Fake TV Shows

[the midnight watch baboon]

Ray Mears' Vaginal Smears

In which the tent-happy explorer indulges in an alternative career of carrying out door-to-door cervical cancer check-ups.

[Mister Cairo]

Shiny Shiny Shiny Things In My Nest:

The BBC attach little cameras to the heads of jackdaws and film them going about their day. Better than it sounds at first.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Cook'dandBomb'd Live!!

The popular website's denizens get a chance to see one another hunched over their monitor, venting/typing/editing their rage and occasionally disappearing for several minutes. For a shit.

[biniput]

Cook'dandBomb'd Live!! Access all areas

Cameras follow the Cabbers until most snap. Contains excessive violence and occasional screams of  "F-OFF out of my house, my life and my planet."

[Sheriff John Indolent]

Tom Cruise's Future Animated Adventures In The Showbiz Wilderness
Cheaply made Hanna-Barbera cartoon based on the imagined future life of the diminutive twat film star after every major film studio deems him too much of a loopy arsehole to work with
Episode 5: Pain Man
A migrant starving Cruise is taken in by a female pagan sect, who in exchange for food and water repeatedly kick him in the bollocks as part of one of their rituals. However, if Tom dares to make a noise during this painful ceremony he will be cast out without a scrap to eat or a drop to drink.

[Purple Tentacle]

N-TCP/IP

Noel Edmonds hosts hilarious 'meet the public' stunt where a random verbwhore's webcam is switched on remotely for all to see.

This week, a naked Purple Tentacle is hilariously captured hunched over tutting about yet another argument about semantics, before having a shamefaced one off the wrist, and a glance into gazzyk1ns' flat reveals nothing more than a pair of women's feet, and the faint sound of sobbing.

[gazzyk1ns]

That's it, I'm going to insult your wife in the other thread.

[Purple Tentacle]

Oh yeah, you went there!

[Des Nilsen]

Swallow Your Skull

Outrageous game show with Vernon Kay. Digest your entire cranium and ten million pounds will be yours.

Hehe, love that one. :)

Hetty Wainthropp Gesticulates
Hetty loses her voice and must dramaticly express herself to solve the case. Blah blah blah.

Bindy
Animated series. A pink thing with big eyes, quite freaky really.

Fatal Spatula
Interactive gameshow.

-

[Morrisfan82]

Super Fuckin Yeah!

The best TV show ever made. Hosted by Rob Curling.

[Mister Cairo]

Donald MacIntrye's Argument Target:

Donald goes to parties around the country, armed with a hidden camera, and jumps in whenever someone says a load of rubbish that they saw in the Daily Mail or Indymedia.

"That's a load of rubbish. I'm going to intervene.

[the midnight watch baboon]

The Postman Always Rims Twice

Sexual shennanigans abound as the anus-happy letter deliverer brings bored housewives more than their gas bills.

[Boing]

Hammond Eggs:-After his unfortunate accident tough all round have a go guy Hammond is faced with the perilously unenviable task of decorating various birds eggs with paint and beads and glitter and shit,in the name of therapy.He occasionaly mouths "ABOOOBOOOEY",and there is applause from Jeremy Kyle show rejects.Hammonds family get a "bung" and nobody sues the Beeb,OK?Everybody happy?

Clock Spock And Farrell:-Secret cameras capture Leonard Nimoy as he stalks and films overrated Irish professional twathole Colin "Up Fer Da Craic Top O' Da Mornin Bejesus Guinness Shamrock Green O'im Oirish Leprechaun"Farrell.See Nimoys frustration and anger as he collars Farrell in an alley,get's him in a headlock and growls:
"Be famous.Fine.Do outrageous shit.Fine.Even do the Ireland-Motherland shit.But DO NOT fucking do your particular brand of watered down anarchy in front of paparazzi vermin.It makes the rest of us look bad and YOU look like a publicity seeking talentless miserable wank stain............actually,that's all you and your generation of actors really are.Carry on.Oh,just one thing,"SKROOONK""and Nimoy crushes Farrells voicebox with his thumb,leaving Farrell choking on the floor gasping for his Mammy in her Los Angeles brothel.Next week:
Keith,Harris,And Two Smoking Orvilles.

[Boing]

Der Monty Und Der Python:-Variety show starring Billy Beaumont,Paul Shane,Lionel Ritchie and Whigfield wearing nazi uniforms and silly moustaches.That's about it,like it or lump it.

Like It Or Lump It:-MOPS are forcefed gallon after gallon of liquefied turds through a pipe connected via a hole in their skull.The brain filters out the good stuff,mainly oxygen,and the rest is used as nutrient.A human evacuation has as much daily nutritional value as five Jamie Olivers,so fuck him and his school dinners.EAT!EAT SHIT!AND WE'LL FILM IT,ENJOY!

[biniput]

Like It Or Lump It

Show highlighting 99% of Boings posts that all seem to consist of the following statements.

