I thought this only happened to other people...

[hpmons]

So I went to the loo, as you do, to do a...number two.  Then I glanced to the left to look at the toilet roll, as you do, and...Saw there was none.  Remembered that actually I already knew that, because there wasn't any yesterday.  In fact, I had purposely put a couple of tissues in my fleece pocket in case I accidentally forgot.  But I wasn't wearing that fleece today.

Thankfully there is also no towel in the bathroom, so people have used toilet paper (when there was some) to dry their hands, and thrown it in the bin.  At least I assume thats why paper was in the bin, though actually none of it looked wet or particularly scrunched up, it looked like people had just inexplicably thrown some normal toilet paper in the bin.  So I picked some out of the bin to wipe my areas.

What a lovely story. I suppose if there hadn't been toilet paper in the bin (it looked perfectly clean and unused by the way) I'd just be expected to...try and shake off, gently put my knickers back on, go get some tissues, then go back to the bathroom and properly wipe my areas? And then feel dirty for the rest of the day/week/year.

Spoiler alert

Am I too open?

[close]

[/sub]

[the midnight watch baboon]

that's why there's a shower in the bathroom. Blast away that faeces, hey!

Our loo roll is to the right.

[koeman]

I've used the centre pages of The Sun once, thanks to the lax(itive?) attitude of the staff of the toilets in Victoria Centre, Nottingham. It wasn't very absorbent.

[boxofslice]

Have you peasants never heard of a bidet?

[koeman]

Wasn't that two days before D-Day?

[vrailaine]

I almost always have a bag on my back, at least it seems that way, never wound up in a situation where I didn't have some backup toilet paper in it or my pocket. I've left an extra bit in the cubicle a few times for the next person with little messages on them.

The whole system in our house had fierce trouble getting blocked with toilet paper for years so we had to use a bin. Still have an instinctive response to look for a bin to put it in... to the best of my knowledge I haven't done that yet, no one's told me if I did, anyways.

[mook]

Spoiler alert

Am I too open?

[close]

[/sub]

why do you ask? did you "lose" some of the tissue?

[Doomy Dwyer]

What's wrong with a sock? Or both socks if the situation requires? Simple.

[buttgammon]

If you're really desperate then you can use the cardboard thing that the toilet paper is wrapped round. Push it into a flatter shape and it makes a coarse but perfectly usable alternative to acgtual toilet roll. ^{Not that I have ever used this method.}

[biggytitbo]

The best poo is the self wiping phantom poo. It's a little bit magical.

[hpmons]

why do you ask? did you "lose" some of the tissue?

You are confusing me with your girlfriend.

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

Wasn't that two days before D-Day?

Willie Rushton used that in the 80s[nb]I just wanted to aid a little in the destruction of koeman's reputation as a comic genius[/nb][nb]actually it's probably a stock line but anyway[/nb][nb]I love you really [/nb] [nb]I wonder if Willie Rushton ever ran out of toilet paper[/nb] [nb]make a pun out of that you fucker[/nb]. So nyer.

[koeman]

I nicked it off Paul Merton, so at least I know where he nicked it from now!

[jutl]

Funnily enough I was just reading how one traditionally wipes one's arse using the left hand and a cup of water in some countries.

[mook]

You are confusing me with your girlfriend.

i wouldn't make that mistake. anyway my girlfriend has left me. she's gone back to her mum and dad's, she's taken one of my cars and is no doubt regaling them with stories about my fizzy drink habit and cruelty - it's not all bad though, i'm lounging in my eames chair, slurping down a bottle of dandelion and burdock and just chilling on this rainy post-noon.

might go and tease herbert moon again in a bit.

[Lord Mandrake]

Just use your hand then wash it?

[Mister Six]

The best poo is the self wiping phantom poo. It's a little bit magical.

The one that is shaped in such a way that it zooms around the U-bend of its own volition and leaves no residue? I've had one or the other, but not both in a single poo. I'm pretty certain that ectopic evacuation is the stuff of legend.

[Zero Gravitas]

This thread totally ruined my sandwich.

[madhair60]

The one that is shaped in such a way that it zooms around the U-bend of its own volition and leaves no residue? I've had one or the other, but not both in a single poo. I'm pretty certain that ectopic evacuation is the stuff of legend.

I frequently manage what is known to me and my peers as a "ghost poo".  Nothing in the bowl and nothing on the wipe.  Magic.

But there's something unsatisfying about not witnessing the mighty log you've coiled out.  Is that too weird?  Nah it's not.

[jutl]

Is that too weird?  Nah it's not.

I understand that Ridley Scott has seen Blade Runner.

[SetToStun]

I frequently manage what is known to me and my peers as a "ghost poo".  Nothing in the bowl and nothing on the wipe.  Magic.

But there's something unsatisfying about not witnessing the mighty log you've coiled out.  Is that too weird?  Nah it's not.

Ah - birthing a ghost trout and drawing a blank; the Holy Grail of the one-stop drop. I rarely get both together, sadly.

You're right about the satisfaction factor, though - come Monday morning there's something strangely compelling about seeing what a pound or so of lamb, several potatoes, parsnips, carrots, leeks (and perhaps some cabbage), steamed pudding and a huge supper of salamis, cheeses and pickles actually looks like after it's rent you asunder upon its exit.

[mook]

do you people actually look at your poo after launching it out? what are you? germans. fuck that - we live in a civilised world, sort of. once it's out of my personal plumbing it's someone else's problem. never look back. never, ever look back. you lot are warped.

[Little Hoover]

I don't look every time, but you have to sometimes just to make sure everything is as it should be. You could be shitting blood without even knowing mook. This fecal-phobia of yours could be the death of you someday.

[Buchstansangur]

How do you know if it's a good one worth keeping if you don't look at it?

[SetToStun]

Come on mookikins, you can't tell me you've never, ever thought to yourself "Jesus Christ - that must have been enormous!" and then satisfied your perfectly normal curiosity. Tell me you're not a namby-pamby shit-denier, please.

[Mister Six]

What do you want him to do, make the prostitute puke it back up?

[SetToStun]

Dear God, that's an image I want scrubbed from my brain. Mook in a frock defecating into a prozzie's mouth while his Spaniel excitedly barks encouragement from the comfort of mook's fiveskin. *Shudders*

[Treguard of Dunshelm]

^Well if ever Neil wants a new banner for this place it's obvious what it should depict

[Ginyard]

do you people actually look at your poo after launching it out?

Poo analysis is a fine art. If you've had fucking awful gastritis (that makes you think you have cancer so you go for a few tests and it turns out you're probably ok thanks for asking) for a few weeks in a row, the range and depth is quite something to behold. Green poo, yellow poo, black poo, something that looks like a fucking gungan tape worm, the face of Beadle, little plops, TONKA dumps, carrots, zombie sweetcorn eyes, hard-as-rock fissure chisellers, soft as Corbett liquid whirlpools....a veritable feast for the eyes and mindfuck for the brain.

Have you peasants never heard of a bidet?

You mean splash-back? Yeah, that's a technique, but you'd better load up your colon with four beanfeast fajitas to attempt that one.

[mook]

look you fucking freaks - i'm the normal one here. i'm not a toilet gazer - why can't you understand that looking at your poo is wrong, plain fucking wrong. what do you expect to get from it? next weeks lottery numbers? you're like those mad old women from years back who reckoned they could see into the future by staring at tea leaves - except you use poo. thankfully it's doubtful that any of you freaks will ever breed, so it's unlikely your scat obsession will pass on to pollute future generations.