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March 28, 2024, 02:47:26 PM

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Things your dad is still doing.

Started by Glebe, November 02, 2021, 08:50:35 PM

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Glebe

"Dad we need to talk about my difficult upbringing."

"Get a life son!"

Cuellar

Your dad always understands the assignment

frajer

Your dad is shadow-boxing your shadow to within an inch of its life. "I wish you could tear bits off shadows. Just pull your head right off haha!"

You take out one of your earbuds. "What, dad?"

Glebe

"Hi son! I've been working in the garden just look at my hands!"

"You literally have 'green fingers' dad, heh!"

Suddenly your dad's mood changes. He grabs you and stuffs you in the kitchen bin, you kind of bend and are stuffed in like a blow-up doll. Your dad keeps stuffing, stuffing you into the bin.

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on December 01, 2021, 07:55:53 PM"Hi son! I've been working in the garden just look at my hands!"

"You literally have 'green fingers' dad, heh!"

Suddenly your dad's mood changes. He grabs you and stuffs you in the kitchen bin, you kind of bend and are stuffed in like a blow-up doll. Your dad keeps stuffing, stuffing you into the bin.

Your dad visits you in hospital while you're lying in a full body cast. "Err sorry about the bin stuff the other day son. I guess I just saw red!"

"Don't... you mean green?" you manage to croak.

Your dad bounces a bedpan off your bandaged skull. "KILL YOU, CUNT!"

Glebe

Your dad becomes a kind of urban bogeyman and is known locally as 'Papa Green-Fingers'.


frajer

Quote from: Glebe on December 02, 2021, 12:16:27 PMYour dad takes a break dance battle to a new level.

After a stunning display your dad momentarily forgets to check himself before he wrecks himself, and spews his morning pilchards all over the impressed youths.

batwings

He's still mourning the death of your sister. Get over it, sourpuss! That was days ago!

frajer

Your dad wolf-whistles at a strapping male builder to "shake things up."

Long story short, you've now got two dads.

Glebe

Your dad has filmed a documentary about his dog, Snaps the dog, on his phone. He posts the phone to the BBC with a note saying 'Please find enclosed my phone containing a doggo doco."

frajer

Your dad has a rival. "Grey Terry at the library. Always shushing me when I drop a banging new tune in late returns. God how I hate that dreary prick."

Glebe

Your dad sends you out on a dangerous errand to buy Ovaltine.

"I see now that you wish I, and not your other son, had moved to Australia."

"I do wish that."

"Very well father. Since your other son is happily married with a family on the other side of the world, I will do what I can in his stead. Thing better of me should I return."

"That will depend on the manner of your return."

You make it back relatively unscathed from Tesco with the Ovaltine but your dad has built a huge funeral pyre in the back garden. "We shall burn like the heathen kings of old!

frajer

Your dad sips a cup of milky tea and goes "aaahhhh to think this would be illegal if we were living in France." You leave that one where it is.

frajer

Your dad changes his Twitter handle to "dOnkeydick!n"

Glebe

"Son, The Squid's Games is on the Ticktey-Tocks!"

"I have absolutely no idea what you just said to me dad."

Glebe

Your dad warms his glans by the fire.

frajer

After the barbecue has wound down, your dad claps you on the shoulder and gestures at the night sky. "Shoot for the moon son - cos if you miss you'll still hit the stars! And they're almost as big a problem as that dickhead moon. One day we'll take them all down. G' night!"

Glebe

"I'm afraid it's gonna take more than a 74 year-old Eminem fan and his disappointed son having a wash-out BBQ with themselves to take down them ol' stars dad."

Glebe

Your dad gatecrashes your daughter's baby shower wearing a The New Pornographers T-shirt and embarrassingly tight shorts.

frajer

Your dad buys a used lawnmower on eBay, forcibly lends it to his neighbour then spends 5 hours twitching the curtains with a scowl. "Ungrateful bastard's not even fired it up."

Glebe

Your dad has the complete Bobby McFerrin discography on cassette.

frajer

Following a particularly tough break-up, your dad uses papier mache to make you a new girlfriend and does the voice and everything. "I love you not-son, your pert arse is terrific."

Glebe


non capisco

Your dad has got a black eye because he tried to launch "The Detectives Dining Experience" with his mate Brian Hardy but they fell out over who got to be Jasper Carrott.

non capisco

"Saw your dad walking up Crayford high street singing 'I Believe In Father Christmas' by Greg Lake. Getting in the festive mood, I see!"

"No, he sings that all year round."

Catalogue of ills

He's trying to order a pot of tea in McDonalds.

"So that's two cups of tea?"

"Two cups yes, but one pot" he says, irritably.

frajer

Your dad picks up a hitchhiker and brings them home to be your new brother. "It's like one of those Christmas films, isn't it?" he beams.

"Cheers for the lift but can I leave now, Mr. Dad? I'm meeting some friends for dinner and staying with them."

"Christ you're just as bad as the original."

Glebe

Your dad is muttering about everyone taking his Werther's Originals even though he's the only one who likes them.

"Nobody touched y'Werthers, dad!"

"Mutter. Half the pack's gone."

frajer

Your dad takes out his mobile and pretends to dial. "Beep boop beep. Hello is that 'The Sun' newspaper? Yes I've got a Werther's snaffling ghost here who I think you'll be very interested in. Yes apparently that is the only explanation."

Oooh if looks could kill!