Insufferable Workmate Ryan

[the Fallen]

Ryan fwds emails

What? That's bad enough.

[the Fallen]

Ryan maintains it's perfectly normal to constantly show slight bigotry concerning the Welsh and you, in fact, are the weirdo

[the Fallen]

Ryan moaned about his pay as a permanent employee with health insurance the day after getting a tax free £900 Xmas bonus

[the Fallen]

The only appraisal item Ryan has is pay

Wanting to help, I sent him a screenshot of the appraisal invite saying they are not to be used for pay discussion (as they're an exploration of your work).

He said he already knew they wouldn't discuss pay in that one meeting. They told him when he asked last year

[Glebe]

"I'M UP FOR PROMOTION EVERYONE!" shouts Ryan at the top of his voice. The resultant silence is extremely satisfying and you smile to yourself as his pale spotty face starts to redden.

[the Fallen]

You're laying in bed thinking of Ryan thinking is Ryan laying in bed thinking of me?

[Glebe]

You're laying in bed thinking of Ryan thinking is Ryan laying in bed thinking of me?

He's actually thinking about Kim Kardashian. And wanking.

[the Fallen]

He's actually thinking about Kim Kardashian. And wanking.

Yeah, I realised that from the subsequent WhatsApp he sent me.

the text below the photo was "LOOK"

Brrrr

[the Fallen]

In one heart-stopping moment Ryan mentions having seen a trailer for Stath Lets Flats and you shiver until he moves on adding nothing to this fleeting insight of his no-doubt macabre viewing schedule

Phew. Nearly had something in common there

[the Fallen]

You realise you would act exactly the same way towards Ryan if you were in love with him.

Even so, setting fire to his wallet in the Aviva carpark is proving most invigorating. Shit, maybe you two should get married! Could piss on his cat

Or end up handcuffed to him for the day in a classic sitcom scenario. You begin to orchestrate this for the benefit of the viewing audience (three members of Aviva North-East sales office one of which is you)

[the Fallen]

You freak Ryan totally out by saying yes, you are gay actually. He runs off towards the safety of the loo, all red faced and gasping just thinking about it

[the Fallen]

I wouldn't worry about your job Ryan you could get even more pretty good at it in the future

[Glebe]

A man pops into the office to deliver something and trips as he leaves. Ryan laughs nastily at this, "utter berk!"

[petril]

Ryan still thinks Dave from the other office who left three years ago is the default Dave and Dave that's always doing IT stuff for us is Irish Dave

[Glebe]

Ryan has his earbuds in but Clapton's Greatest Hits is still irritatingly audible. He's had it on heavy rotation all week. "Hero mate and a true Englishman!"

[the Fallen]

You pre-empt Ryan's temperature check by using Yahoo! Weather to find out tomorrow's dew point in Ryan's local area, noting it down your brow all furrowed do those only appear when I smile?

[the Fallen]

You sit and watch Teams for signs Ryan is typing.

Suddenly it shows he's typing so you immediately send him a commensurate measure of gobbledegook to force his hand

he withdraws

As always.

[the Fallen]

Ryan informs you the dates he's not working over the holiday period, and wishes you & yours all the best.

As usual it echoes off no response clattering into the void as you're off doing other, better misadventures / useless opportunities

[the Fallen]

Ryan calls in sick with women's problems

Am I right, men?

[the Fallen]

Your acorn-like gnarled heart almost unfreezes for a second when you think of Ryan and that little girlfriend of his on New Years' Eve but nope it still doesn't really unfurl

[Glebe]

Ryan snorts derisively whenever anyone mentions anything that could be construed as socially progressive. "We're all supposted to be 'right-on' on now, innit? PC gone mad and 'woke' making us all multicultural trans-people!"

[frajer]

Ryan has taken up kickboxing and his trainer says he's a natural, probably only needs another four or five lessons and he'll be able to beat up anyone in the office. Just don't go telling people alright, he doesn't want to spend all his time handing people their own arses.

Seriously don't tell anyone.

[Glebe]

Just your prove he is cultured, Ryan starts bringing American Psycho into work and takes it out during lunch breaks. He has to remember to turn the pages every so often to make it look like he's actually reading it.

[the Fallen]

Just your prove he is cultured, Ryan starts bringing American Psycho into work and takes it out during lunch breaks. He has to remember to turn the pages every so often to make it look like he's actually reading it.

The dvd booklet

[Glebe]

The dvd booklet

It's not even the booklet it's the insert with the code for the digital version.

"Great book this! I mean it's not up there with the best of Shakespeare but it's a cracking read nonetheless!"

[the Fallen]

It's not even the booklet it's the insert with the code for the digital version.

"Great book this! I mean it's not up there with the best of Shakespeare but it's a cracking read nonetheless!"

And he still visibly moves his lips when he first reads it with his fat finger sliding underneath the tiny Chinese characters before asking for your help

[Glebe]

Ryan is a "big fan" of Dupont. "No other company in the world has benefitted the world to quite the extent of that chemical giant. I'm quite happy here in my job as top sales rep for the Bicester branch of British Paperclips, but my 'dream' job would be CEO of Doops!"

[the Fallen]

Ryan explains but Amazon showed the LGBT+ rainbow flag on their logo for five days so they can't be evil

[Glebe]

"Disney are using lots of disableds in their productions now too. Take that corporate criticisers!"

[Glebe]

Turns out Ryan doesn't actually work for the company and is only on a kind of extended work experience.