Poll

You walk up to the, uh, young woman of colour. She is enjoying the music of E-40 and other various chart rappers on an mp3 player. Upon seeing you she's all like: "Whatchu whant?" in charming broken English common to this part of town. You Reply

"Give me my mp3 player back"
3 (8.6%)
"let's go on a date, we can get fizzy drinks after"
6 (17.1%)
"let me tap dat my fine queen of sheeba ass pinzses"
6 (17.1%)
"i would like to purchase barbiturates to use on a hot white bitch later this week"
5 (14.3%)
Compliment her on how much cotton KEEP READING percentage makes up her hoodie, as it clearly indicates that she is environmentally aware enough to chose clothing that can be washed at 30C.
3 (8.6%)
what are options for level 7 confidence? can we do whatever we want?
0 (0%)
"What's your favourite easy stereotype?"
2 (5.7%)
"I want unlimited boys to rape"
2 (5.7%)
"F.W. de Klerk, MC Hammer, J.R. Hartley and other classic verbwhores poll memes."
6 (17.1%)
"HAHA RAPE"
2 (5.7%)

Total Members Voted: 35

Author Topic: Peter's Mad Thoughts  (Read 70315 times)

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« on: September 27, 2004, 02:39:18 PM »
In the Fist of Fun book there was a section called "Peter's Mad Thoughts", where Peter Baynham described a thing he does where he suddenly and graphically imagines doing something terrible, like sitting opposite a nice old man in a cafe, and suddenly throwing boiling coffee in his face, or kissing the tramp outside Sainsbury's and asking him to be his boyfriend.
The thoughts are then followed by the realisation of the consequences.... for instance he writes that if he threw hot tea in the nice old man's face the police would be called, the old man would be screaming, and he would feel awful.   Or if he asked the tramp out, he would have to wear a dress.


I've always had these "mad thoughts" myself, and wondered if anybody else ever has them. However I've been getting them more frequently recently, so I'll vent here so everybody will think I'm a psycho.

Last Friday I was quite ill, and I asked Ms_Tentacle if we had any Heinz tomato soup, because when you're feeling poorly, you HAVE to have Heinz tomato soup.
We didn't, but she put on her socks and shoes, got some change together, went to the shops, bought the soup and some bread, came back, heated up the soup, made some bread and butter, and put it all on a tray and brought it into me as I sat sickly on the sofa.
And I was suddenly seized with the mad thought of just throwing the tray in her face.

Now, I hasten to add at this point that at no point would I ever do such a thing, I'm completely incapable of doing such things, but my mind seems to have taken to delight in playing out unthinkable situations for its own amusement.


If I had done that, there would have been a few seconds of shocked silence, then she would have started screaming, and afterwards there would have been crying, and she may well have left me, and I would have had to have cleaned all the kind, wasted soup up.  It would have been horrible.


Anyway, I told my mum about my "mad thoughts", and she told me that they are very common, and are symptom of "wanting to hurt yourself".... by thinking about doing things that are unspeakably cruel and terrible, you want to punish yourself... the guilt you would feel by throwing hot soup over your kind girlfriend would be a form of self-flagellation.

Now THIS really disturbed me, because as far as I can tell I'm not a mental, so I'd like to know.... does anybody else get mad thoughts? I don't hate myself by any means, so I reckon she's talking mumshite.


I'd love to link to the correct page in the Fist of Fun book from www.fistoffun.net but I can't be arsed to find it.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #1 on: September 27, 2004, 02:46:06 PM »
Funny!  I have had similar thoughts and god only knows what spurs them.  I can only think of one incident, and pardon me, as it is crude, but its the only example I can think of.  I was having sex with an old partner, and things were skipping along nicely, but then I suddenly was seized with rather morbid thoughts of dying!  Fuck knows what on earth was going on in the recesses of my brain, but I actually felt the want to kill myself during sex!  

Honest, he wasn't that bad, but even now I think about it and wonder why it happened.

Jemble Fred

  • ... And I ain't ashamed.
    • 100% BALLS
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #2 on: September 27, 2004, 02:46:13 PM »
All the time, and it's worth taking the time right now to thank Peter for forming the phenomenon into a palpable brainwrong, with a name. If you'll forgive the lapsing into jargon.

Cheers, Baynham, you may have saved lives with your madness.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #3 on: September 27, 2004, 02:52:05 PM »
They did that on the radio first, didn't they? One of them was he was at an interview and the mad thought was instead of giving them his CV, he gave them a big picture of some frogs.

I haven't had any that I remember. Ho hum.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2004, 02:53:47 PM »
Often, when I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a car, I get an urge to punch the driver square in the face to see what'd happen. Of course, I never do, but I've been thinking nasty thoughts like these since I was a nipper & getting lifts home from my mate's dad, who was a bit of a tosser, but didn't quite deserve to die in a flaming wreck.

