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March 28, 2024, 11:42:27 AM

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Bond on a budget

Started by shiftwork2, December 25, 2021, 11:30:54 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Mr Banlon

You'll contact Debbie at the casino...

...in Hayes Town
Don't forget to get chips.....and a pie, she's a big lass.
We've given you this special key, so you can break into the fruities

"To get past security, you'll have to look the part, so wear this dinner jacket."

"Shay no more. Which Shaville Row tailor ish thish one?"

"Cedarwood State"

Glebe

Quote from: thecuriousorange on January 23, 2022, 06:37:27 PM"To get past security, you'll have to look the part, so wear this dinner jacket."

"Shay no more. Which Shaville Row tailor ish thish one?"

"Cedarwood State"

"Actually sorry it's Pep&Co."

non capisco

Gun barrel opening sequence is just him walking past. 

Glebe

DIRECTOR: OK CUE OPENING TITLES!

A crew member presses PLAY on a tape recorder and bad, amateur surf music plays while two women who work in the local bingo hall dance behind a sheet on a washing line.

Glebe

SHIRLEY BASSEY IMPERSONATOR (singing): Diamonds are forever... but these are just plastic toy diamonds.

Ferris


Captain Z



Brosnan: Nah, sorry, I'm out. I know the budget is tight but people won't stand for this.

Glebe

Quote from: Captain Z on January 25, 2022, 01:23:21 AM

Brosnan: Nah, sorry, I'm out. I know the budget is tight but people won't stand for this.

PRODUCER: What are your qualifications son?

AMATEUR CG ANIMATOR: I just finished animation school. We'll I say 'finished', I kinda got bored and left after two weeks.

PRODUCER: Can you do icebergs that don't look cartoony?

AMATEUR: I'll try but I can't guarantee anything.

Glebe

"Bond, M here. There's been a leak at MI5."

"Does that mean the portaloo's finally been installed?"

Glebe

"Bond? Where are you?"

"I'm in a garden shed in Hartlepool, M."

"What?! You're supposed to be investigating Blofeld's compound!"

"Uh, Yeah?!"

"Oh wait... the budget thing... Good work Bond, keep me up to date. And be careful in that shed!"

frajer

"The name's Bond, Jeff Bond. James's slightly younger and significantly cheaper brother. I don't have a licence to kill but I'll fuck you up with this sack of doorknobs if you so much as glance at a nuclear warhead."

superthunderstingcar

Quote from: frajer on January 25, 2022, 09:49:15 PM"The name's Bond, Jeff Bond. James's slightly younger and significantly cheaper brother. I don't have a licence to kill but I'll fuck you up with this sack of doorknobs if you so much as glance at a nuclear warhead."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/O.K._Connery

non capisco


frajer

"Blofeld where's your white cat? What's that you're fussing over?"

"Tamagotchi. I wouldn't laugh mate, what do you think Q's got for you?"

famethrowa

"Well we couldn't get a pigeon for the double take, so Geoff brought in his cat, Schtinkles"

"Ok let's just get it done, set it up"

Many minutes later:

"Take 7... action! Schtinkles!! Look over here! pspspspsps"

Glebe

Quote from: Mr Banlon on January 23, 2022, 05:54:18 PMYou'll contact Debbie at the casino...

...in Hayes Town
Don't forget to get chips.....and a pie, she's a big lass.
We've given you this special key, so you can break into the fruities

"There you go love flowerpot full of ten pees!"

Jittlebags

Cloudy with Light Drizzle Ball


Glebe

"The names Bond... James Bond."

"Let me see, James Bond, James Bond... hang on... ah here we! Two nights bed and breakfast. You can have the back room. The toilet is down the hall. That'll be £60 please!"

Captain Z

Quote from: Glebe on January 26, 2022, 10:28:03 AM"There you go love flowerpot full of ten pees!"

You were specifically ordered to play only the 2p machines, 007.

Glebe

Quote from: Captain Z on January 26, 2022, 03:46:12 PMYou were specifically ordered to play only the 2p machines, 007.

"Excuse me love, could you give me change for these ten pees?"

Dr Rock

Hold the bells Bond! You've got three nudges, use them!

Glebe

Quote from: Dr Rock on January 26, 2022, 08:11:29 PMHold the bells Bond! You've got three nudges, use them!

Bond is visibly sweating as the seconds tick away... the future of planet Earth depends upon this!

non capisco

Q's test factory now just a load of blokes in white lab coats feverishly doing scratchcards.

frajer

"What's this brightly coloured gadget, Q?"

"Ciggie lighter. I've taken up smoking to feel alive. The numbers... they aren't good, Jim."

Glebe

Quote from: non capisco on January 27, 2022, 09:29:36 AMQ's test factory now just a load of blokes in white lab coats feverishly doing scratchcards.

Heh!



MONEYPENNY: You must have spent a fortune on scratchers, M!

M: We've got boxes of the bastards but we've not won anything over twenty quid yet!

Glebe

Bond chases a hired assassin through the aisle of a Blackpool tram in a slow and cumbersome manner. "Could you move your feet missus? Thanks."

frajer

In the latest thrilling instalment of the super spy franchise, JAMES BOND 007 is followed around by a fly-on-the-wall documentary crew, but only on his days off.

GASP! as Bond finds more items than he's anticipating in Waitrose and slinks back to the entrance for a basket.
THRILL! to the sound of Bond snoring like a deep sea trawler's foghorn after he passes out in the fine leather chair of his Mayfair club.
WATCH! as Bond idly masturbates to an unexpectedly busty presenter on QVC.

Glebe

BOND: Blofeld's fortress lair is around here somewhere. We'll know it when we see, it's huge and must have cost a fortune.

SEXIST JOKE NAME BOND GIRL: I see it! Over the-

END SCENE

Pinball