Bond on a budget

[frajer]

M: Moneypenny, send in Bond would you? ... Moneypenny?

BOND: You fired her 8 weeks ago sir, I've been flirting with this little drinking bird toy instead. I've been able to get there but it's not been easy.

[Ferris]

For mersh get smersh.

[frajer]

BOND: And what's this new thingy, Q?

Q: It's called a Loot crate, Bond. Get used to saying that name.

[Glebe]

"The name's Bond. James B-"

"Could you keep it down over there? We're trying to film Tipping Point. We're going to need that single studio light you're using back by the way."

[Glebe]

Z: Moneyha'penny, will you bring 000 into my office please?

[non capisco]

The bit where Bond goes into Moneypenny's office and throws his hat onto the hatstand is noted on the callsheet as "the big action sequence". 

[Fambo Number Mive]

Bond shouts "bingo" as a furious Goldfinger drops his dibber.

[frajer]

"The name's Bond, James Bond." Unbuttons and opens tuxedo jacket. "I'm selling these fine Omega Seamasters, how many can I put you down for?"

[Glebe]

"The name's Bond, James Bond." Unbuttons and opens tuxedo jacket. "I'm selling these fine Omega Seamasters, how many can I put you down for?"

"We'll have the £1,000 raised for the film budget in no time! I'll still have to work part time in that second hand shop though. Still I enjoy it, there's a middle-aged bloke from Deptford bringing in a consignment of old Dreamcast games next week exciting times!"

[Dr Rock]

'Of course you'll be needing transportation Bond, let me show you what we've cooked up'

'A Space-Hopper sir?'

'Not just any old Space-Hopper Bond. On the front you have the regular cartoony face... but turn it round... Chinese fella's face!'

[Glebe]

'Not just any old Space-Hopper Bond. On the front you have the regular cartoony face... but turn it round... Chinese fella's face!'

[frajer]

"Now pay attention Bond because MI6 are paying me by the word and can't afford any deviations from the set text."

"Not even a sassy quip where I downplay the effectiveness of your gadgets?"

Q silently gives Bond the Paddington hard stare

[non capisco]

"Now pay attention, Bond. This looks like an ordinary motorbike but if you twist this part this way and bring this part up here....it's now a little robot, look."

"A Transformers toy, Q? What possible use is this to me in the field?"

"Yes, well... I think it's actually a Go-Bot, 007."

[Glebe]

"Wait'll you see the space age gadget I've got for you today Bond!"

Q produces a Motorola mobile phone from the '90s.

[Glebe]

"We've discovered Blofeld's latest scheme Bond. He's planning a major heist!"

"What is it M? Fort Knox? The Crown Jewels?"

"Nah mate going by this crayon scrawl he accidentally left on the bus it looks like he's plotting to steal a 9-carat gold identity bracelet from the pawn shop on the corner."

[Mr Farenheit]

-Bond, here's the plans. As you can see there's a skylight.... here! Now, you can enter here and use this staircase to get to the lower level...

-this is the Leisure Centre

-yes, Bond. People often leave coins in the lockers. MI6 could use that loose change to finally turn the corner!

-stealing from a leisure centre... unbelievable.

-it's not stealing, Bond. That money has been abandoned.

[frajer]

"Cor, what's this latest contraption Q? Very sleek, it fits right in my top pocket!"

"Bus pass. Best get a shift on if you want to catch the quarter-past to Blofeld's Pensinula."

[Glebe]

DIRECTOR: Okay let's get that helicopter shot!

The single home movie camera is attached to a remote controlled toy helicopter.

[frajer]

DIRECTOR: Okay let's get that helicopter shot!

The single home movie camera is attached to a remote controlled toy helicopter.

The toy helicopter hovers over a badly redressed Tracy Island while an audibly bored off-camera Daniel Craig says "Let's just hope we're in time to stop Blofeld for the fourth fucking time" and sighs.

[Glebe]

The toy helicopter hovers over a badly redressed Tracy Island while an audibly bored off-camera Bradley Walsh says "Let's just hope we're in time to stop Blofeld for the fourth fucking time" and sighs.

[frajer]

ah well, at least it wasn't Paddy McGuiness!

DINK DANK DOUBLE OH, GET IN!

oh christ

[Glebe]

ah well, at least it wasn't Paddy McGuiness!

PADDY MCGUINNESS: Ah Mr Bond I've been expecting you, a dingly-dangly-doo!

BRADLEY WALSH: Oh fuck me I quit whomsoever takes my place I wish you luck, here I go.

[non capisco]

Jaws is played by Adam Woodyatt.

[Glebe]

BOND: Hello Moneypenny!

MONEYPENNY is just an avocado on a desk with a smile drawn on.

DUBBED-OVER VOICE: Hello James that's a smart-looking dustman's donkey jacket you're wearing.

[Mr Farenheit]

BOND: Hello Moneypenny!

MONEYPENNY is just an avocado on a desk with a smile drawn on.

DUBBED-OVER VOICE: Hello James that's a smart-looking dustman's donkey jacket you're wearing.

CUT!!!
Who the hell signed off on an avocado?? Those things cost a bomb. There's a big crowd scene tomorrow and we will be using POTATOES ONLY. Got that?

[Glebe]

SHIRLEY BASSEY TRIBUTE ACT (singing): It's the kiss of death, from Mister Tinfinger!

[Glebe]

BUDGET VILLIAN: I trust you will join us for dinner Mr Bond? I've ordered the servants to leave an Oxfam shop suit in your room. It's just Tesco spag bol and cheap plonk but then you and the lady are to die tonight so who gives a fuck?

[Glebe]

FBI AGENT: Mr Bond, I think it'd be beneficial if you share your info with us Americans.

BOND: That's a Canadian accent mate.

FBI AGENT: I'm actually from Devon.

[Glebe]

We've got our Blofeld!



Russ Abbot's expressed an interest!



Can't raise enough, film scrapped.

[thecuriousorange]

Harry Saltzman: "Sorry Cubby Broccoli, Fleming's estate won't let us adapt any more of his works, unless we pay... One million dollars."

Cubby Broccoli: "Find some books we can use instead."