I also sometimes can be sitting with somebody in a bar or elsewhere & I'll briefly feel the need to insult or injure this person, even if I have no reason whatsoever to do such a thing.

I can't explain it, but I reckon there's a little element of our brain that always encourages you to do foolish or nasty things. You're not meant to listen to him, and most of us don't, but I think this may explain why serial killers and the like claim to be following the orders of some voice or other in their head. I call 'em splinters, some call 'em demons, and they are out to fuck us.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #5 on: September 27, 2004, 02:54:45 PM »
Other examples, now a couple of people have persuaded me that I'm not a mental, are last week when I was on the phone to my lovely white-haired old nan and I thought about what would happen if I just shouted "FUCK!!" at the top of my voice down the phone.

There would probably be another long silence, and she'd very gently ask me if I was OK... or maybe she'd wimper and the line would go dead.... it would be horrible.


And yes, I have had the "go up to a tramp and kiss him on the mouth" thought as well.

tony peanuts

  • Never been to Penge but I've heard it's quite nice
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2004, 02:56:46 PM »
Surely everyone thinks things like this sometimes, don't they?  

Don't they?!

Yesterday I was at work when I suddenly had a quite graphic thought of what it might be like if to be skewered by some sort of javelin and left pinned to the wall for my colleagues to find.  It hadn't been prompted by anything, and I'm fairly sure I'm not suicidal or masochistic or anything.  I wouldn't be inclined to worry about it.  
It's only when you start acting the thoughts out that you should worry.

Re: Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #7 on: September 27, 2004, 03:02:56 PM »
Quote from: "Purple Tentacle"

Anyway, I told my mum about my "mad thoughts", and she told me that they are very common, and are symptom of "wanting to hurt yourself".... by thinking about doing things that are unspeakably cruel and terrible, you want to punish yourself... the guilt you would feel by throwing hot soup over your kind girlfriend would be a form of self-flagellation.


That's a nice way of summing these sort of thoughts up.

I have them sometimes, though they're more often than not about me doing something to me that I know I would never want to happen. For example, I was gritting my teeth and twisting my jaw about and found that I can position my top and bottom teeth at the front of my mouth so that if I bit down hard I'd break them.
I shuddered and opened my mouth wide, scared that some part of me might actually do it. Urgh.

Then there's a fear of almost killing myself on a whim by perhaps just leaping in front of an express train whenever I'm standing in a station, waiting. It's not likely to happen, of course (christ, that doesn't need saying), but there's that part of my subconscious that throws morbid stuff like that up. I cannot trust that bit of my brain.
If I were on a very high building I think the fear of 'losing it' to irrational thoughts like these would be all over my mind.

- - - linked aside - - -

I think at it's simplest and most harmless (while actually being expressed) it's some form of Tourettes. I was watching that John Davidson followup docu when I thought "he's saying "wanker" in the car to his friend because deep down he actually thinks his friend is a wanker. The illness brings it out".
I hoped his friend didn't see that.

-

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #8 on: September 27, 2004, 03:06:14 PM »
I have had so called 'mad thoughts' I sometimes make the mistake of letting them know to other people.

E.g. When hurtling along the motorway at 90 miles per hour I sometimes think to myself how esay it would be to just spin my wheel to one side and smash through the barriers into oncoming traffic or off the side of a fly-over bridge.

  A recent one I had was on saturday, I was over this girls house who had one of those miniature terriers. The wretched little thing kept jumping on me,licking everything, and just being a general pain in the ass. I thought 'how easy it would be to just grasp its little head in my big hand, and snap the litte fucking things neck'. Of course i told her, people now think im evil as well as suicidal.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #9 on: September 27, 2004, 03:09:02 PM »
Yep, I get these too. If I'm in a boring meeting, my brain wants me to jump on the table, run around kicking / stamping on everyone's laptops and inventing words to shout while doing so. I think it's just to see what might happen.

The worst is a time when everyone's supposed to be quiet... like a wedding or that bit in the cinema between the trailers and the film. My brain comes up with something obscure to shout or do, and sits there saying "Go on, go on, go on, go on" at me until there's a distractions.

God that makes me sound fucked up.

Jemble Fred

  • ... And I ain't ashamed.
    • 100% BALLS
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #10 on: September 27, 2004, 03:10:17 PM »
Quote from: "Mr Colossal"
I have had so called 'mad thoughts' I sometimes make the mistake of letting them know to other people.

E.g. When hurtling along the motorway at 90 miles per hour I sometimes think to myself how eay it would be to just spin my wheel to one side and smath through the barriers into oncoming traffic or off the side of a fly-over bridge.


