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Burgers

Started by Greg Torso, July 03, 2022, 12:14:15 PM

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Greg Torso

You know that quote, it's either Shakespeare or Shaun Hutson, can't remember which, but that quote about how a man will eat seven burgers in his life, you know the one, I'm paraphrasing but it's something like -


"The first burger, it is you are a baby, puling and hooping, it doesn't taste, could be a handful of snow or a carpet beetle or your own cubed fist, not matter. You run around supermarkets dressed like a squirtle destroying the cereals and the Co-op police don't even bat a baton about your skull or life-ban you from groceries. It is the burger of permitted freedom.

The second burger you taste with nascent puerile buds. Your creeping snail face makes no discernment and maybe this burger is McDonalds the Food, a shit in a bread, an untitled sandwich of unbaptised meat, for crying out loud in a bucket. There is enough know-how building in your palate to detect how shit it will be but you enjoy eating it, despite that. The Rustlers fuck-it of youth.

The third burger is puberty. Red raw and rare. A jump-scare of hormones and shock slaps and sick, and be sick, and in a toilet, but still eat more and more, engorged. The urgh the urge to burger yourself to tenderise your hot patty heart and serve it blue, this is ground in. Belch beery breath up your girlfriend's elbow and into her mouth the kiss the drool how deliciously disgusting.

The fourth burger is the burger that eats you and that is marriage or solitude or a string of punk fuck offs on piss patio barbecue burn-outs. An adult of burger, burger be tender, true filigree cut, a pedigree chum, friends for life until the worms move in. Suddenly bearded, tattooed with cannon smut, a veteran of boredom. There is gristle in every bite, a fatty belt of adipose despair ringing each bone. The joints go, the crackling starts, it gets hairy. You get no special sauce when you fuck with the daddy cow of all cunt steaks.

The fifth burger is the tasteless chore of feeding yourself, the apathy of base nourishment. Chomp in a circle of grey unenjoyment. You have tasted every cut, the chuck and flank of tired grazing, the grim algebra of death writ in bloody gimp glyphs on the chopping board.Your beard is formal and modern and populated only with the finest flecks of singing winter meats massaged by celebrity ring wrestlers.
You crave the macky dee golden arsehole filth flashbacks of messy adolescence. You want the cheap pub scents of being young at night with fucking chips yes vile cucaracha of the street with your kitchen island pretenses wanting only to be drunk on gore and spume but go to bed after one paltry bite. One last paw at the cuff of her nightie before she slips off to take the bins out and you fold up like a smashed urinal in a skip behind a balti house with a racist mascot. No more red meat for you.

The sixth buger you will know. A thin, almost translucent, graduating towards nothing, the slice, a carving to medical instruction, a paste of hopeless chemical spread, assisted dietry vibe, fruitless fibres twisted in a flax of fake being. A stew of trousers that are no longer in fashion, spooned through the remaining teeth in guilt and regret powered violence.

The seventh burger is the one you have waited for. Baked black and you already know its taste: it has clung to the roof of your mouth and lurked in the flue of your throat your whole life. It swilled through your sinuses every summer and caked itself into stinking snow each winter. It was the first swag of breast milk and the last gum tooth rally of pureed sunday beef. It is the last bite and then you are full. Dinner is over. It is time for bed."


Anyway, what burgers do you like?

Sebastian Cobb

Spicy Lamb is probably top dog, but not that common, fried chicken is better than beef most of the time.

If it's too big to pick up and eat without being a soggy chore or falling apart it's only a burger in spirit.

Zero Gravitas

Food trucks, then bites, then drinking two sprites, then back at home shitting and pooping.


But for real, crab and old bay, mammal meat burgers can never be pleasing its too clearly warmed up, mashed up, flesh.

Dex Sawash


imitationleather

I had a burger yesterday ngl

Butchers Blind


shoulders

I'm in a minority here but Burgers are nothing compared to really good food like tagines and curries, cheers.

