The Awful Awfully New Newer Cricket Cricketing Thread

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

So the last one is a pretty fantastic document of cricket over the last few years, bowing out after a century is a noble way to go.

Please direct your cream buns, cakes and commentary on the best sport ever to this thread now.

And we start the new era tentatively optimistic of a comeback into the game at Headingley, with a magnificent Pietersen century threatening to turn the match completely around.

[alcoholic messiah]

I put it to you that you're a Don Bradman test batting average-denier:

By reply #2,997, this thread will be 99.94 pages long (i.e. the same as Don Bradman's test batting average). If Neil's still into locking monster threads and starting new ones, I think that would be an appropriate point at which to do so.

[alcoholic messiah]

168 runs scored at exactly 4 an over, for the loss of 1 wicket. I think that means England won the evening session.

This match is nicely poised. England's current scoring rate, with hopefully more to come from Pietersen and Prior, would normally be fuel for collective hopes that the match won't fizzle out to a draw, but I suspect that the weather's going to scupper the chances of a thrilling finish.

[rjd2]

Its going to be hard for England to win this but its much more likely than the saffers! An aggressive run filled first session or so and stick in Saffers and hope scoreboard pressure gets to them. For such a powerful batting line up they have been bowled out quite cheaply before, its unlikely but stranger things have happened in test cricket and their is injury doubts over Smith and Alviro.


West Indies should be ok against New Zealand, Shiv is due a knock and the current scenario suits him perfectly. I'd have no pity for New Zealand their batting has been disgraceful and while Deonarine is a handy spinner on home conditions they made him look like Murali today.

[alcoholic messiah]

Before that balmy "new thread smell" fades from our nostrils, here's the previous editions of the Cook'd and Bomb'd Cricketers' Almanack:

March 2004 - March 2009
March 2009 - August 2012

[rjd2]

I get it wrong more than most as anyone who post in the cricket forum know. Some of the things I claimed in those threads.....

Matthew hayden is finished.... he then top scored in the world cup"

Mitchell Johnson was going to destroy England in the 2009 Ashes, to my defense he was tearing the Saffers apart in the lead up to it...

England would easily chase 142 against Pakistan...

Obviously much more, what's your worst cricket statements over the years folks?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

That Ravi Bopara was going to make it and was an obvious choice for 2009.

That Ian Bell would never be a test-class batsman.

http://www.espncricinfo.com/west-indies-v-new-zealand-2012/engine/current/match/560930.html

Speaking of people who aren't test-class batsmen, plenty on show in this match. Van Wyk adding another 21 runs from 2 innings. New Zealand without Vettori or any real spinner in a game where 7 wickets fall to spin in the third innings.

At least it may be an exciting end to the test, but if Vettori was there, New Zealand would surely have won this one.

[Nobody Soup]

KP might be quitting england in all formats

http://www.espncricinfo.com/england-v-south-africa-2012/content/current/story/576041.html

7 replies in, the new ball's still swinging and that's a bit of a jaffer.

nice comment by KP here:"For me, the saddest part about all this is that the spectators just love watching me play." but I can't really see this being the end. I don't think he's englands best batsman anymore but he's still what makes their batting line up special. if it does happen it will likely go unnoticed while the olympics are on and a lot of people are going to come back wondering where pietersen is.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Jonathan Agnew has just insinuated that this fake KP twitter account: https://twitter.com/KevPietersen24 is written either by one of his teammates or by one of the management staff

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/cricket/19229566

And breathe out.

Perhaps someone has said to him he has 4-5 years at the top with England and then can spend the rest of his days picking up massive IPL cheques.

His ego, much as people see it as a bad thing drives him on. He wants to play in World Twenty20, another World Cup, probably wants to be up there in the test records as all time runscorer, top century maker etc, wants an average above 50.

When he moans about providing for a young family I really want to punch his lights out though. The guy was already made for life quite a while ago.

