Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[batwings]

Missing a total solar eclipse in order to re-catalog your Cash In The Attic archive.

[drummersaredeaf]

Your ex wants your anus in the divorce.

[frajer]

An old school friend guilt-trips you into going cow-tipping.

[Ferris]

Unable to contain your grief any longer, you hurl yourself atop the blazing funeral pyre of Woolworths PLC.

[Glebe]

An arse pleads guilty to fourteen counts of 'unforgivable soiling'.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

A passing Exorcist does a number on you, forcing your spirit from your body. Now your shade wanders a shadowy inter-dimensional realm taunted by passing demons on their way to and from a busy day tormenting the damned.

[batwings]

You contract gonorrhoea from the second hand Jimmy Nail sex doll you've just put up in the static caravan.

[the Fallen]

You die as you lived, which, if you take a second to put the iPad down and look at the world outside of Tiktok for one non-Belle Delphine-wanking second, you'll come to realise is about right.

[the Fallen]

Piss fills your windmill, Dutch cunt, and it's barely even your produce

[petril]

You contract gonorrhoea from the second hand Jimmy Nail sex doll you've just put up in the static caravan.

voice activated, all you have to do is tell him you don't want nobody else, you love him

[the Fallen]

You have to serve some skinhead cunt looking all overbearing in dickhead black Primark puffer jacket which he seems to act like it makes himself stab proof into the Swan and Docket to order a keg of Stella off you.

"Your round Daz" he says to his mate, who doesn't even tip. It's 22:56

[the Fallen]

You start a boutique thread about some lazy combination of offensive amalgamation of obviously cultural concepts to subvert and as such find it an albatross too much to bear mainly as it is based almost in its entirety upon your lived daily days though you do keep it packed with worthwhile material

[the Fallen]

You spam random characters into Notepad, copy them, then enter them as your new password, changing your email address, as you were stupid enough to put a microsecond's trust into how others might percieve how you are managing your father's dementia

[Glebe]

A shitty glum smog town is the view out of your room in Britain's worst B&B hovel.

[Glebe]

Keith from 'parts unknown' makes an egg salad using out-of-date produce and serves it to a prospective girlfriend, with the proviso that she must "eat while ye may, as the rumblings may be swift and egregious!"

[buttgammon]

Maureen refuses help for her crippling addiction to scratchcards.

[shoulders]

A man suffering a cardiac arrest refuses the aid of a paramedic because they work nights and are off duty.

He passes away on the street limply banging a pot and pan together for heroes.

[shoulders]

In the scramble for a 5p you miss your son's fisting exam.

[Twit 2]

In the scramble for a 5p you miss your son's fisting exam.

And an invigilator catches him cheating in the bogs.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

And an invigilator catches him cheating in the bogs.

Turns out he had written the step by step guide to fisting oneself on the arm that he rammed up his arse and so couldn't read the final step "Then remove arm from anus."

[shoulders]

In a fit of pique, Gilmore of Currys hard deletes his phytoplankton gymkhana after a dog track result.

[shoulders]

You lose your license to render Pork in the Philippines due to failure to safeguard against toenail contents.

[shoulders]

Another sullen afternoon expunging ferpentf from the tumble dry mechanism.

[Twit 2]

Your estate agent insists that one of your turds - the one you dubbed "Madame Voloptua" - shall become the focal point for the house viewings.

On your honeymoon scuba dive, your wife googles "annulment" after catching you licking spunk out of a sea slug.

A DMT shaman tells you your soul is "Asda".

Proctologist says "is cloaca now."

And the nominations for best penal cafe - Costa@'Cunts Gone Bananas Hospital for the Psychotically Fucked'; Starbucks - The Shipman Cackman Institute;
Gerontogaol Subway

[Ferris]

Pimped out for two tubes of pringles and a go on the dodgems.

[shoulders]

Pimped out for two tubes of 'pringles' and a go on 'the dodgems'.

[shoulders]

Your daily essays on how 'pristine' your 1st edition of Mein Kampf is are starting to become annoying.

[shoulders]

James Watt BrewDog Space Telescope IPA

In space no one can hear you punk

[Cuellar]

How you have lived and the events of your life, your values and your thoughts, are likened to an episode of The Brittas Empire

[shoulders]

Your Fistanuary teammate withdraws through lack of hands or anus.