Bond on a budget

[Glebe]

BLOFELD: Go ahead Bond. Shoot me.

BOND: This is actually a cigarette lighter, Blofeld. £2 down the market, I know the guy if you're interesting in buying a batch for friends and family.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Bond chases Del Boy through Peckham Market.

[Dr Rock]

Bond, you are to go undercover... as a postman in North Shields. You must not blow your cover. After six months, with your 'pay' going to MI6 for analysis, you will be given the next part of your mission... so have some lucky heather ready for that.

[frajer]

"The name's Bond, James Bond... Licence to grill. Heh, you heard me right. Homebase are slashing prices by 50% on all barbecues and barbecue accessories this weekend only. For Your Eyes Only, mind! Tell 'em James sent ya!"

Oddjob pops up from a bush and pulls a hat-sized burger patty off his head, which he tosses across the garden and Jimbo catches it in an open bun. He takes a bite and winks at the camera but as he does a tear rolls down his cheek.

[Glebe]

"Ah Mr Bond we meet again!"

"Hello Mr Pawn Shop Man!"

[thecuriousorange]

"Come come Mr Bond. We're not so different, you and I."

"Oh I see. Because we both stop at nothing to get what we want, be it destroying the word or saving it? Because we're both damaged loners with hearts of stone? Because we both live for that thrill - to kill or be killed?

"I meant because we're both played by the same actor."

[non capisco]

Now pay attention, Bond. You turn this cannister upside down, give it a shake and it sprinkles salt onto your fingertip.

A hearty meal, Q.

Yes, give your finger a good old lick, 007. It's all I can promise until the next stage of the mission. Lick it up quickly before the seagull spots us.

We're outside a chippy in Acton, Q.

Yes, well, I think I've seen one tailing us all up the A4.

[Glebe]

"Methylated spirits, served however the fuck you please."

[Glebe]

"Come come Mr Bond. We're not so different, you and I."

"In another life we may have been comrades-in-arms. I salute you, James! You are truly a worthy opponent here hang on who turned the lights out?"

"We just ran out of money and the whole production's been shut down indefinitely," explains the producer/teaboy.

[non capisco]

"You mustn't mind Oddjob, Mr. Bond. A fine manservant but entirely mute."

"Mute? What are you on abou..."

"Silence, Oddjob! They have to pay out more for a speaking part."

"But I'm in half the fucking film.."

"Silence, Oddjob!"

[thecuriousorange]

Bond: "So Spectre have intercepted North Korea's new nuclear weapons and you want me to find out their next move. I'm on it, M. I just need a powerful soul diva to sing the adventure's rousing intro song, then I'll be on my way. Is it Dame Shirley Bassey, Nancy Sinatra? Tina Turner? Gladys Knight?"

M: "Claire Sweeney."

[Glebe]

The last scene is just this title card:

[Glebe]

There's no money to pay the actors for their lines so everyone has to 'speak' by holding up cards with the dialogue written on them. 'Cards' bring the backs of cereal boxes.

[frajer]

"The name's Bond, James Bond."

"Ahem, anything else to say, Mr. Bond?"

"Sigh. Proudly sponsored by Ronseal."

[Glebe]

"The name's Bond, James Bond."

"Ahem, anything else to say, Mr. Bond?"

"Sigh. Proudly sponsored by Ronseal."

"Do you expect me to talk?"

"Yes, Mr Bond, I expect you to tell me about the quality and finish provided by Cuprinol!"

[Captain Z]

No time to fry? Then fry another day, and use the new James Bond grilling machine from JML.

"Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just as much pleasure from grilling as I do."

"When I grill, I do it for Queen and country"

Now you have a licence to grill, with the James Bond grilling machine from JML.

"I musht be grilling!"

[Ferris]

"Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just as much pleasure from grilling as I do."

"When I grill, I do it for Queen and country"

This is getting the laugh-equivalent of a gravity assist thanks to various seasons of The Trip.

Doesn't matter, still laughed.

[Glebe]

BARBARA BROCCOLI: We're delighted to announce that Daniel Craig's successor will be
the FIRST FEMALE BOND! And it's all thanks to
wage inequality!

[Glebe]

BLOFELD: Ah Mr Bond we meet again!

CREW MEMBER (off camera): Em yeah Blofield, I mean Blofeld, we meet at last. Again, sorry.

There is a pause.

BLOFELD (to director): It's a bit ridiculous that we can't afford to have a Bond. And you've only got me because they cancelled the panto.

[Glebe]

NEXT BOND MOVIE: WHAT WE KNOW SO FAR.

NEXT BOND: Somebody cheap.

BUDGET: £100 max.

PLOT: No info so far, but there are rumours it will involve 'trouble in the English countryside'.

RUN TIME: 5 mins approx.

RELEASE DATE: TBC, but the producer has commented that "as soon as we find our Bond, we can get five mins of film in the can and bung it out on DVD-R pronto."

[ElTwopo]

Q: Pay attention 007
BOND: OK
Q: This is a bicycle
BOND: WOW!
Q: Whatever you do, don't ever use the pedals, or brakes.
BOND: Why ever not Q?
Q: The pedals make you go faster
BOND: And the brakes?
Q: They make you stop
BOND: Thanks Q

[Glebe]

The next Bond will be available to 'stream' on those old What the Butler Saw machines.

[Ferris]

It's just occurred to me my cheap Casio divers watch is very "bond on a budget".

[Glebe]

It's just occurred to me my cheap Casio divers watch is very "bond on a budget".

Can it shoot non-lethal, mildly-stingy plastic darts,though?

[Ferris]

Makes a clicky noise and glows in the dark. Useful for night time missions, distracting baddies and so forth.

[Glebe]

Makes a clicky noise and glows in the dark. Useful for night time missions, distracting baddies and so forth.

Is it water resistant though Ferris? What if you get thrown into a a tank of sharks?

[Captain Z]

First publicity shot of new M, Bond and villain

[Glebe]

First publicity shot of new M, Bond and villain

Hmmm, toughest F/M/K ever.

[non capisco]

Blofeld (right) :- Please join me in welcoming our newest henchman to the SPECTRE family, Gerald Medford! Gerald comes to us from eight years being a henchman at SMERSH so I'm sure he can teach us a thing or two! Fun facts about Gerald, he loves gardening and eighties and nineties sitcoms! I don't belieeeeeve it!!! Please welcome Gerald! If he fails me he is for the sharks.

[Glebe]

"

Blofeld (right) :- Please join me in welcoming our newest henchman to the SPECTRE family, Gerald Medford! Gerald comes to us from eight years being a henchman at SMERSH so I'm sure he can teach us a thing or two! Fun facts about Gerald, he loves gardening and eighties and nineties sitcoms! I don't belieeeeeve it!!! Please welcome Gerald! If he fails me he is for the sharks.

"And now Mr Bond it is time for you to meet your fate. THROW HIM IN THE BEAR PIT!"