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March 28, 2024, 10:33:46 AM

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Bond on a budget

Started by shiftwork2, December 25, 2021, 11:30:54 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Rizla

BOND : Wow, so the car actually goes invisible.
Q : What car.
M : Yeah Bond, the fuck are you on about.
BOND : M? Why are you here, you're not normally in these bits
M : Gotta share office with Q div.

pancreas


Ferris

Provisional license to kill.

Glebe

BOND: Villain's fortress should be a doddle to destroy its made of cardboard.

pancreas

Quote from: Glebe on December 26, 2021, 01:55:54 AMBOND: Villain's fortress should be a doddle to destroy its made of cardboard.

Ikeafall

Pink Gregory

stylophone and recorder rendition of Bond's theme

toot toot toot toot toot, toot toot toot, toot toot toot toot JAMES BOND!

Q: "Now this I'm particularly proud of. One end of this pencil has a piece of lead for writing top-secret messages and - now pay attention - at the other end is this small piece of pink rubber. Rub it against your page and what you've written simply dissapears. Oh, and, do try to return it in one piece. It's the only one we have."

Spoon of Ploff

Sit down Mr Bond.. I'm afraid I have some bad news about your final salary pension.

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

"Q, what the fuck is this?"

"It's a spud gun with Walther PPK written on the side"

Glebe

RICHARD KIEL: I am gonna bite you to death!

ROGER: No you ain't mate them teeth are just tinfoil!

frajer


Dr Rock

A tube if Pringles Q?

Not just an ordinarily tube of Pringles, 007. Inside are an array of deadly throwing discs, able to rip out a man's throat

Bond empties the tube of Pringles

They do seem like ordinary Pringles sir

Well, yes. But with your deadly aim.. need I say more?

I..

And that's not all - simply masticate several Pringles until you get a sticky mess - lop it under the feet of a group of assailants and they'll be falling all over the shop.

Right

And the final stage of the weapon - the empty tube!

I don't suppose it becomes a powerful telescope or something?

Nothing so fancy 007 - simply bonk your enemies on their heads with the empty tube, confusing and causing the mild annoyance as you make your escape!

sigh

And now.. The pack of Revels!

Glebe

BOND: Not so fast!

SCARAMANGA: It's just a tube of Pringles.

BOND: But no ordinary tube of Pringles! It- oh wait yeah it's just an ordinary tube of Pringles.

Replies From View

And now, from across the pond, it's

BUDGET BOND


*british audiences go ballistic at the very concept*

Glebe



"Here's an island lair I made earlier. You'll need sticky black plastic and an old Fairy
Liquid bottle. Use a safety scissors and get an adult to help."

Glebe

"Bond we no longer require you to defeat Blofeld as we have just discovered he is merely a cardboard cut-out."

Ferris

Could have done something with "inflatable", more like Blo-Up!!

Sorry I'm quite tired.

Glebe

Quote from: Ferris on December 27, 2021, 01:53:35 AMCould have done something with "inflatable", more like Blo-Up!!

Sorry I'm quite tired.

So am I after inflating Blo-Feld, Ferris! I've no breath left in me!


frajer

"Pay attention Bond, this is a discount voucher booklet."

"Ohh ok, and what's it do?"

"Saves us up to 25% at participating hotels and leisure resorts."

"Sigh. I miss the exploding pens, Q."

"Me too mate. Me too."

Jittlebags

"Do you excshpect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, I expect your genitals to be gently illuminated by my giant torch."

Glebe

"Do you expect me to talk?"

"Yes Mr Bond after I pretend to subject you to excruciating pain with these plastic cutlery items!"

Captain Z

We now believe Blofeld has escaped to a faraway island beyond the reach of our surveillance.

Let me guess, the South China Sea?

No, Canvey Island.

the Fallen

You make friends with a stern boy at school and try to keep yourself together although thou art aimed to complain 'bout it roundly, this drummer and your mate's on bass kid brother such plummy tones and the tall lad you hunker it down you get the gang together and stand off, there, and say:

See:

"(isn't being james bond sexy and naughty)"

Glebe

SCARAMANGA: I know you are fond of the girls Mr Bond. Ladies, would you please escort him to his quarters.


frajer

"To drink, sir?"

"Blue Nun, unscrewed not poured."

Bently Sheds

Running at full pelt, Scaramanga reaches his gold Lamborghini Muira, slides behind the wheel and roars away in a cloud of dust.

Close behind, Bond leaps down from the low roof of Scaramanga's porch. He runs to his Skoda Estelle, tries to find his keys in one of the many pockets of his safari suit. Finally inside, he puts the key in the ignition to start the car. The Skoda turns over but doesn't fire. Bond remembers Q's advice back at HQ; "It's a bit finicky to start. You have to pull the choke fully out, then push it in by a quarter as you're turning it over, remembering to gently pump the accelerator as you do so."

The engine finally coughs into life and Bond trundles after Scaramanga, his dust long settled. It was then that Bond remembered that the synchromesh between third and fourth had gone, the Skoda was due for its annual service and MOT last week but, until the 00 agents' budget for this month was approved, it would have to stay like this.

Mr Farenheit

Morning Q
Morning Bond
Any news on Scaramanga?
Lots
Brief me, I'll be on his island in 24 hours
Nope
What?
No briefing, his island's too far away. We can't afford to send you there
'sake
Bond
What? we're just going to let him do what he wants?
We don't have the funds
I'm fuming by the way
We need you to raise funds, Bond. Take these
What are they?
A pair of scissors. Used correctly they can alter the length of a man's hair.
Great- I'm a barber now?
Make sure you get a tip, Bond

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on December 27, 2021, 11:37:27 PM"To drink, sir?"

"Blue Nun, unscrewed not poured."

"I'm sorry sir all we have is Aldi scrumpy."

Ferris

Quote from: Glebe on December 28, 2021, 05:01:02 PM"I'm sorry sir all we have is Aldi scrumpy."

*checks price* yeah that's actually slightly better, half a glass please!