Bird being tortured upstairs - what do I do?

[MojoJojo]

So the cats have finally managed to catch something,  a bird, which they quickly took upstairs under the bed. They haven't quite worked out how to kill it yet, so they're just batting it around to make it squeal every now and then.
I've tried to do the sensible thing, and pick the poor thing up and take it outside/kill it, but it turns out I'm a massive wuss. Even with a carrier bag and oven gloves, as soon as it started squealing and wiggling I dropped it and then the cats were all over it again.
I've done the mature thing, and started watching a Jean-Claude Van Damme film with some whisky while I try and forget about it.
If it was dead I think I'd be OK; if it was anywhere other than the bedroom I'd just ignore it and clean up the blood in the morning. It's been quiet for awhile now, so I'll probably be in the spare room to avoid the smell anyway [fake edit] scratch that, it just squealed again[/edit]

Any ideas?

_{I wish Mrs. Jojo was here.}

[All Surrogate]

Any ideas?

In general, don't keep cats.

[biggytitbo]

Masturbate?

[the midnight watch baboon]

Move out of Earth's atmosphere. If you do that the bird will not feel the pain brought upon it under the ozone.

[chocky909]

Masturbate?

^ This. It'll be a revealing experience and something to tell the grandkids. WHEN THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH!

[Cerys]

If it's any consolation, nine times out of ten a bird that you rescue from cats is going to die anyway.  The shock of being picked up by a human is enough to tip them over the edge.

Spoiler alert

Not really, you utter, utter wimp.

[close]

Spoiler alert

Although if they were batting it about chances are it was already too injured to survive.

[close]

Spoiler alert

Probably.

[close]

Spoiler alert

But you'll never know now.  Because you're a wimp.

[close]

[MojoJojo]

Masturbate?

Unfortunately, that ship has already sailed today. And I'm not a teenager anymore.

I've pretty much accepted that the bird is a dead bird walk... fly... uh, flapping around in agony. I'm not squeamish about that. It's the trying to hold a terrified animal in pain that I'm a wuss about.

And yes, I do eat meat and don't want to work in a slaughter house.

[Artemis]

ROCK + GRAVITY = SOLUTION


I ought to charge you, you know.

[El Unicornio, mang]

I think you should let nature take it's course. Interfering can cause all kinds of problems and even possibly a paradox. I might be thinking of time travel but best to err on the side of caution!

[MojoJojo]

ROCK + GRAVITY = SOLUTION


I ought to charge you, you know.

I had considered that, but it was under the bed.

I think you should let nature take it's course. Interfering can cause all kinds of problems and even possibly a paradox. I might be thinking of time travel but best to err on the side of caution!

This is the route I took, in the comany of Van Damm, Whyte and Mackay. Luckily for me, but probably bad for the thread, I've just been upstairs and discovered the cats and bird were no longer there. The bird had managed to get downstairs into the kitchen, and I could let it out from there into the garden. The cats followed and are now shut out for the night, the little bastards.

So now just a bit of hoovering and I can go to bed.

_{I think the RT was right, this is the best Jean-Claude Van Damme film. It's still fucking shit though.}

[Pseudopath]

If the bird has already been given a good mauling by the cats, it's unlikely to last the night as wounds caused by cats' teeth and claws pretty much always get infected. You then either have to take the bird to a special (read: expensive) wild bird vet (as normal vets don't touch wildlife) or put the bird out of its (now-prolonged) misery.

The easiest and kindest way to euthanise a small bird is to plonk it in a sealed bag, then swing it quickly and sharply against a hard surface. This usually kills it instantly and you can go ahead and dispose of it (protip: try to dispel the thought that the bird has only been knocked unconscious and will actually spend its last few moments drowning in baked beans at the bottom of your green bin).

Whatever you do, don't heed the advice I once read on a wildlife forum stating that the kindest way to kill a bird is to push your thumb into the bottom of its ribcage and stop its lungs inflating. That poor little bugger took about 5 minutes to die and stared at me with a look of sheer horror and betrayal throughout the whole sorry process. It took me about a week to deal with the remorse.

[Zero Gravitas]

Surely shooting it in the head with a miniature rifle would be faster.

[MojoJojo]

The bird is dead now. Lola is batting the corpse around and ripping little bits off every now and then.

I'm trying to ignore the little bit of meat I just noticed on the kitchen floor.

I am wondering whether an air rifle would have helped. I think even if I could shoot it, the risk of getting a cat accidently would make it impractical. I'll just hope Mrs. Jojo is around next time.

[Big Jack McBastard]

Gloves, sweeping brush, carrier bag, bin.

And then mop/hoover as required.

You big pansy.

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

In the spirit of Hitchcock's "Strangers on a Train", I would be willing to do the killing for you if you were to dispose of the death adder in my attic. I'm going to have to go up there soon to get the christmas decorations out and I'd prefer not to have to go through the usual horseplay.

[Cerys]

I do hope you're in Australia.  If you're not then I'm worried.

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

No, it escaped from the local pet store and has been living on polystyrene, asbestos and mice for the past 3 years. It's harmless really.

[mook]

^ you winkle, that's not a death adder, it's just the hose from a long forgotten vacuum cleaner.

[Cerys]

Or mook's foreskin.

[Lee Van Cleef]

Get Derren Brown to make you become a more pro-active, confident person and get you out of your routine.