"Mr bum shit winky piss tortures Bob Carolgees almost to death then fucks the part of his intestines that hang out of his arse as fuckwanks from reject channel 5 show play with them selves while watching       -                              THE MOVIE"

[BagJob]

Star in a Reasonably Priced Corsage
Top Gear spin-off show.


It's a Long Long Time For May til December
Top Gear spin-off. A game show in which James "Captain Slow" May must attempt to wrangle his way out of all filming assignments - without losing his job - until December.


Jonny Stigs
Top Gear spin-off show in which the presenters reenact the popular 1980's BBC Children's TV Programme "Jonny Briggs". Starring Jeremy Clarkson as 'Razzle', A 1999 Ford Focus as 'Our Rita' and The Stig as 'that stick that gets dragged along the railings during the opening credits'.

[Sheriff John Indolent]

Johnny Briggs' The Johnny Briggses
Reimagining of the 1980s Children's TV programme Johnny Briggs starring cockney Coronation Street actor Johnny Briggs in the lead role. Life hasn't changed much for Leeds schoolboy Johnny Briggs, except for him now looking like a 71 year old and speaking in a different accent, and receiving advice from a hologram of the ghost of diminutive Victorian cricketer Johnny Briggs.
THIS WEEK: Lightning strikes twice as Johnny Briggs' volunteering to look after the school rabbit ends once again in disaster. Could Roman Catholic Bishop and Vicar Apostolic of the Northern District of England John Briggs be somehow to blame?
Featuring a guest appearance from Courtney Love as that girl who always said "My Mam, who's a nurse..." Or was that in 'Simon and the Witch'? I can't remember.

[Brad]

It's a long way to Tipperary.

A team of hikers, each week are dropped at a random place around the globe and have to make their way using only surface transport and ships to get back to Tipperary.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Japanory

In which WWII veterans are encouraged to tell increasingly vivid and violent tales of Japanese war atrocities.

[the midnight watch baboon]

What Would You Inject Yourself With?

Gameshow in which members of the public can win up to £500 by injecting themselves with evermore dangerous substances. This week's contestants from Welwyn Garden City attempt syrup, old washing-up water and butter icing.

[Boing]

S-Bend! S-Bend! S-Bend!:-Viv Nicholson has one hour to successfully repair three leaking toilets.If she fails,her elbows are removed when she isn't looking and she has to spend the rest of her life without the ability to bend her arms in the middle.If she accomplishes the task,,,,,,well,fine,well done and good luck to the girl.

Sneaky Guys With Rapist Eyes:-Craig Charles,Phil Daniels,Johnny Vegas,Dean Gaffney,Jonathon Ross and Derek "WHO?" Hatton are given tips by criminal psychologists on how NOT to look like a serial rapist.The boys are then chained down and given a makeover by unhinged rape victims who don't like the look of them.(Includes impromptu surgery,screaming and a live audience comprised entirely of tabloid newspaper readers.All the tasteless,pointless crap you'd expect from Channel 4 on a Friday night.)

Thhhhhhheeeh Jjjjjjjjeeeeeerrrrrrrreeeeeemmmmmeeeeeee kyleshow:-A random episode of The Jeremy Kyle show is played on ITV1 at one thousandth normal speed,while the soundtrack is looped at four times the speed.Should last about a week,and there WON'T be breaks for Coronation Street,News or Emmerdale "fucking" Farm.Get a job,get educated,read,find out what LIFE is about,go for a walk and experience life with REAL people,interact with the world face to face!
You won't you spineless retarded FUCKS,you'll sit there and vegetate watching this crap.The only reason Sharon Osbourne gets low viewing figures is that's when your body clocks kick in and you all go for your collective shite,and then queue in a chip shop for thirty minutes so you can stuff crap down your neck and shit lard tomorrow at the same time.
ITV-Casting Turds Before Swine And Proud.

[Boing]

Low,Lower,Lowest,Lowestest:-BBC,ITV,Channel 4 and Channel 5 compete as to who can make the basest,bereft of morals or virtue,sick,exploitative brainless TV show ever.In the name of entertainment.
The efforts include film of:

A homeless man out for compensation.We get to know and love him until.......he deliberately sticks his head under the back wheels of a lorry 'cause he knows the driver has to reverse.(The coroner returned a verdict of:
Victim Of Own Greed,
but the lorry driver still sees the guys squished head everywhere.)(The channels lawyers vehemently protest allegations of encouragement.)

Robert Winston in a nursery naked and erect in a bog peeking and wanking through a hole in the back wall at toddlers sleeping and occasionally going "Nyuuuuuurgh!"

Brian Dowling interviewing the mentally ill,dismissing them totally with a slap and proclaiming himself the queen of daytime TV while he sticks his fingers up his arse and gives all his defenceless disabled guests a shit moustache.

