Things your dad is still doing.

[ImmaculateClump]

Your dads received a huge amazon delivery. What looks like a very big colour printer, two massive boxes full of blank cd's and a load of jiffy envelopes.
When you ask what he's doing, he says "The Brittania music club is BACK!"

[ImmaculateClump]

Saw your dad in mcdonalds demanding a "double chicken bastardo"
The lass behind the counter said "What? ... we don't have that item on the m-"
"YOU HEARD!"
He told them he wasn't moving until he got served, he over-enunciated slowly "Bastardo ... di POLLO. Doppio! BASTARDO!"

I overheard the manager whispering to a member of staff "just push a few chicken selects and a handful of those nuggets into a big mac. See what he sez"

Walked past mcdonalds on the way home and saw him sitting at one of the benches outside, big satisfied grin on his face. Absolutely beaming, nodding at passers by.

So happy for him.

[Glebe]

Your dad is bargain-spotting in Asda, "Doesn't get better than this of a Wednesday!"

[Fishfinger]

Correcting Facebook.

[Fr.Bigley]

Your dad has been ejected from the carvery because he refuses to believe that pigs in blankets are only available on the Christmas menu. 

His argument that "shakey John at the conny club had some last fucking week" has fallen on the ears of visibly stressed staff and your gran who's 98th birthday meal this was. Shes crying as she's manhandled out the door along with your da, he's now googling it in the zafira whilst angrily ringing shakey John on speakerphone to state "I'm gunna fucking do you John, mi mams cryin cos of you, lying cunt"

He drops your gran at the home curbside and heads directly to the conny club

[Glebe]

"You should come round mine later your dad, I've got a lovely lemon sponge in."

"No Norm, that's the trigger phrase!"

But your warning comes too late. Your dad rises, automaton-like, from the sofa and goes to grab a kitchen knife.

"I must kill... James Acaster... I must kill... James Acaster!"

[frajer]

Your dad is licking ass and faking names.

[frajer]

Your dad puts the car in reverse and breaks Norman's legs, but rather than admit fault he yells "I told you to pay me back that twenty!" and then peels the fuck outta there.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

Your dad puts the car in reverse and breaks Norman's legs, but rather than admit fault he yells "I told you to pay me back that twenty!" and then peels the fuck outta there.

You're arrested at your place of work, brought down the station and charged with GBH, theft and demanding money with menaces after your dad tells the police that it was you who did it.

"Sorry son, but I have too much standing in the wider community to go down for this."

[frajer]

You're arrested at your place of work, brought down the station and charged with GBH, theft and demanding money with menaces after your dad tells the police that it was you who did it.

"Sorry son, but I have too much standing in the wider community to go down for this."

"Norman, please, you've got to tell them the truth!"

"Shut up you ruddy hot rod maniac, I'll never dance the Bolero again you bastard!"

[Glebe]

"Son, do you mind if me and Norm turn you into a chimera?"

"Yeah go on then."

[frajer]

"Son, do you mind if me and Norm turn you into a chimera?"

"Yeah go on then."

"Oh come on mate don't be a spoilspowhaaaaaat? Norm, Norm! He said yes, get the shears!"

[ImmaculateClump]

Your dads in B&M rifling through all the caramacs.
Holding them up in front of his face and snapping them in half.
"Nar .... nar, they're all broken these. This is no good"
"Dad, it's you! You're snapping them in half!"
"I am merely bending them lightly to see if they're undamaged. Nar ... this ones fucked ... Nar. Curly Wurly's next, son. Hold my basket, will you?"

[frajer]

Your dad is scaling an electricity pylon to fetch his snagged kite down. "It'll be fine, I saw it in a film in the 70s!"

[Captain Poodle Basher]

Your dad is scaling an electricity pylon to fetch his snagged kite down. "It'll be fine, I saw it in a film in the 70s!"

And what do you know? He ruddy well is fine.

Unlike the two young lads he sent up earlier whose charred corpses smoke gently in the evening light.

[Glebe]

You go for a walk with your dad in the park.

"THE TREES ARE LIKE GIANT BROCOLLI SPRUCES!"

He follows this with a long and unsettling peal of wheezing laughter.

[Fr.Bigley]

You go for a walk with your dad in the park.

"THE TREES ARE LIKE GIANT BROCOLLI SPRUCES!"

He follows this with a long and unsettling peal of wheezing laughter.

"Does that mean asparagus is like a Cyprus tree dad?"

"Don't be fucking stupid boy, you always were an idiot...get it from your mother"

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad brings up Rebecca Loos while watching Babe.

[frajer]

Your dad and Norman are off scrumping. It's not for pleasure: the orchard owner owes them some serious cash and he's not showing them the proper respect, so bye bye apples.

[Glebe]

Your dad and Norman are off scrumping. It's not for pleasure: the orchard owner owes them some serious cash and he's not showing them the proper respect, so bye bye apples.

"How about them apples?"

But the fun soon erodes when your dad is pictured in the local newsletter under the heading '74 Year-Old Man Caught Stealing From Orchard'.

[frajer]

Your dad is in a sulk on the couch. "Don't know why I'm grounded, it was Norman's idea."

"You're not grounded dad, you're electronically tagged."

"Can I still go to Laser Quest this weekend?"

"The judge clearly said no."

[The Bumlord]

Your dad brings up Rebecca Loos while watching Babe.

What the hell have you been eating, dad?

[Glebe]

You bump into your dad in the high street one afternoon. He has a Goodfellas pizza under his arm."Thought I'd go healthy tonight, son!"

[Pink Gregory]

Back in the 70s, your dad went to see Focus...SIX TIMES!

[Glebe]

Back in the 70s, your dad went to see Focus...SIX TIMES!

"They got my prescription right the seventh time son, and I've wearing the same pair of NHS specs ever since!"

[KaraokeDragon]

Your dad is ironing his farting slacks.

[frajer]

Your dad is aiming confetti cannons at your neighbour's windows. "If he complains, I'll tell the rest of the crescent he's unpatriotic. It's win win!"

[Glebe]

"This is the Gom Jabber, the High-Handed Enemy!"

Your dad is holding a biro to your neck.

[frajer]

Your dad is taking all his old VHS down Computer Exchange. "Gonna get an iPad!"

[Glebe]

Your dad is taking all his old VHS down Computer Exchange. "Gonna get an iPad!"

Back half an hour later looking despondent. "I thought these weird beard computer guys loved the ol' retro stuff. Wouldn't exchange for love nor money!"