I've tried

[salr]

It's like i know what i would miss. I would miss seing my mum. I value the time i can spnd with my dad.

my mum has told me(she used to be a nurse so she has seen this b4): simon if your liver fails im not fucking visiting you in hospital.

she knows how bad its going to get. i am blissfuly unaware

[Brian Freeze]

What could we (or anyone at all) say or do to make you think differently?

Sounds proper rough mate, please talk to your GP and tell them exactly what you've told us.

[salr]

It's not what you can do.. all you can do is listen and i value that.

I know what i have to do. i have to go back to the drug/alcohol recovery place. hm

thats fucking hard tho, last time i was there i was not ready to quit. I still don't know if im ready to quit now. It is like how i feel rn is ready to quirt but i know tomorrow...

[Brian Freeze]

Good luck pal, I hope you're ready to nail it.

[salr]

Good luck pal, I hope you're ready to nail it.

cheers mate, this is how it is. I know what i have to do. later today i am going to be sobering up and feeling rough and... and... i do not know what i will do then.

edit: i know what i will do. i will drink. There is nothing else. nothing fills this hole. like i tryed to be honest with you, this is how i feel. i do not know a way out.

[Brian Freeze]

At least you are being honest with yourself?????

That might be a good thing.

[salr]

hmm, yeah... I know what i have to do i have to FUCKINGT stop. being honest with myself is one thing but, it does not fix anything unless i follow through...

I know what you are saying but unless i stop nothing will be fixed. and stopping is fucking ruogh, ... facing sobriaty..

like i want an easy way out, if i drink enough mabe i wont wake up tomkorrow. maybe it will be over.

I don't mean to drag this place down. It is just like, for as long as i have been reading this place i have been feeling this way, and i do not know another way out. My death is coming, it can be fast or slow. but it is coming.

[shoulders]

So you can get help and commit to the help, alternatively you can repress the urges by filling your diary so full of tasks that there is not enough time for your brain to do one between waking up and falling asleep (I know a few people like this, not necessarily healthy but they are sober and alive).

Sounds to me like you would benefit from a mentor and less alone time.

If you have no self-worth and need some in order to live then there is no choice but to create some which involves looking forward not back. It's always the right time to do the right thing.

[salr]

So you can get help and commit to the help, alternatively you can repress the urges by filling your diary so full of tasks that there is not enough time for your brain to do one between waking up and falling asleep (I know a few people like this, not necessarily healthy but they are sober and alive).

Sounds to me like you would benefit from a mentor and less alone time.

If you have no self-worth and need some in order to live then there is no choice but to create some which involves looking forward not back. It's always the right time to do the right thing.

Thank you for believing in me. I had not thought about it before, having self-worth. I know that is what (or atleast a bit) of what i am lacking. I need a reason to be alive...

I need a reason to belive in myself.

I don't know what it is going to take, but i will try to find it.

[druss]

Your idea of going back to the recovery place sounds like a great first thing to put into action. Shoulders is bang on with filling your time, and getting some support goes hand in hand with this.

It will be very hard in the early days of recovery, which it sounds like you have some experience of.

Just know that it does get better with time. At the moment your brain is wired to only get dopamine/nice feelings from alcohol due to over stimulation of the reward centre of
your brain.

The good news is that the plasticity or changeability of your brain that allowed for this wiring to become like this works the other way too, ie with time you will get a lot more pleasure from other things. It can take a while though so if you're struggling just remember that you have to go through some pain in order to get to the good stuff.

[checkoutgirl]

the stuff i drink now is so fucking rough.

Oh god a few years ago I remember drinking 4 bottles of cheap white wine at home and conking out in bed. It refluxed so bad I had to sleep sitting bolt upright. I say "sleep" but that word is only a rough approximation of what this was. I think I hoola'd out of my trousers earlier that night.

None of this rang any alarm bells at the time of course.

[salr]

None of this rang any alarm bells at the time of course.

haha, that is how it is, isnt it. You think you are managing fine un til you are not managing fine. I am not managing fine and it is what i do now that counts.


fucking hell i am gonna call the local drug/alcohol recovery place. I think wghat shoulders said was true, i need a mentor.

It is like, i remember talking to piers. I truseted him b4, when i was at cgl he was my care-worker. I trusted/belived in him. I still did not quit obvs, but i need that again. I need to speak to piers again.

[Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead]

haha, that is how it is, isnt it. You think you are managing fine un til you are not managing fine. I am not managing fine and it is what i do now that counts.


fucking hell i am gonna call the local drug/alcohol recovery place. I think wghat shoulders said was true, i need a mentor.

It is like, i remember talking to piers. I truseted him b4, when i was at cgl he was my care-worker. I trusted/belived in him. I still did not quit obvs, but i need that again. I need to speak to piers again.

Sending you lots of love, @salr. Thanks for trusting us lot enough to open up about this. It sounds really fucking hard. It sounds like you already have one strategy in mind, though. Do you think you'll be able to get in touch with Piers? Keep us updated.

[salr]

I know what i have to do. it is fucking rough, but i have to do it.

[salr]

I phoned my local drug/alcohol recovery place. they gonna call me back.... I know this feeling, i know how i feel and that it will pass but rn im just..... broken

[salr]

its like.. if i had any out, i would take it, any pills, any substances, andything to not feel lik this

[salr]

like i have been through 'librium' b4. that stuff is just so fucking 'nice' u know. I feel like i need it but i do not ereally need it.

I can i can i can get through this i know what i have to do.

i know what i have to do it's just....... mh

[Buelligan]

Sending you all the power salr. 

[Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead]

It sounds really unbearable for you right now. And I'm seeing you say that you also know this feeling will pass. And you've already taken one important step by ringing the recovery place. You're already making moves to get out of that desperate state you're in just now. Those are some victories right there. I guess it might be hard to see them just now when you're feeling so shit, though?

[jobotic]

You can do it.

Like you say when you're in a trough you can't picture not being in it. Doesn't mean you won't get out of it.

[salr]

Thank you bot for listen8ing to me. Im nnot sure what to do now. the bottle is close.

[Buelligan]

You sound like you do know what you need to do but it's very hard.  It is.  It fucking is.  Sending you the power.  We all are.

[salr]

i have drunk today so it is ruined. its fFFFFFFFfff

[Buelligan]

Not until the fat lady sings, old son.  Nothing ruined. 

[salr]

its... hm I know how i feel... i know im not going to feel better so im not sure what to do now. take up more medical porfessionals time or.... this is it.

[Cloud]

Obviously "see your GP" is a bit of a broken record but maybe it needs to be, keep seeing them until it's sorted, it's what they're there for. 

[Buelligan]

Absolutely.

[salr]

i just need to be strong enough. i need to face up to this.

[salr]

yeahh.... i mean i get it . i can 'get' help but it will be ugly. It will be rough. i know addiction. i know what is is to be addicted, and i don't think the nhs can help me. like so many times i have spoken to my gp b4, i have spoken to medical professionals n its... nothing fixes this.

[Cloud]

Oh it'll be rough.  But like grief you still have to face going through it to get better.  Kicking the can down the road only prolongs the difficulty.  You can always vent on here in the process though