Eartha Kitt's anus close up dropping a hot one into the mouth of Terry Wogan,dressed as a mad Mullah,who chomps greedily at it."EAT MY SHIT,RAGHEAD."she says.
"Yummy."

A father is fucking his secretary at the office.Halfway through his sweaty grinding his wife and kids walk in smiling.Then they don't smile.They WEREN'T told he was shagging his secretary.

Who will win?
Who cares?

[Boing]

Curry's Favour:-This week Declan Curry buys a bag of cough candy for a nine year old girl.Then he takes her back to a sleazy hotel room and fucks her,cums on her and eats the evidence,bones and all.Finally he puts on his child molester suit with the trousers by the knees,nonce tie and badly fitting jacket and charms Kate and Dermot on BBC Breakfast with boring stories about financial crap.Fuckin' pedo.

Curry's Warts:-'phone in contestants are in charge of an aimable voice controlled high powered laser.As it tracks Declans face they are encouraged to shout "NOW!" in which instance a fucking big laser blast blows the shit out of everything,and the universe implodes.

Curry Currie Curry!:-Declan Curry,Edwina Currie and Tim Curry curl up in a ball and sob.This is analysed and reported by the late Rod Hull and Emu.Nothing is achieved and the last half hour is devoted to the participants having curry rice and chips and Lambrini in a graveyard somewhere 'round Leicester.

[Boing]

Who The FUCK Do You Think You Are?:-Declan Curry traces his roots back from bubo raddled plague victims in the fourteenth century up to the wart infested exhibitions that were his parents.But he still can't justify his celebrity status,and neither can the Beeb,but they still pay his wages and a bad tailor so he can fill my tv with his ugly fucking boring head every morning."MONEY MONEY MONEY,BUSINESS BUSINESS BUSINESS."With his gut hanging over his trousers.
Fuck off and die.I hope you DIE in agony you ugly little horrible Irish fucking TOAD.I hope you prostate goes septic and poisons your blood and you die slow.And take the fucking weather presenters,news presenters and sport presenters with you.JUST READ THE NEWS,SPORT,WEATHER,FUCK THE BUSINESS!Just READ it.No emphatic gestures,no understanding glances and nods to your co-host.JUST FUCKING DO IT!

This isn't a "FAKE TV SHOW" post is it?
It's a rant.
I do apologise.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Faria?

A Dragons Den style show headed by ex-England Manager Sven Goran Eriksson intended to find a way to stop Faria Alam leaking more details of his affair with her to the press.

[Sheriff John Indolent]

RUNAWAY HART
Each week a panel of judges assesses the entertainment value in Tony Hart running away from different things.
This week: Apple, rain, lion.

[butnut]

Lead Bassoon

Episode 1: Garbage. FIrst in a new, hugely hyped series. He's got it all: a loving wife, good friends, a successful career as principal bassoonist in one of the world's leading orchestras, a great home..what could possibly go wrong for Jack? We follow him through his day as he gets increasingly frustrated by those little worries in life - a part with too quick a page turn, a faulty reed, and the  ever-growing sensation that someone is ripping his playing off.

Curb Your Balloonism

In which Larry David plays himself. He's a comedian with a hit TV show which is all about his day-to-day life. What could possibly go wrong? Yet he's got a feeling that across the ocean someone has ripped off his idea. So he embarks on a mission to track down this wrong-doer in his balloon. The series climaxes in a dramatic aerial fight above the streets of New York between him and the apparent villain (played by Jack Dee).

[BagJob]

Veil Never Know

New Gameshow hosted by former Home Secretary; The Rt. Hon. Jack Straw.

[gazzyk1ns]

Who Wants To Flee A Million Hares? - Chris Tarrant hosts this show, live from the Black Rock Desert in Nevada. Members of the public who have been calling the premium rate application line all week take turns to stand in front of one million caged hares, and must attempt to outrun them once they are released. However, the task is not as impossible as it first seems; each contestant has three lifelines available to them:

50:50 - The game is momentarily stopped, and half of the hares are removed from the scenario.

Ask The Audience - The audience, who are observing the game via an array of monitors being fed live images from cameras in key positions, offer strategical advice through the contestant's earpiece.

"Phone" A Friend  - Each contestant brings 10 friends with them, all of which will be driven alongside the player in a jeep. When a player makes it known that they wish to play this lifeline, he or she must then nominate which friend they would like to "phone". That nominated friend then jumps off the jeep and is part of the game for 30 seconds. They may bring with them any equipment they can carry, and do anything they wish to aid the contestant. Obvious choices for friends to take with you include poachers, people working in the pest control industry, and those who were a bit too eager to perform dissections in High School.

Mock The Sikh - Presented by Rob Rouse. Flying in the face of the PC brigade and so-called do-gooders, racism against minority groups in Britain is actively encouraged.

[Brutus Beefcake]

I read that as "Mock the Sith"