Desopotamia 8: Lament for Enkidu

[PlanktonSideburns]

A muddy polar bear in a British wildlife park.

Being driven mad by the sound of an adjacent fruit machine

[PlanktonSideburns]

You admire the skid marks in this week's pair of underpants. Seven centimetres across, a new record.

Love this. A really funny measurement for a smear of shit

At the risk of doing a deso IRL, This thread is brightening my bus replacment

[PlanktonSideburns]

[Shaxberd]

The council declares your house's water supply "non-potable". When you ask what you're supposed to drink, they suggest you eat more soup.

[shoulders]

Your smart toilet bankrupts you by buying novelty ice cube trays on Temu

[shoulders]

Building a Lister Storm out of dried dog turds then losing in a drag race to a Koenigsegg of used tampons.

[Clive Dogshit]

Happy birthday, your dad has buttered the wasps.

[Cerys]

Happy birthday, your dad has buttered the wasps.

I can't adequately explain why I love this so much.

[Fambo Number Mive]

You accidentally order an "I Love Albert Fish" t-shirt, and only realise this when you open it in front of your children.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Everyone gets you the same Funko Pop for your wedding present. Neither of you even like Funko Pops.

[PlanktonSideburns]

You burn your house down trying to laminate your Neil Sedaka Funko Pop

[shoulders]

Cutting yourself because Graham Linehan's book takings improve from very very poor to very poor.

[batwings]

Suspicions that your Colin Welland sex puppet has grassed to your shrink have put a cloud over your second anniversary.

[touchingcloth]

You eggnap a cormorant and hatch it in your slow cooker, but when you don a felt beak in the hopes that the little gimp will imprint on you something goes wrong and you imprint on the little gimp wazzock hatchling instead and you're just following round a yolky fuckwit going "mama" and opening your mouth wide in the hope of some half-masticated worms being spat in there.

One by one the hospice staff file past your bed to call you "a twat".

[poo]

In the school nativity you're given the role of "Hegboil", a homeless child molester who doesn't appear anywhere in the script.

[shoulders]

Amnesia Foam Party is doing requests so you slam on album edit of The Drugs Don't Work.

[shoulders]

In the school nativity you're given the role of "Hegboil", a homeless child molester who doesn't appear anywhere in the script.

Very good

[ollyboro]

Your attempt at recreating Torvill and Dean's 1984 Olympic  gold medal winning ice dance interpretation of Ravel's Bolero fail when your roller skates jam at the top of your cul-de-sac and your Jane Torvill reports you to the police. Which is ironic when you consider that before finding ice dance fame, Christopher Dean was a copper. The cunt.

[Fambo Number Mive]

The nation's toddlers are used as strikebreakers, with the threat of no Peppa Pig unless they comply.

[PlanktonSideburns]

The vocal takes on your solo album,

'may has well have been recorded into an un-flushed toilet'

[shoulders]

Another night in having a heated disagreement with your stoma Harold, this time on the topic of land clearance in Brazil.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Your presence in an IKEA restaurant prompts a hastily-arranged caste system that sees you, and only you, forced to eat a single cold, rotting meatball from a urinal in the gents.

[shoulders]

Idly flicking your excised gall bladder at a leper is the butterfly wing flap that causes the earth's collapse.

[poo]

You learn that your entire inheritance has been donated to the Museum of White Dog Shit.

[dissolute ocelot]

You dress as Liz Truss for Halloween but after the 50th person asks who you are, you start answering, "My mother."

[Fambo Number Mive]

You invent a time machine but it only takes you back in time to your PE lessons.

[PlanktonSideburns]

You invent a time machine but it only takes you back in time to your PE lessons.

Real life deso: my old PE teacher smiled at my baby the other day as I passed him in the street, and I felt the same hot panic I felt when the child grabbed my wife's oppinel blade first

[PlanktonSideburns]

Your daughters Halloween costume, slutshamed by a poppy vending machine

[poo]

A video of you botty-tugging to footage of the Queen's funeral derails your new career as a Lego influencer.

[shoulders]

George Galloway breaks up a nice bumming shouting 'Enough, for God's sake men. For god's sake!'