Quote from: "Steven Wright"
I like to pick up hitch hikers and say "So where did you think you were going? Put your seatbelt on, I wanna try something. I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it."

terminallyrelaxed

  • да младенца!
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #11 on: September 27, 2004, 03:13:01 PM »
Yes its the same impulse that seizes me to throw my wallet out of the window of speeding vehicles and tell the most macho homophobic guy in the room that I love him, to blurt out something hideously embarrassing in the company of my parents. I know it well - all I worry about is that one day my self-control will not so much fail as just not be there.
I have a theory that this is what has happened to insane people - they've just started lisening to those voices in their head that we all ignore and stifle. I'm glad I'm not alone, I had wondered if this was the slow deterioration to schiziphrenia....

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #12 on: September 27, 2004, 03:18:20 PM »
Great topic!

I get these all the time: wondering what it'd be like to jump off a bridge; standing up during a classical music concert and shouting out "IT"S ALL FUCKING SHIT" just to see what would happen; the desire to kiss the nice girl on the bus on the neck; wanting to squirt a tube of tomato puree into my own face; openly masturbating in a public place; and kicking my christmas presents out of the window.

What would happen if I did any of these? Mainly acute embarrasement on my part and in at least one of them, my almost certain death.

fanny splendid

  • Chaos Reigns
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #13 on: September 27, 2004, 03:18:39 PM »
You have to let some of the little ones out, otherwise you're building up for a rather large mentalist episode.

Shouting in the high street is very cathartic.
Kicking your iPod into a stone fireplace, isn't.

Jemble Fred

  • ... And I ain't ashamed.
    • 100% BALLS
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #14 on: September 27, 2004, 03:24:13 PM »
Well who else was watching 'Dirty Filthy Love' (I think it was called) last night then? Michael Kitchen developing Tourettes was experiencing this problem exactly, not being able to keep it all in.

It was quite odd, really, as I realised it was exactly the same idea as Rob Newman's old karate-chopping tramp character in TMWE, except not played for laughs. Perhaps I should have some kind of guilt for laughing so hard at that character now, but at the time I couldn't have cared less that real people were experiencing the real horror of mental illness – Rob Newman was barking, and it was funny. To a 15 year old, at least.

gazzyk1ns

  • "I don't give a shit if your dad's dead or anything else"
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #15 on: September 27, 2004, 03:33:52 PM »
Hehe yes, brilliant thread, PT - I had been avoiding it until I'd read/posted everything I'd wanted to, because I thought from the title that it would be about a book/programme I'd never heard of and so I'd be completely indifferent to, and bored by, the thread! It's funny how that happens sometimes.

I have these thoughts all the time too, at the weekend I did something similar to what TR hinted at. I had been introduced to a friend-of-a-friend for the first time early in the evening, and after an hour or so of watching TV with him and not conversing much, I tell my mate that I'd torrented and burned series 2 of Six Feet Under for him, as he'd asked. The other guy then chirps up "What's that? Six Feet Under? Is that any good, then? Hmmm, that's got a gay couple in, hasn't it... I don't really like that sort of thing, makes me squirm watching them.". I really felt like saying "Oh right... actually, I'm gay, and I'm really disappointed you think that... I really like the look of you...".

The situation would be semi-salvageable, I could say I was joking and when I'd gone, my mate could tell him that as far as he knew, I was indeed just messing around. But I imagine I'm going to be around this bloke fairly regularly in the future, and I'm sure I would always be the bloke who was gay and fancied him.

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #16 on: September 27, 2004, 03:37:34 PM »
Bloody hell gazzy, just go ahead and do that! Serve him bloody right, so what if he thinks you're a gay, you can go home and look at a picture of a lady's snatch afterwards in private, giggling to yourself at your hoodwinkery.

terminallyrelaxed

  • да младенца!
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #17 on: September 27, 2004, 03:40:14 PM »
he's going to do that anyway - doesnt everyone when they get home?

gazzyk1ns

  • "I don't give a shit if your dad's dead or anything else"
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #18 on: September 27, 2004, 03:40:21 PM »
Yeah I know PT, I can't understand why anyone thinks like that either but... what can you do? I can't be bothered telling him it's a stupid attitude, it would just create hassle... hehe we'll just call him an idiot on the net instead, that'll be enough ;)

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #19 on: September 27, 2004, 03:44:59 PM »
I would advise against driving anywhere after finishing a marathon session of GTA Vice City.  I was *this* close to launching my motor up the back of one of those car carrier thingies parked at a red light.  The tail was up so it's not as if I would have gone up it anyway -  like you say though, just an irrational little Tommy Vercetti in a devil's suit sitting on your shoulder whispering into your crazed mind.

I think Kierkegaard wrote quite a bit about this feeling if you're feeling a bit pretentious.  God that made me sound like a wanker.

