour during the budget meeting later this afternoon, please leave immediately, for both our sakes".

Replies From View

Do they offer salmon and poached eggs in these so-called "continental" toilet cubicles?

By the way if you dawdle to admire your eyebrows or any part of your face in a mirror there's something horrible about you.  FACT

You should be ashamed of your features, rushing away from your reflection with your head down at the merest accidental glimpse of it.  THEN we'll get back to talking about shitting

Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop

Quote from: Replies From View on August 16, 2022, 08:19:48 PMMy favourite signs ever are the ones that state what you are allowed to flush down the toilet.  NOT sanitary towels, NOT those coarse paper hand towels that they offer as an option now for people uncomfortable with using an electronic hand drying mechanism.  More coarse paper than that was the only way to wipe our arses in the 1970s and 80s, in schools anyway, so fuck knows what's made toilets so weakened nowadays.

In my view you should flush everything paper down the work toilet:  pizza advertisement fliers, recycling advice, plenty of hand towels yes and sanitary towels, any paperwork from your inbox you can't be arsed to sort out.  Bung it all down there and train your toilet up to become a half decent toilet.

Woke brigade fucking up our toilets mate

It all went wrong when they got rid of the old high-level, chain-pulled cisterns of yore.

You could flush a marmoset down one of those bad boys; you can't argue with gravity.

Replies From View

What is it - 9 metres per second squared or something along those lines.  There's no yanking that motherfucker back if you realise you've made a mistake.

Paul Calf

Quote from: Replies From View on August 16, 2022, 12:43:44 PMWorkshitting deserves a quiet shite
The toiletpape on the holder, placed there days ago
Turned around backwards so it's wrong way round
Every lightbulb reveals the bogroll in reverse
Still, I'm able to reach it
I forgot my phone back at my desk
And have to focus only on the task at hand

Workshitting deserves a quiet shite
I'm not sure all these people understand
It's not like years ago
The fear of getting caught
Without a space to empty out 
They cannot see me naked
These things, they go away
Replaced by everyday

Workshitting, remembering that shite
5pm's coming soon
I'm pining for a poo
And what if there were two
Side by side in orbit
Descending down the pan?
Your boss, watch-checking by the door
Could not describe workshitting

You, I thought I knew you
You I cannot judge
You, I thought you knew me
This one laughing quietly underneath my breath
Workshitting

The toiletpape reversed, every lightbulb a reminder
Workshitting deserves a quiet shite, deserves a quiet shite

Quote from: Paul Calf on August 16, 2022, 10:17:51 AM...deserves a quiet shite...

Brevity is the soul of wit.

You cunt.

idunnosomename

Working in a library now so treating myself to having a shit on the clock and loving it

flotemysost

Quote from: Replies From View on August 17, 2022, 10:14:47 AMDo they offer salmon and poached eggs in these so-called "continental" toilet cubicles?

By the way if you dawdle to admire your eyebrows or any part of your face in a mirror there's something horrible about you.  FACT

You should be ashamed of your features, rushing away from your reflection with your head down at the merest accidental glimpse of it.  THEN we'll get back to talking about shitting

It's not so much admiring, more a masochistic "let's quickly gauge how much of a hideous shiny-faced lopsided gargoyle do I look like after getting ready in a hurry because I slept through my alarm AGAIN and had to leg it to the office, before I go and face my colleagues, and also have to look at my stupid fucking head again from a million unflattering angles in the big screen on the hybrid meeting room". I'd be absolutely fine if they reintroduced some kind of mask/paper bag mandate, tbh.

They don't offer salmon and poached eggs yet but I plan to raise this with the union.

Quote from: idunnosomename on August 17, 2022, 02:57:42 PMWorking in a library now so treating myself to having a shit on the clock and loving it

How will people see what time it is?

The Mollusk

Quote from: Mobius on August 16, 2022, 08:59:34 AMI got a note from my doctor that I have ulcerative colitis so I am literally allowed to just shit all day and no one can even say anything because disability mate

The fact that you seem to be portraying colitis shits as some sort of luxury experience better than the drudgery of even the worst of jobs implies to me that you are telling porky pies my friend.

Waking up at 5am and running to the toilet in blind fear of a torrent of shitty blood suddenly squirting down the back of your thigh is no laughing maahhh who am I kidding, it is funny

itsfredtitmus

aaaaaaaaaah a big fat crap (:

Brian Freeze

Has anyone ever taken a forensic DNA based approach to solving work based toilet etiquette crimes?

Is it even possible to identify the culprit from the terrible evidence left behind?

Replies From View

#48
Quote from: Paul Calf on August 17, 2022, 02:47:41 PMYou cunt.

Shit, sorry.  The thread title instantly placed the REM song into my mind, and I didn't check first if somebody else had the same experience.

In fact I had the tab open for so long to bother with the full lyrics that it's possible you hadn't posted it yet.  Wasn't worth it, as you said.

Regardless, I shall start my life again from scratch immediately.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: idunnosomename on August 17, 2022, 02:57:42 PMWorking in a library now so treating myself to having a shit on the clock and loving it

You should take a book in.

Replies From View

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on August 17, 2022, 04:01:53 PMYou should take a book in.

For a start a book is a horizontal surface.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop on August 17, 2022, 02:17:47 PMIt all went wrong when they got rid of the old high-level, chain-pulled cisterns of yore.

You could flush a marmoset down one of those bad boys; you can't argue with gravity.

The problem is stuff that doesn't break down sticks to the fatbergs but I find it hard to believe they're a modern problem given how more common chip pans were in the 70's/80's. Probably fewer people washing coffee grounds down the sink back then, mind.

kalowski

Mate of mine visited the red light area of Bruges. Paid his €50 for time with the woman but needed a shit as soon as he went through the glass door. Took his time with the shit and when he came out if the toilet that was it. Time up.
She had her head screwed on there. Paid €50 to have someone else shit at your work.

madhair60

could he not have combined the two? does that cost extra? not that I am interested in paying to shit on a woman. i wouldn't even do it for free, unless asked, or I felt like it.

Replies From View

Hello I am so passionate about this that I will not do it for free.

Also somebody will clean up after me, thank you.

popcorn


Replies From View


Paul Calf

Quote from: Replies From View on August 17, 2022, 03:57:39 PMShit, sorry.  The thread title instantly placed the REM song into my mind, and I didn't check first if somebody else had the same experience.

In fact I had the tab open for so long to bother with the full lyrics that it's possible you hadn't posted it yet.  Wasn't worth it, as you said.

Regardless, I shall start my life again from scratch immediately.

Pff. You ran with it. That's all anyone can ask.

flotemysost

I've definitely mentioned it on here before, but my mum once took a dump on a picture of Nick Griffin in 2009 (not entirely deliberately - she had the urgent shits following surgery, and a newspaper with his odious mug on was the nearest vaguely absorbent surface to hand, but I suspect if there was anything left she'd have shat herself again from laughing so much).

non capisco

At a previous workplace they had faux-leather bound copies of classic literature in the bogs. What were they expecting you to do, read Moby Dick in a piecemeal fashion every time you went for a shit? Insane.