[the midnight watch baboon]

I'd say the ongoing KP fuck has about 13 clusters to it, me. Michael Vaughan is a bit of a shit-stirrer these days.

[thecuriousorange]

Right lads. I don't know the rules/scoring of cricket at all. But in my current job I have to be pretty knowledgeable of it (long story). Can some oone give me a very, very succint summary of the entire sport?

[alcoholic messiah]

Cricket matches are played on an oval-shaped, 500 feet (150 m) long and 180 feet (55 m) wide pitch, with a small central circle approximately 2 feet (0.61 m) in diameter. At each end stand three hooped goal posts, each at a different height: one at 30 ft (9.1 m), one at 40 ft (12 m), and one at 50 ft (15 m), comprising the scoring area. There is also a line that shows mid-field, which is 180 ft (55 m). Cricket pitches have white shaded areas around the goalposts, to mark the scoring area and the bounds in which keepers must stay.

Each team is made up of seven players, consisting of three Chasers, two Beaters, one Keeper and one Seeker.

The Chasers progress up and down the pitch passing the Quaffle by hand amongst themselves while keeping it away from the other team, in an attempt to score goals by throwing it through one of their opponent's three goal hoops which scoring 10 points.

The Keeper will protect the three goal hoops, in much the same way as a goalkeeper in association football.

The Beaters are armed with wooden clubs that are similar to, but shorter than, baseball bats. They are tasked with protecting their team-mates and the seeker (mainly) from the Bludgers by knocking these balls off course or towards opponents.

Finally, the Seeker, usually the lightest member of the team and equipped with the fastest broom, is tasked for searching for and capturing The Golden Snitch. Seekers are the only players permitted to touch the Snitch. The seekers are usually small, agile, and stealthy.

The game starts with the referee releasing all four balls from the central circle. The Bludgers and the Snitch, having been bewitched, fly off on their own accord; the Snitch to hide itself quickly, and the Bludgers to attack the nearest players. The Quaffle is thrown into the air by the referee to signal the start of play.

Chasers score by sending the red, football-sized Quaffle through any of the three goal hoops. Each goal scored is worth ten points. After a goal is scored, the Keeper of the team scored upon throws the Quaffle back into play. Capturing the Snitch earns the Seeker's team 150 points, equivalent to 15 goals scored by Chasers. Since the game ends immediately after the Snitch is caught, the team capturing the Snitch is very likely to win the game. However, teams are ranked according to points scored, not games won.

The length of a Cricket match is variable, as play can only end with the capture of the Golden Snitch by one of the Seekers or by mutual consent of the two team captains. The game length is therefore determined largely by the Seekers' abilities. The shortest game ever is described as lasting three and a half seconds. Some games can go on for days, and even months, if the Snitch is not caught. The longest game recorded lasted three months.

Players must not stray over the boundary lines of the pitch, although they may fly as high as desired. The Quaffle must be surrendered to the opposition if any player leaves the boundary.

A time out may be called at any time by a team Captain. It may be extended to two hours if a game has already lasted for more than twelve hours. Failure to return to the pitch afterward disqualifies the offending team.

The referee can impose penalties if a foul occurs. A single Chaser from the fouled team takes a penalty shot by flying from the central circle towards the scoring area. The opposing team's Keeper may attempt to block this shot, but no other player may interfere.

Contact is allowed, but a player may not grasp another's broomstick or any part of his or her body.

No substitution of a player is allowed, even if one is too badly hurt to continue (rare exceptions may be made when the game continues for a great length of time, and players become too fatigued to continue).

Players may take their wands onto the pitch, but they must not be used on or against any players, any player's broomstick, the referee, any of the four balls, or the spectators.

Players shall not attack one another by wand, hand or broom.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Right lads. I don't know the rules/scoring of cricket at all. But in my current job I have to be pretty knowledgeable of it (long story). Can some oone give me a very, very succint summary of the entire sport?