Jemble Fred

  • ... And I ain't ashamed.
    • 100% BALLS
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #20 on: September 27, 2004, 03:50:50 PM »
Quote from: "zozman"
I think Kierkegaard wrote quite a bit about this feeling if you're feeling a bit pretentious.  God that made me sound like a wanker.


Well that's what I was wondering when congratulating the never-present Baynham for coining the term. There must be a proper word for it. But I think 'Peter's Mad Thoughts' is far better than 'Der Frinkledemmscheffekt' or whatever it's really called.

No one else see the extremely pertinent afforementioned drama last night then?

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #21 on: September 27, 2004, 03:53:51 PM »
I quite often wonder what would happen if I bit down really hard when the dentist is drilling a tooth.

I DO NOT LIKE IT!!!

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #22 on: September 27, 2004, 03:56:06 PM »
I have thoughts like this too. I find it's usually in situations where everything's OK and dandy, and so suddenly some impish demonic impulse in the back of my head goes 'what would happen if you were to completely fuck this pleasant situation up?' (ie. the throwing wallet/Xmas presents out the window examples above).

I wouldn't want to give examples of my own cos they're usually really fucking horrible and a complete contradiction of what I'd ever want to happen. But it seems to be part masochistic, part experimental and part desire to completely invert your immediate situation. Very disturbing but, judging by the density of affirmative responses already, very human too.

With regards to wanting to kiss the girl-on-the-bus's nice neck: I had that impulse just this morning, and I'm pretty sure it comes from an altogether different place...

gazzyk1ns

  • "I don't give a shit if your dad's dead or anything else"
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #23 on: September 27, 2004, 03:56:09 PM »
Aww jesus Gazeuse, it hurts even thinking about that!

Quote from: "Muteki"
I wouldn't want to give examples of my own cos they're usually really fucking horrible and a complete contradiction of what I'd ever want to happen.


Heh, I know what you mean Muteki, I keep wanting to post more of mine but then reconsider because I imagine a lot of people reading it and thinking "Hmmm that makes a lot of sense, I always had him down as THAT sort..."

Jemble Fred

  • ... And I ain't ashamed.
    • 100% BALLS
Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #24 on: September 27, 2004, 03:59:13 PM »
What about standing at the urinal in a busy gents and having an overwhelming desire to spin around and around as you piss, giggling like Animal from The Muppet Babies?

It would lead to violence, possible lasting damage to your face, and a really bad night out all round.

I never get that urge either.

9

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #25 on: September 27, 2004, 04:04:08 PM »
maybe its to do with having so many rules to follow in our modern lives. I mean we all deal with so much information and take part in so many situations that maybe our brains can't cope with having to operate within so many set parameters. I wonder if people got mad thoughts in the olden days when life was simpler and just involved ploughing fields, or whatever.

But yes, I often want to do unacceptable things. Usually involving sudden extreme violence. :-0

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #26 on: September 27, 2004, 04:04:51 PM »
hehe...Jem's wee one reminded me that I also think about projectile vomiting on a crowded tube train, getting it all over as many people as possible and then saying, "It's OK everyone...Don't worry...I feel much better now."

Beagle 2

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Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #27 on: September 27, 2004, 04:06:39 PM »
Every time I used to go shopping in York I'd have to walk back to the train station over this bridge, and it was all I could do to not hurl all the new stuff I'd bought into the Ouse. My grip would actually tighten on my bags to make sure i didn't.

I always think of that Peter one about putting his face in the deep fat fryer when i'm in the chippie too "Cause i'd be like, screaming in agony, and everybody would be thinking 'why didn't he just get some chips?'"

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #28 on: September 27, 2004, 04:22:36 PM »
Quote from: "Jemble Fred"
What about standing at the urinal in a busy gents and having an overwhelming desire to spin around and around as you piss, giggling like Animal from The Muppet Babies?


If I recall, another one of Peter's Mad Thoughts was taking one of the urinal cakes and popping it into his mouth to see what it tasted like.  It would probably taste of bleach and wee.

Every since I heard that I've had the urge to do just the same.  It's worrying how thin the line between "thinking" and "doing" becomes sometimes....

Peter's Mad Thoughts
« Reply #29 on: September 27, 2004, 04:35:35 PM »
Quote from: "gazzyk1ns"
actually, I'm gay


I knew it.

This is a little disturbing.  I read Poipul's initial post and thought, "Oh, I do that."  However, I can't think of a single episode that isn't to do with sex.  I imagine its all to do with sex anyway, even though I'm a Freud-naysayer, but surely the sexual imagery should be disguised in some way, with some subtle 3-2-1 type clue.

I have actually caught myself yelling during mass frustration - ie. shouting "does anything here actually work?" on a train platform populated by grumpy-faced commuters following yet another cancelled service announcement.