Most, even the best ones max out at 7/10 tops for me, Clive.

Best ones I've had were in Spain, better meat and better cooked, every component from the bread to the sauce simply fresher and better.

Can't remember what the best grubby scumdisc purveyors in the UK are anymore.

madhair60

Quote from: shoulders on July 03, 2022, 01:35:26 PMtagines

not had tagine in three or four years. might as well be dead honestly.

bgmnts

Quote from: shoulders on July 03, 2022, 01:35:26 PMI'm in a minority here but Burgers are nothing compared to really good food like tagines and curries, cheers.

Nah that's true I reckon most people hand on heart will agree.

JamesTC

Minted lamb burger.

Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth

Burger me senseless!

Another vote for lamb here.

madhair60

Quote from: bgmnts on July 03, 2022, 02:58:01 PMNah that's true I reckon most people hand on heart will agree.

I think a lot of people who love burgers eventually have their "hand on heart"...!

Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth

Why are burgers an acceptable thing to have for tea, but a normal sandwich is seen as strictly a lunchtime thing?

madhair60

Quote from: Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth on July 03, 2022, 03:16:02 PMWhy are burgers an acceptable thing to have for tea, but a normal sandwich is seen as strictly a lunchtime thing?

dunno but i think about this all the time. indeed i rarely think (or speak!) of anything else

the science eel


Martin Van Buren Stan

Yeah burgers are probably the best food.


Fr.Bigley

Bacon blue cheese, every single time. Inch thick patty, two rashers of crispy pig, a good glob of Stilton and some relish.. the only good one before the streetfood revolution was weirdly, O'Neills, the shitty pub chain. Still remember my first one, around 2005..it was revelatory.

Catalogue Trousers

There's a local takeaway just down the hill which does half-pound burgers with a generous topping of kebab meat and cheese. Throw on a decent handful of chopped onion and a healthy squirt of American-style mustard and you really cannot go far wrong.

Norton Canes

They're the most tactilely satisfying food, better even than a Cornish pastie. Lovely and smooth and round, domed on top but flat underneath, and you do that thing where you lift them up with two hands with your thumbs on the underside and your fingers on top and hold them in front of your face before taking the first bite

Being veggie the best I ever get in them is some mushy chickpea stuff, shame really

Sebastian Cobb

It might not be gourmet, but can you beat a van burger with onions and cheese from a B&Q car park?

Replies From View

Imagine trying to limit an American person to seven burgers in their entire life.

Does it work if you try to personify those seven burgers as the actors playing Doctor Who 1963-1989? 

bgmnts

Quote from: Norton Canes on July 03, 2022, 07:34:14 PMBeing veggie the best I ever get in them is some mushy chickpea stuff, shame really

Are you serious? There are so many great meat free alternatives to burgers nowadays.

Dex Sawash

Spicy ketchup on bun is nice

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: bgmnts on July 03, 2022, 09:08:34 PMAre you serious? There are so many great meat free alternatives to burgers nowadays.

I was very impressed by the plant chef burgers I picked up in tescos when it was in the reduced bit.

Replies From View

Are they made with real plant chefs?

DrGreggles

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on July 03, 2022, 08:45:18 PMIt might not be gourmet, but can you beat a van burger with onions and cheese from a B&Q car park?

True dat
Squinty Dave's greasy bastard for £4 shits on them poncey fuckers

Fr.Bigley

How many rustlers does a sad, fat, bald cabber consume in their (short, depressing) lifetime?

Stigdu

Only in this CaB discussion group could that first post go by without the first reply being "what the heck are you on?!"

Anyway, standard 1/4 pounder with cucumber, tomato, lettuce, onion and ketchup for me. Cheese is meh. Gherkins can fuck right off.

AllisonSays

I always think those huge, hipster burgers are for shit compared to the ones you get outside football grounds. I don't want a burger that's too big to put in my mouth, that's covered in stuff falling out of the bun, soggy, why would I? Never understood that culinary tendency.