Some key points to remember:

-Cricket was formalised in the late 1800s and then played by countries in the Empire- namely England, Australia, South Africa, New Zealand, Zimbabwe, India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and West Indies
-The oldest rivalry in cricket is between England and Australia who play a series every few years called the Ashes, named after a famous match where England lost heavily and as a humiliation were handed an urn containing 'the ashes of English cricket'.
-The best teams in cricketing history were the Australian 'Invincibles' of the early 20th century, the West Indies team of the late 70s and 1980s and the Australian team of 1993-2005.
-The best batsman to ever live was the Australian Don Bradman whose career statistics are nearly double the next best player
-Also regarded as the finest batsmen to play cricket are Garry Sobers, Brian Lara and Sachin Tendulkar (West Indies, West Indies and India)

-Cricket now has three formats, test match cricket, one day cricket and 20-20. Test matches are played over 5 days, one day over...one day, and 20-20 is a 20 over an innings format that lasts a few hours maximum.

[The Duck Man]

SEX RAUF.



Alleged affair with 21-year-old model (he's 56)

He's denied it (More photos of a similar nature here).

Something something... gave her the finger.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Safferz win toss, Taylor and Bairstow are amongst our batters, Bresnan dropped, Swann returns. Hopfully our seam people can snaffe a wicket or three afore luncheon...

[rjd2]

s*****c umpiring favoring England this morning would be an understatement.Kallis dismissal was disgraceful.

Good bowling from England despite that, I wouldn't be to confident about Rudolph and Duminy in this sort of situation.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Safferz win toss, Taylor and Bairstow are amongst our batters, Bresnan dropped, Swann returns. Hopfully our seam people can snaffe a wicket or three afore luncheon...

Hey, it worked...and then some! Thanks, dodgy 3rd ump

[mikeyg27]

I'm at Lords now (and it has wifi!) - so Kallis's dismissal was as stupid on tv as in person then?

[rjd2]

I'm at Lords now (and it has wifi!) - so Kallis's dismissal was as stupid on tv as in person then?

Yep.

[The Duck Man]

I really feel we haven't covered the main cricketing issue of the day.

That is: SEX RAUF.

[alcoholic messiah]

Something something... gave her the finger.

At least he didn't signal a wide!

Some glorious commentary on 5's highlights package just now from Boycs: as Finn sent Amla's bails flying, he reacted with "that might be out!". No shit.

[rjd2]

Both sides have given away their wickets in this test, but it is looking a little grim for England. Taylor looked a little out of his depth didn't he?

[rjd2]

Cracking test match in progress right now, major props to Bairstow for his innings as well,could be the making of him.

Also VVS has retired, legend but  it was time. Looking at their squad against New Zealand the replacement will be Rahene or more worryingly Raina.

Sehwag, Gamhir, Pujara, Sachin, Raina, Kohli, and Dhoni

Looking at that top 7, its not  daunting and lets not even discuss their piss poor bowling options!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Not going to be a great time for India in tests for a little while but I think by 2014 they should have a fresh look about them, and they just need to be patient with a few guys until then.

This test is going to hinge on one of our bowlers putting in a stonking performance tomorrow morning.

[The Duck Man]

Strange decision by Laxman not to take the home game in Hyderabad and the possibility of easy runs. He could then retire and his successor would still get a Test to bed in against that piss-weak Kiwi attack.

On the other hand I suppose you he feel that you're not up to it anymore you don't want to bow out with the memory of being bowled by Neil Wagner.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Sad face. But for a remarkable turnaround this is going to be a 2-0 loss and a brief stay at the top of the rankings for England.

[rjd2]

Rain may save you!


Its flat so a draw is possible as South Africa won't be to aggressive.


England's fielding has been sub standard this summer, both Amla and especially Ab should have been caught.

[rjd2]

In more heart warming news, KP was out first ball against a left arm hamshire spinner!

[rjd2]

Drop only cost 119 runs in the end, couple of quick wickets and England are back in this. It does look like its up to Finn and Swann to do the damage though.